JR writing a book

[silversequin]

"ah ha" squealed Alison warming to her challenge of transforming Debbie into a glowing living advertisment for all the beauty products that QVC had to offer. "Skin Care next, let's exfoliate, hydrate, regurgitate, mastu.....oops, getting carried away there". Alison wheeled in a trolley bursting with bottles and pots containing serums, creams and potions. "Now I heard about the little accident with Lulu's spare head, but me and my bessie mate Lu are willing to forgive and forget if you agree to toady up to us both forever and forever" . There was somethng chilling in Alison's eyes as she began to work on Debbie's complexion. Lying back on the treatment couch Debbie began to wonder if the return to QVC had been a terrible mistake, if only it was all a bad dream and she could wake up and find.................

 

[SusieJ]

Anthony next to her. Now that would bring a smile to her face and also give her new memory foam mattress a good workout. She had long decided that he would be her first target on her return to QVC, given that Dale was now getting on a bit. She had tried to pounce on him during the QVC Xmas party, but he had moved at the last second and she had fallen on top of Craig. Now he HAD been eager - rather too eager if the truth be told.

Anyway, all that could wait. She wasn't that desperate - yet. However .....

 

[LE lover]

Debbie's face began to feel rather strange. It was starting to become very hot and prickly,at first she thought it was a hot flush but she laughed and dismissed that thought as she was obviously far too young,
"Quick get me a mirror now." shrieked Debbie. "SSSH" Said Alison" i'm on the phone to France i need some supersizes of the Shea butter body lotion, that bloomin Alexis has let me down again."
Debbie leapt off the couch grabbed a hand mirror and screamed as her face had turned crimson with tiny boils beginning to erupt.
"Au revoir et Merci Olivier" Alison concluded rather smugly as she placed the phone down. She wandered over to the next room to see what the comotion with Debbie was. Alison was feeling very pleased with herself as she would now have Debbie to add to her illustrious list of celebrities that she could con the public with, she could hear herself promising , as used by Cheryl cole, Lulu and now Debbie flint.

she took one look at Debbie's face and went over to her trolley to get the Instant boost skin tonic.
"Debbie, this will calm it down it has natural source vitamin E and Aloe Vera" said Alison, who was now beginning to realise that maybe she should have mentioned that some of the products weren't suitable for combination skin.
"You stupid cow" bellowed Debbie, look at the state of me". with that the door opened and in walked a rather smug looking....

 

[silversequin]

Charlie, smugness being his natural state of being. "Flinty me old mucker, you look in a right two and eight" he said. "What's with the mockney accent?" snapped Debbie, angered and worried by the burning sensation in her previously flawless, botoxed complexion; "we're not in a bleedin Guy Ritchie flick". "Leave it out old girl, I've got news for you, the whole team of presenters, yes even that Craig and the gardening one have been summoned to an EGM with the CEO and all the directors, managers and "powers that be" , the credit crunch has finally caught up with Britain's No 1 shopping channel and there are going to be cuts and big changes. Rumour has it that......

 

[LE lover]

it's last one in first one out. "Bleedin 'ell" said Debbie. " i'm afraid so" smiled charlie, confident that his job was secure ,"you may be going the same way as Daniel Green"
Debbie was worried and scared "You mean no one will ever even mention me again and i'll be forgotten forever"
Debbie in desperation grabbed charlie's arm fell to her saggy knees and pleaded "put in a good word for me, i've got a big mouth to feed"
"Id help you if i could" said charlie lying through his newly whitened teeth.
The door was shut Debbie seized the moment and pulled him close to her heaving bosom. "Brooksy we could be good together" she panted "we don't need the others" I hear through the grapevine that you have a panchant for a bit of rough"
Charlie was flattered at Debbie's sudden interest in him, it didn't occur to him that she could be using him as all the women at QVC towers had made a pass at him at one time or another.
With that the door pushed against them and they fell to the floor in a heap. Standing at the door was a shocked JR............

 

[silversequin]

She was on her way to the EGM and had thought she had time to have a quick gloat at Debbie as she was convinced that the threatened cull would not include the glorious JR. Now she was confronted with a fresh nightmare, Charlie and Debbie entwined on the floor, would this day of hell ever end? Charlie grinned up at Julia, "hey darllin'" he crooned in his strangely seductive newly aquired accent "Fancy three easy pays, you, me and Debs?". Julia fought with a morass of confliciting emotions, the primary one being a strange tingling excitement at the thought of .................

 

[barbedwire]

slipping it in on air....No - not like that, you filthy lot... but mentioning live on air the fact that she'd caught Charlie and Debbie in a compromising position. What WOULD that do to Mr Reveal's popularity once his brigade of fans find out he's mockney? Oh, yep - and that's he's a philanderer too...

But Julia wasn't the only one to witness these scene of carnage - unbeknowns to her someone was lurking in the shadows surveying the scene...

 

[LE lover]

a menage a trois. She hadn't had one since the incident at the 1999 christmas party with Dale and the lady that sells the Easyio yogurt. She still thought about it often but had not been able to eat banana yogurt since that day.
The thought of charlie's slow reveal was becoming too much for her.
Debbie squacked "Ere Julia, You've heard of Debbie does Dallas. we could make our own version Debbie does Dulwich"
Julia, flounced out the room worried that she would become unable to control herself.
Debbie pulled herself up, buttoned up her Kim and Co firework blouse and gazed at Charlie. He was pensive but feeling highly charged, should he risk his job for a quickie with the spotty faced one or should he find someone else to join him and Debbie. ......

 

[silversequin]

Cheeky Cockney Mockney Charlie surveyed the carnage both literal in the buxom shapes of his co-presenters Julia and Debbie and metaphorical in the form of his show biz career as ring revealer supremeo. He had caught sight of the shadowy lurking figure, had seen the sneer of contempt flit over the familiar features as the interloper surveyed the repellant sight of the three presenters sprawled on the floor. Charlie had heard rumours in the QVC staff canteen that a new and dynamic CEO was coming to QVC towers, indeed tremulous whispers from Claire Sutton had hinted that it was to be none other than "Alan Walan Sugar Daddy Waddy Boo Boo". The thought had terrified Charlie, that voice booming out "Your'e Fired!", that face glowering at him, it was the stuff of horror. But the mysterious figure was not Sir Alan, the gleaming white teeth, boot polish black hair and sneeering expression belonged to none other than Simon Cowell!!! "Stone the crows" Charlie breathed to himself, " we are going to have to audition so that we can keep our jobs, what can I do? what shall i sing? dance?, who else will be judging us, will it be.....................

 

[Artemis]

..Cheryl!!! "Why aye, bonny lads and lasses, it's me,if yer can make a tear roll doon me cheek,yer in with a chance"....

 

[Artemis]

"..I dooon't want to be tret with kid gloves, jest show me to the poshest dressing room." JR flinched.....

Cheryl's heavily mascara'ed eyes alighted on Alison Young who was curtseying and simpering..
" Who're ye like, pet? Div a know you? "

 

[LE lover]

Arlene phillips, she had been stuck in the wilderness since getting the heave ho from SCD, where she had been replaced by a newer younger more inexperienced model.
Charlie knew she would want to send all the females into presenter heaven and keep all the males to drool over. He hadn't forgotten how she used to salivate over Mark Ramprakash.
How could he have been so stupid as to have let Debbie sidetrack him. He had to think fast, how could he make a good impression with Arlene.
At last it came to him, he would form a male dance troupe and charm Arlene. They had the costumes as the warehouse was full of ridiculous garish clothes that had been passed off for years as fashion.
But had he thought this out properly! The majority of the female presenters were ex dancers ,and although most of them were well past their sell by date and may have trouble raising their arthritic knees they could probably still give Charlie's boys a run for their money. What should he do.....

 

[silversequin]

He would work and work and work on his routine. The prospect of auditioning in front of Simon Cowell, The "angel of the north" Cheryl Cole and the fearsome Arlene Phillips was terrifying, but the prospect of queing up at Jobscentre plus (no Q Cut there!) was even more appalling. The male dance troupe needed to have everything, a tragic back story to get Cheryl on side, toned, taut bodies to set Arlene salivating and of course show biz magic to win over the Dark Lord, Mr Cowell. Who was fit to join Charlie? Dale, Julian, Craig, Anthony, the gardening one, Simon (Biagi NOT Wilson surely). Decisions, decisions, his career as ring flasher was in the balance. First things first, a song needed to be slected, something like.........

 

[LE lover]

The boys are back in town or...

 

[margaret43]

YMCA or ........

 

[Choppysocks]

Dimoneeek is forever, yes a James Bond theme would do it for sure.

 

[LE lover]

Or could the whole thing be a terrible mistake and should he leave the comfortable surroundings of qvc and go and parade his irresistable charms to a more upmarket channel like Price drop TV, surely his talents would be recognised there. He had some serious thinking to do.

Meanwhile,JR was in her dressing room, she was staring into the mirror that was adorned by soft focus lights that she'd stolen from Liz Earle's team when they'd been busy putting together Liz's press cuttings. Rumour had it the mirror had been especially brought in from Marks and Spencers changing rooms as they made you look a size smaller than you are,but no one had dared to suggest this to Julia as they valued their jobs.

She wondered if her,long Ken Pave extensions and jumbo assets could make the confirmed bachelor simon cowell succumb.Would she once again have to join forces with her arch rival Debbie and make sure the others didn't get their perfectly manicured mitts all over Simon. Or, she thought to herself, should she make some new friends and put some old differences behind her.
This of course meant she would have to worm and squirm her way around the likes of Claudia, Pippa or heaven forbid Anne Dawson. She had never really given them the time of day before, but needs must she thought to herself.If i can make the viewers believe that Freeze 24/7 muck works then i can surely convince these girlies that i like them.
As she stared vacantly into space pondering her shaky future and weighing up her options, she felt a strong hand on her shoulder. "Julia I need to speak to you...........

 

[silversequin]

"It's Simon", but which one? The name Simon seemed to be the key to Julia's fate and indeed to be part of the very fabric (machine wash on a cool setting of course) of her life and career. Simon Biaggi, Simon Wilson and now the dreaded Mr Cowell. Gazing around to confront the tall, cosmetically enhanced man she realised it was Simon Wilson, king of glitz and style. Surely he could help her work out a relevant and compelling routine to win over the three judges and see her restored to her rightful place as Queen of QVC? After all didn't BW jewellery feature on "Strictly come Dancing". "oh Simon" she whispered, "please say you will help me, you are a bit more upmarket than many of our guests, I mean your creations have been featured in Vogue and Grazia and I'm a real Vogue lady unlike Flinty who would be more at home in the pages of Take a Break". But Simon did not seem to be giving his full attention to Julia, was it the end of their double act, the end of his overpriced gewgaws adorning her oversized assests? What could she do now to impress Simon Cowell, she wanted to rage against the machine that was live shopping TV which had raised her so high and now seemed to be about to crush her in its gaping maw. "simon you are effing useless, I thought you knew how to stage manage an event, look at all that stuff about your anniversary I boasted, I mean posted about on my blog, If i go, you will go too, I don't think the great god Cowell will think you are on trend, I've heard that Jedward are launching a range of fashion jewellery, desert me and I'll ruin you" Her voice rose to a screech as she realised she would have to get Pippa and Claudia to help her. Rising like a phoenix from her chair she set out to............

 

[LE lover]

round up Pippa, cloudier and grudgingly Jill, Claire and Catherine. Julia entered the staff canteen and intruded on the others who were munching through their diet chef chilli con carne. "Do you want some Julia." smirked Jill. Julia ignored her acidic comments and flung herself on the chair almost incapable of speaking she was so angry. Catheine was the first to feign concern. Julia spluttered "He doesn't want me anymore, after all i've done for that man, all that overpriced tat i've sold for him"
So said pippa "Basso doesn't want you anymore." Julia wiped her tear stained face and very quietly muttered impatiently "Not Basso, Simon Wilson" There was a huge intake of breath as the others tried to come to terms with the shocking news.
Cloudier looked sheepish and her cheeks were flushed . Suddenly the penny dropped Simon wilson had asked Cloudier to be his sidekick after all she was tall, classy and looked like she could afford to visit his exclusive South Molten st shop.
Julia slowly rose to her feet, stood on tip toes and tried to look cloudier in the eye. The others looked on in eager anticipation of a catfight hurridly deciding amongst thmselves who it was best to side with
"Ladies in my office now................

 

[Artemis]

..find Glenn, "stylist to the stars". For years, he'd been trying to persuade her to ditch the voluminous tops and build a capsule wardrobe based around a pant, a little pump and a white T. shirt. Maybe dressing-down was the way to go, Cheryl mustn't think she was trying to steal her thunder or she might mark her down. She left Cheryl gazing at herself in the mirror, practising crying to order, under the adoring gaze of the fickle Simon Wilson while Ali Young polished her shoes with her tongue....