JR writing a book

[Mrs James]

come to think of it....i'll see if she'll kindly give you style tips while you're defurring her plugholes

 

[LE lover]

a job at Babestation."They are looking for women who are able to talk endlessly and ooh and aah over everything they touch." Simon told her
Claire was already a certainty so at least Julia would have a partner in crime.
Decisions decisions, Julia had to decide whether she wanted to continue waxing lyrical about products that Dragon's Den had rejected on Britains No1 shopping channel or could she use her natural god given assets where they would be appreciated............

 

[silversequin]

The more she mused on the idea of writhing around on Babestation the more it appealed to her, it was late at night (she did not do mornings), there was man made fibre involved although the outfits were somewhat scanty and it involved conning the sad and lonely out of their money. She could see that she had quite a few transferable skills that might be appreciated there. And Claire was already working for them, what a busy wusy ickle little strippy bee she was. Maybe Debbie could be persauded to come along and add a touch of "reader's wives" to the ensemble.
But now for her private dance, whether he wanted it or not Simon was going to get it!!! She began to limber up, humming the Tina Turner classic under her breath, things were looking up at last for our heroine. Shoving Charlie and the "boys" (including Craig and the gardening one) to one side she shimmied to the centre of the boardroom. Arlene took one look at the vision before her and gasped"......................

 

[Patti]

So thats what a size 12 looks like !!!!!


Sorry I couldnt resist it

 

[LE lover]

once Arlene had got over the shock that not all the presenters were a size 0 and infact la diva Roberts did in fact have curves she gasped as Julia started to slowly gyrate and toss her locks around.
As she pranced around seductively her flip flop came flying off, unfortunately it smacked poor cheryl straight in the mouth. What a waste of all that expensive dentistry cheryl thought to herself as the blood started to drip from her mouth.
This was not the start Julia had hoped for, but she didn't care about Cheryl it was Simon she had to impress
Julia was on a roll, nothing could stop her now and as the Butler and Wilson tent came flying off she thought to herself Tina Turner eat your heart out.
Simon raised his hand in the air and shouted the dreaded words "Stop" Julia stopped and felt quite vunerable as all eyes were suddenly on her. Arlene had a face like a smacked bottom which didn't bode well and Cheryl was covering her bleeding lip with a piece of tissue. Charlie,the boys and the gardening one stared in stunned silence.
Julia undetered sidled up to Simon in her best breezie sports bra and flesh coloured spanx and asked "Well, what did you think?"
Simon looked gobsmacked as he uttered ..............


.

 

[Mrs James]

(add your own sound effects...) X X X

 

[silversequin]

flushed and panting from the effort of her unique routine and the totally unexpected effect it had had on the most powerful man in show business, Julia stood there feeling both proud and vulnerable in her underwear. Thank the lord that her regular pilates sessions had kept her so tiny and trim. "hallelulia" thought Julia (the Alexandra version not that Jeff Buckley one and definately not the original Leonard Cohen)"at last my special qualities of selling and hoofing have been recognised, surely I'll be a key fixture on Simon, Arlene and Cheryl's shopping channel, I know that Cheryl's mouth will be fine after a quick touch up with Gayle Hayman lip miracle thingy". The judges confered and then to her horror announced that they wanted a reprise of the "boys'" routine before delivering their plans for the new style QVC. Cue the music, the sound of "It's raining men" boomed out and with a twirl of their wind resistant umbrellas the "boys" sprang into action.Led by Charlie they...............

 

[LE lover]

took their positions and fixed their smiles. We must be good if simon wants a reprise, We're such fasionistas they thought to themselves.
Craig was virtually orgasmic as he thought he could now be seen as equal to the others for a change, the gardening one was a concerned as he was knocking on a bit and wasn't sure if his knees would hold out for the whole routine.
Geri Halliwell was screeching out the speakers as they began, but due to Dale trying to catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror on the wall they crashed in to each other and ended up in a crumpled heap on the floor. Charlie stood up "Come on Si". he grovelled "Give us another chance".
Simon was growing impatient, not only had he had to witness QVC's anwer to Dita Von Tise he know had to watch something that resembled the village people on acid.
From the distance a scantily clad Julia could be heard saying.......... l

 

[silversequin]

"i.ve done it, I've done it, I am better than the rest of them, I will reign again, Simon will want me by his side as his trusted advisor, my glory days are not over, in fact they are about to begin again, Like Gloriana I will be a symbol to the nation of power and stabilty, the texts will flow again and I will speak graciously to the idiot telephone callers who call me Julie instead of Julia....." her happy thoughts were interrupted when Simon called them all to the front of the judges' desk.

"Right you sorry lot" he sneered, "First let me tell you that I have bought out QVC, there is a fourth partner coming on board, Harald ,and the new shopping channel will henceforth and forever be known as CASH, it's an anagram of our initials" he patronisingly explained to the aghast presenters in front of him. "who we keep and who we chuck out with the non re-cyclable rubbish has been deceided as have your new roles and the products you will present if you are fortunate to still have work, like the almighty X Factor and indeed like the now deceased QVC there will be guests, George Michael and Robbie Williams are both in the final stages of designing lesiure wear and cooking products respectively, You see I control eveything, Ha ha, ha, ha" His demonic laughter rang out as the fearful presents cowered before his might waiting to hear what he had planned for them. "step forward Craig, last in and first to be...

 

[Mrs James]

return to Bristol? for good?

 

[LE lover]

Craig couldn't believe it, he thought he had really hit the big time when he joined qvc and although they'd never really trusted him to present anything more than yankee candles, he was confident that in time they might let him loose with some AAA Tanzanite.
The other's were sweating profusely and wondering what simon had in store for them. Their fate was sealed and all they could now do was wait and wonder.
Julia thought she may soon be at the checkout of the Nottingham branch of Morrisons saying "Well done for getting the tin of prunes, we're sure you're going to love them".
Simon's deep voice boomed "Flinty step forward please". Debbie was standing in the corner practising songs from my fair lady as she felt a stint as Eliza Doliitle maybe her next venture in showbiz.".
"I said Flinty step forward please". yelled Simon. She walked forward, locked eyes with him and perfected her steely glare. Simon was both mesmerised and terrified, he stuttered..............

 

[Mrs James]

''half a pound of plums and a coupla bananas when you're ready''

 

[Pinkpussycat]

:mysmilie_61: I'm loving this thread. :mysmilie_687:

 

[silversequin]

''half a pound of plums and a coupla bananas when you're ready''

"'ave yer brought yer own bags wiv yer, yer cheeky get" snarled Flinty eyeballing him like a great white closing in on its prey. Had Simon met his match? Flinty was more scary than a shouty Nanna whose talentless grandchild had been on the receiving end of one of Simon's infomous put downs following yet another tuneless caterwalling of "You raise me up" (and I can bring you down he used to sneer to them). "Er umm, Flinty er" he stuttered, fear making his throat constrict. "Actually you are one of our choices for CASH, as you are BRASH" (pause for audience applause and laughter at the great one's wit and magnimanity). "Flinty, I can see you and your hard joyless selling being a great asset to my new empire and I am going to......(another annoyingly long pause) going to give you as job in the canteeen dishing up pie and mash for the camera crew" Flinty was for once lost for words, she had lost the botox off with Simon! The Great One turned to Arlene, "Whose next for the chop, I mean Shopping TV?" he asked. "Ah yes, it's Charlie, oh Charlie, Charlie" he cooed in tones both seductive and scary, "My plan is that you will..............................

 

[Whatsinaname]

:mysmilie_61: I'm loving this thread. :mysmilie_687:

:mysmilie_82: Me too, absolutely hilarious :mysmilie_61:

 

[lizdelassa]

"be Arlene's Toy boy.......sorry, assistant. You must follow behind her fulfilling her every need" (That'll keep her off my back) "and I mean every need, she can be quite demanding!!" (that's why they got rid of her from strictly come dancing, she wore out all her other male assistants and quite a few female ones too!?!).
"OK" says Charlie smirking, he could deal with Arlene, after all, she's just a woman and wasn't he, Charlie, King of QVC for flirting? Everybody thought it was Julia who got rid of the Green one back to the US of A when he knew it was a mixture of tantrum and good old fashioned s*x from Charlie that helped send him packing.
Craig sighed, I had hoped I'd be chosen for her"assistant" he thought, now all I'm fit for is Cheryl and as a Bristonian I can hardly understand what she is saying, I'll never cope.
Simon turned to Dale. "You know" he says "I am not quite sure what to do with you. As you are aware there is room only for one older but extremely handsome man and as that is me you are defunct."
Dale's face dropped, he thought he could win Simon over with his jokes that were so ancient only those past forty five could understand them, (a bit like dolphin talk and marine biologists) unfortunately Simon wanted the monopoly on this and did not take kindly to Dale usurping him in any way.
Dale knew he had to think quickly, but being older meant that his brain cells were slower than his younger rival and he struggled, in fact all he could manage was.....................

 

[Mrs James]

knock knock
whos there?
Dale
Dale who?
Dalelightful,Daleicious and Daleectable to ladies of a certain age BOOM BOOM !!!

Simon =

 

[Artemis]

"Dale, me old mucker, you can be our post boy."
" POSTER Boy" screeched Dale, jumping up and down with delight until his dickey knee gave out..
" are you deaf as well as arthritic " sneered Simon " I said POST boy, now get yourself off to the post room. There's a whole sackful of none-too-polite letters from some ladies from somewhere called shoppingtelly. We can't afford to lose customers, go and pour rose hip oil on troubled waters.

Simon removed Nalintha from his knee and stood up. " I'm off for a break and to say what I really think in the corridor, while being filmed. For heaven's sake woman, put some clothes on " this last remark to Julia because her teeth were chattering with the cold, being dressed in only the Bare Escentuals (groan). In fact, she was actually, literally, gnashing her teeth, knowing that Alison would be admitted to his dressing room to powder his nose. This was all going tits up, which depressingly reminded her that her best feature was actually starting to point South..
Meanwhile, back in the dressing room.........

 

[LE lover]

Harald squealed at the others "I sought Dale vaz vonderful Dahlink, he makes me go ha ha, i lurve him" He pointed his large pompoos ringed finger at Dale and beckoned him into the dressing room. "You are a prince, amongst paupers, you vill feature on Cash, now you vait for me and i vill tok to zee ozers and make zem see sense".
Dale looked stunned,what did Harald want him to do, eventhough he had desperately wanted the job as Arlene's toy boy he really didn't relish the thought of being Haralds.
After what seemed like an eternity, Harald stepped forward.
"Dahlink Dale, Harald iz sorry but zeese peeps sink you are past it and only good for answering post about items zat take veeks to come, but no no Haraldd lurves you". Dale was lost for words "you vill me my PA" He gave Dale a big wink,
Dale was beginning to realise a job serving up pie and mash with Debbie in the canteen might be preferable.
"Dale dahlink, have you got somesink for me to nibble" The bejewelled one called.
Meanwhile in the corner, Charlie was sitting by his new boss Arlene and slowly stroking her brittle hair, he gazed at her frozen botoxed face and thought blimey i'd rather have had Harald.
Simon was shocked and dismayed at the lack of talent that had been paraded before him, but then it was understandable as he'd never watched before otherwise it would not have come as a shock. His old mate, the all round entertainer,John Barrowman was a fan and had tried on several occassions to persuade him to watch but Simon had never seen the appeal of jumping to a phone or getting involved in a queue situation.
Simon was despondant as he walked back to his head judge's chair now looking very handsome and flawless, as Alison had given him a quick swirl,tap and buff.
He sat down expecting more dross, and shouted Next, in came a very giggly Catherine...........

 

[witchy]

omg more,more please :mysmilie_61: