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who ooh'd and aah'd for an hour about her gorgeous pussies and her Lulu Guinness handbags...Simon was beside himself
 
Cheryl squeezed out a perfect tear and wobbled her lower lip.. " Simon, man, who's this Harald fella, I canna understand a fookin' word he sez, like, yer'd think he'd larn to talk proper English and he waers more eyeliner than me, like and that lass on the stage, like, she's crap, like "

Simon had to agree. He leaned back and waved a perfectly manicured hand in dismissal and shouted for the next act...

A young man scuttled across the stage wearing a "Star in the Hood" T shirt and sparkly jacket. The spotlight turned on him. "What's your name and what do you do" sighed Simon. The young man blinked and explained that he was only there to find out about the upcoming OTO's for the ShoppingTelly girls, then he ran off clutching his sheaf of papers.

" Shoppingtelly girls....there's that name again" mused Simon, I think we must contact them soon, I'm intrigued.............NEXT"....................
 
Sadly she was, well as real as anything on the telly could be and Simon was a master in the dark arts of viewer manipulation. Catherine on the other hand was just a novice with her girly gushing and squealing. Now she was almost incoherant with sycophancy, for despite her fondness for festivals she was aware that Simon was the true king in the entertainment world. "ooh,ohmygoshBAFTAXFACTORoohluluguinessluckymedentalnurseontellyoohhandbagearringoohBAFTAlovelydancingooh" "for god's sake woman, use some punctuation or just ****** shut up" snapped Simon. "As you are here i'll and as I cannot stand another minute of your pointless noise I am going to tell you what I have planned for you" "oohsimoncowellspoketomeBAFTABAFTABAFTAaargah" she shrieked as Simon slapped her face. "Right" he shouted "you and that other highly irritating one, Clara, I mean Claire are going to front a children's section selling grossly overpriced buggies, hideous clothes, expensive digital bottle warmers, dimonique christening bracelets, you get the picture? You and Clara can gush like amniotic fluid at the onset of labour, but you must SELL SELL SELL, the shifts have been organised to fit in with Clara's I mean Claire's other work on Babestation and the alternative nannying service she runs for stressed executives, now get out of my sight" Catherine left the dressing room "Wow" she thought "that went really well, Simon really really likes me, he likes me even better than Lulu Guiness and he's much more famous than her, to think i was once a dental nurse and now my talents have been acknowledged by the most powerful man in the media business, I am so lucky" She was momentarily silent, lost in happy thoughts then her attention was caught by the sight of Ali Young pushing her beauty trolley down the corridor. A blue light was flashing and Catherine noticed that Ali was wearing green scrubs. "Beauty emergency, crash team to Cheryl Cole's dressing room" she shouted. Ali's dream had come true, Cheryl was literally actually in the building, she had broken a nail and had sent for Alison!!! The beauty expert did not even bother to knock at Cheryl's dressing room door, after all she was an actual beauty consultant and could prescribe, in fact she was the fourth emergency service. Barging into Cheryl's room her steely gaze took in the astonishing sight of..............
 
"Get that fookin fairy dust shite out of my eye" screamed cheryl "Go sprinkle yur tinsel somewhere else" you demented fairy.
Alison, curtysed to Cheryl, could it be true "Are you literally, actually the pro collagen Marine cream queen Cheryl cole?" "way ay pet."
The excitement was to much For Ali Young PHD BS, and she collapsed at cheryl's perfectly pedicured feet. Cheryl slowly got up,it had to be slowly as her dress only allowed her to take tiny steps otherwise she would topple over. She stepped over Ali Young PHD BS and toddled off to find Leighton Denny to mend her nail. She wanted him as he was the multi award winning manicurist to huge stars like Jannette Krankie and the blonde one who used to be in Hearsay.He gave her a bit of his slick tips and that seemed to make her smile again.
Perfectly Manicured, she regained her composure and went to find Simon. She was stopped in her tiny tracks by the sound of some deafening Moaning and groaning. Could someone else be playing with Simon's affection, she was under the distinct impression that she was the only lapdog/girl for him.
Her curiousity was getting the better of her, she quietly pushed the door open and couldn't believe her little geordie eyes as there was Simon in a very compromising position with ..........
 
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...which was odd because fair skin and blonde hair doesn't normally do it for him. On closer inspection, it was Simon that was moaning and writhing. He had just seen Michelle's new Autumn/Winter collection and it was too much for a man of his ascetic taste.
" Look what ye've done to him, yer barmy mare ", she hissed," it's a wonder he hasn't gone blind, like" and she helped him out of the room, pausing only to give Michelle a swift uppercut to the chin....
 
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To her surprise, the blow caused Hopeless' blonde wig to fly off, revealing the awful truth - that underneath was a short ginger crew-cut. Hopeless screamed, grabbed her wig and raced off. "And ter think," muttered Cheryl, "I gor bollocked fur me heer extenshuns."

Somewhere along the corridor, there was a scream. Leaving Simon to battle with the heap of violently-patterened polyester, she rushed along to the door where the noise had come from. It was marked 'Studio', and inside there was a desk behind which sat a woman with the tightest ponytail Cheryl had ever seen.

Jilly Halliday was nearing complete hysteria. She had been broadcasting for six solid hours, as presenter after presenter failed to turn up for their shows. Never having had the widest vocabulary, Jilly found herself saying 'proving very popular' and 'you really must get this one' at random, from sheer exhaustion. She had given up laying the earrings uselessly against the back of her hand, and was just clutching them between her teeth and giggling. When she found herself describing a pair of Yaktrax as 'trendy' and 'decadent', she knew she was going over the edge.

And then she let out a scream as she saw...
 
Jennifer Kirk advancing towards her with an ear-piercing gadget, leaving a sparkling trail in her wake. Jilly is a big-boned girl but was no match for the clearly demented, Ms Kirk who had obviously imbibed a little too much fairy dust, so-much-so that she had started to believe her own nonsense. Ever the professional, Jilly started to introduce her but was cut off by a voice out of camera shot saying....
 
''don't eat the apple....i repeat, don't eat the apple''


images
 
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and while we're at it, Get your ****** hair cut, how can i talk about hair being sexy when you're around". it was of course Philip Kingsley who was due to go on air any second with his sidekick mr teasy weasy. Gilly was undetered she carried on regardless but couldn't help feeling hurt by the comments about her flat, brown ridiculously long limp hair.
Alison Young PHD BS had heard Mr kingsley's dull monotonous tones and came round from her cheryl cole induced coma. She dusted herself down and ran as fast as she could "Philip, Philip please tell me the Audrey Hepburn Elasticiser story again i haven't heard it for at least a week and you know how i love it" Alison gushed still breathless from her run.
Philip of course obliged but Mr Teasy Weasy's attention was diverted by the crying he could just about hear coming from the next room. They weren't litlle sobs but the cries of someone who was obviously very distressed. He threw his hairdryer and yogi wand to the floor and flounced off to see who could be so upset. It was poor.....
 
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LE lover said:
and while we're at it, Get your ****** hair cut, how can i talk about hair being sexy when you're around". it was of course Philip Kingsley who was due to go on air any second with his sidekick mr teasy weasy. Gilly was undetered she carried on regardless but couldn't help feeling hurt by the comments about her flat, brown ridiculously long limp hair.
Alison Young PHD BS had heard Mr kingsley's dull monotonous tones and came round from her cheryl cole induced coma. She dusted herself down and ran as fast as she could "Philip, Philip please tell me the Audrey Hepburn Elasticiser story again i haven't heard it for at least a week and you know how i love it" Alison gushed still breathless from her run.
Philip of course obliged but Mr Teasy Weasy's attention was diverted by the crying he could just about hear coming from the next room. They weren't litlle sobs but the cries of someone who was obviously very distressed. He threw his hairdryer and yogi wand to the floor and flounced off to see who could be so upset. It was poor.....
Click to expand...

******* Basso............ Simon being an animal lover and supporter of charities. Had said, You come here again you evil monster and I will have you skinned and mounted over my mandle place!

******* Basso sobbed, "but no one can afford my real fur anymore and they have found out about the slaughter house I have in the back yard!!!!"...........
 
"Dennis left hurridly, he was unrepentant but amazed that his not so secret slaughter house had been rumbled by Simon. "You can stick your faux fur where the sun don't shine." scowled Simon
Simon had a very self satisfied smile on his face. His plan was slowly but surely falling into place. He reviewed his new empire.
Craig had been despatched by 2nd class post to Bristol although he probably still hadn't arrived, Debbie was dishing up the leftovers from Lime tree pantry's beef and ale pies in the canteen, Dale was Harald's PA/plaything, Charlie was Arlene's own little charlie bear, The annoying tweenies were selling all the gushy toot and now the grand exit of butcher boy.
Things were definitely going according to his plan for shopping telly domination. But something very strange was about to happen, something he hadn't planned for.........
 
Of course......Julia Roberts or JuRo as she was now thinking of herself. She knew she was destined to be a pivotal part of Simon's empire at CASH, and boy could she still pivot.Like Arlene she had cause to fear the twin arrows of sexism and ageism but she had just received a very comforting voice mail message from Harald, the artistic and creative director of CASH. She played it again, it was so very soothing although she did not really understand German "Acch meine kleine Liebchen Julia, du bist meine Kartofflen und Ich leibe dich, now I hav speak to Simon und Ich hav tell him das du must front the launch of das neue TSV tomorrow" So Harald had the courage to over rule Simon and pick her to be restored to her rightful place, like a shopping channel Scarlett O'Hara she smiled to herself "Tommorrow was another day " and was going to bring the exciting launch of CASH with herself at the helm. Now off to see Harald to do some prep and find out what the TSV was and of course allow some time to rummage through wardrobe and make up to make sure she was going to look her most alluring. Feeling rather smug Julia knocked on the door of Harald's office...............
 
"Dahlink, cloze zos lurvely eyes Ze virst CASH TSV eez" Julia was full of anticipation her heart was thumping, ten to the dozen almost causing her chesticles to burst out of her indigo moon top.
"Da Da" yelped Harald sounding like a cross between an overgrown school boy and Bruno.
Julia opened her eyes and saw what she could only describe as the most humiliating piece of clothing she she could ever be associated with.
"Votz ze matter" said Harald "You don't like".
Julia was lost for words her smudgeproof Aubergine smashbox eyeliner was streaming down her face and she felt about as humiliated as was humanly possible.
"I Julia Roberts do not wish to be the face of CASH's new plus size range, thank you very much". she cried
"Vell sorry, you sink so miss teeny tiny but i deesagree" said Harald

What was she to do........
 
As she always did in times of stress Julia took herself off to Claire Sutton's Workplace Dungeon where Claire worked off her tensions between hardworking QVC hours of pretending to be sweet and girly, and where they had been keeping the much missed Lee Bradley since he vanished from our screens.

It would be calming for Lee to speak soothingly and rhythmically of meaningless things, read cod philosophy off the back of packets, spray barely discernible fragrances over her head and rub scented creams into the backs of her hands. Maybe they'd squeeze bubbles out of a bath sponge together? They both enjoyed that part. So long as he used the real formulas and not the "Especially for QVC TSVs" watered down versions.

Daniel Green tried to join in but "Get back in your box!" Julia snarled and he slunk back into the darkness whimpering gently. His overconfidence in his own abilities and lack of respect for the Queen of QVC had sealed his fate from the very beginning.

Only Craig's puppy dog enthusiasm about all things QVC and his habit of falling to his knees in supplication very time Julia passed by had saved him from a similar fate. Momentarily Julia worried how he was affording the rent the vast warehouse he had to live in in order to house all his purchases from QVC on the 7 hours a week he seemed to work - but with a toss of her glossy mane she returned to the issue at hand.

Checking her immaculate maquillage and hoisting her assets she stepped back out into the light and strode down the QVC corridors as fast as her teeny tiny little purple pedicured feet would carry her...
 
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she was no calmer, how could she stand the humiliation of having to say i'm wearing the large. She tried practising but however hard she tried the words just wouldn't come out."I'm a l lar, larg "It was no good they were just words that were alien to her.
This was strange as she never had any trouble sneering that Joy was a plus size.
poor Julia was in a quandry did she join the others which was nothing more than demotion,become chairman of Crystal palace or present the brand new range"Boobs R us".
As she pondered her options she bumped head on into Joy, who had already been booked to model for the show. Joy could hardly surpress the urge to laugh, she had been waiting to get her own back on Julia for years. She may have stood and smiled everytime Julia mentioned her size but what she had always wanted to do was wallop her.
Joy looked at Julia, smiled and said..........
 

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