I
iclaudipuss
Guest Shopper
Life at QVC had been tootling along in the usual way for our revered CEO. There were the requisite ups and downs expected at such a high level of management. Mr QVC pondered the latest goings-on and reflected that life for the man wielding power in such a cut-throat industry was far from the glamorous thing it seemed to the casual outsider.
True, he had just received news that Kim Mendelson of MontrealCanada had finished designing her Eleganza range and a fabulous unisex trouser suit had been cherry-picked for the next Kim & Co TSV.
The shades offered were to be a mouthwatering mix of Martyr to Mocha, Cheeky Cerise, Orlando OrangeSqueeze, Sardine Silver, and Perfect Placenta. He was now envisaging a universal jump to the phones by on-trend customers, particularly when they viewed Kim of MontrealCanada's exclusive to QVC shoe range. Never has a Cuban heel been so lushly presented.
As the slogan says: Things Happen When You Wear Eleganza
NOTE: QVC would like to make it perfectly clear that they will take no responsibility should those happenings include any or all of the following:
(a) arrest
(b) loud guffawing
(c) jeering
(d) Abject humiliation
(e) assault
(f) murder
Your statutory rights are not affected.
Mr QVC winced when he recalled the slight hitch-ette that occurred during last week's airing of the Philosophy TSV when the 24 models at the table used rather too much product and were promptly enveloped in a miasma of foam and bubbles:
Ali Young
was, for once, stuck for actual words, literally, though she rallied gamely and told the viewers that only the most actual presteejus products in this pewer meejum size for you produced such actual abundant foam, literally. We were all most surprised to learn that such an effect was very desirable for shift-workers, nurses, actual teachers, lollipop ladies, and babysitters. We were further surprised when she literally swung a right hook at Ruhnee for ruining the TSV launch, though we had to admit that it showed there were occasional flashes of reason in our resident beauty expert. Literally.
Still, mused Mr QVC, at least he had one tremendous coup to his credit in that he had managed to secure an appearance of that up and coming girlband The Boswell Sisters
with the latest sex symbol on the pop scene, Cheryl Coaldust, as lead singer. Apparently, their recording of Don't Sit Under The Apple Tree With Anyone Else But Me is being played at every major youth event in the UK.
Our hero was not terribly convinced that Dennis Basso had reacted appropriately to his anti-fur critics when he unveiled his latest TSV:
a tasteful little number that Glen Campbell pronounced bang on trend for this season's story, particularly when paired with a little cardigan and, perhaps on those colder days, a little trouser.
Another wince ensued when Mr QVC remembered the Sir Patrick Moore hoohah; an incident which had left him with the inability to nap unless someone held his hand and whispered to him the words of 'Oh, What A Beautiful Morning'.
Sir Patrick had agreed to come on and promote his CD on which he plays his xylophone interpretations of the Brotherhood of Man's Greatest Hits. His Save All Your Kisses For Me really brings unbidden tears to the eyes.
Sir Patrick had requested that he be accompanied by the Dolly Haggett Tromboning Romany Dwarves
but they had been banned from playing in public due to reckless behaviour with a euphonium outside a TK Maxx store in Carlisle.
Patrick discussed the situation with his agent Ptolemy Tickletum the Third
and tentatively agreed to a solo appearance. However, he wasn't as young as he had been, (he knew, for instance, that he had been 23 at one point) and requested that the resident beauty expert put to use the advice contained in her latest book:
thus restoring his confidence and youthful energy. Things proceeded well for a time and Ali's actual products did their literal thing. The only problem was that things were going too far and our eminent astronomer was a tad alarmed:
Ali was forced to admit that the products she had used were somewhat experimental in nature, literally, but that many encouraging results had been obtained when the unguents were tested on actual willing volunteers:
Just before Ms Young went on a long leave of literal absence, she mentioned that she and the scientist who had invented the cream
which appeared to have been composed of the gonads of a goat born during the full moon, a mixture of arrowroot and henbane on a molasses base and macerated with borage, had been experimenting on various members of QVC staff.
Imagine our hero's surprise when he was confronted with the results of this descent onto cosmetic chaos. Firstly, Clare Sutton felt any before and after photos of her would be unconvincing to the viewers as the effects were far too subtly-wubtly and no one could see any real difference at alley walley:
Jill F thought the cream was like hello amayzing and something she could easily slot into her simple daily routine of 760 products. She said that her Larry had mentioned that her lips were just ever so slightly fuller since using the stuff and that was amayzing and like hello, who wouldn't want fuller lips?
Lulu felt she would like to continue with the cream for a while though she stated that it was nowhere near as good as her own Timebomb range which worked so effectively that she had never considered surgery, botox or fillers. No indeed, she never considered them - she just went ahead and had them. Silly really when you can see from the piccy how good her skin is with products alone:
Charlie B said he couldn't be bothered with the stuff because it had caused such a change in the rate of his beard growth that he was forced to shave 32 times an hour. This, he felt, would interfere with his slow reveal and, indeed, impinge upon his other jobs as teddy fondler and serial killer:
Dale thought the cream was reasonably effective and great value for money, but mentioned that his wife had said he was looking somewhat wooden of late:
Later research showed that the evil genius behind this product was a lunatic by the name of Strangelove
currently being sought by the French National Police:
Add to this the fact that Catherine's old trouble had reasserted itself:
somewhat upsetting her co-workers who insisted upon being issued with expensive equipment to combat the problem:
All this, however, was nothing compared to the main issue vexing Mr QVC at this time. His third favourite niece, 16 year old Delores O'Goldstein, had run away from home with an "undesirable type".
What had happened to the delightful young girl who lived for her hula hoop lessons?
Delores had changed from a wholesome gal
looking forward to marrying her adored sweetheart Twistleton Fosslethwaite:
to a boy mad minx intent on a life of notoriety:
From being an A Grade student she had become nothing more than a
who was
Oh yes, it was a slippery slope from:
to:
She was definitely getting a reputation:
She spent a lot of time on
and decided
After all
As if it wasn't bad enough that she had spurned young Twistleton, Delores took up with the town's bad boys, Marlon Bongo:
and the beautiful, but dangerous, Alan Doolong:
Then before we knew where we were she had met an artist calling himself Pierce Da Vinci:
He told her that he had painted a picture that would rival the Mona Lisa and garner him worldwide fame:
Alas, he was fickle, and Delores brooded mightily when he ran off with an experimental Cubist going through her Blue Period.
Delores tried to console herself in the arms of Pierce's brother, that escapee from Hunk Heaven, Cornelius Clenchednuts:
Cornelius had achieved fame of his own having come 437th out of a group of 437 who had entered the 1973 Mr Universe contest. He was now widely known as an unbeaten champion at Kerplunk. And yet he wasn't enough for Delores, so they parted and he is now to be found canoodling in a chicken shed in Tennesseee with ShoppingTelly.com's very own mrsm.
And then she met Galahad Trusstrain, the third best Charlie Chaplin impersonator in Grimsby:
Galahad felt that once he had perfected his Clark Gable impression:
and indeed his Bogart:
Not to mention his Sinatra:
and his uncannily accurate Elvis:
with perhaps a soupcon of Jagger:
he would achieve fame and fortune everywhere, even as far as Huddersfield.
So the intrepid pair ran away together to seek a new life filled with excitement and adventure.
Mr QVC regretted that he had allowed his niece to spend so much time in the company of her aunt Joan who, perhaps, was not the best role model for a young susceptible girl:
Once more our hero called upon noted Private Eye Muscles O'Malley:
a man with two undeniable abilities:
(a) he could hide in plain sight
(b) he could set off a smoke alarm within 3 seconds of entering a building
and gave him the task of finding young D and bringing her home.
Muscles asked those two notorious gossips, Cissie and Ada, what they had heard and they told him that the word on the street was that Delores had opened a brothel in Burnley catering for geriatric greengrocers hooked on celery.
Mr Q unburdened himself to Julia Roberts and she was as sympathetic as always:
though some old geezer she was with, Phil something or other, pointed in the direction he felt a rebellious runaway would go:
Julia had of late been a mite irritable and apt to remind people of her glamorous past:
One of her recent spats with her producer left him in a brief coma and led to her arrest and incarceration:
Since that time, though, Julia had turned things around. She had dieted assiduously and was now, apparently, a size small, though she certainly never mentioned the fact to a single soul. Add to that her experiments with Ali's controversial cream and I must say we all felt there had been the teensiest of changes though we were darned if we could fathom what they were:
Meanwhile our terrible twosome were travelling from place to place and getting very bored of it. If only Delores had known that her beloved piggywig, Peppermint, had gone into a steep decline and positively refused to wear her wellybobs, even in the most inclement weather:
Against all advice, Peppermint had decided to look for her mistress herself, the brave wee toots:
Delores told Galahad that she was tired of moving from motel to motel, even if Crossroads, their current one, was a 5 star establishment, or at least it would be if the walls didn't wobble so much. She had also become firm friends with a lady going by the name of Miss Diane, and an awfully bright chap called Benny:
Miss Diane told Galahad that the circus was in town and mentioned there were bound to be jobs for 2 aspiring showbiz artistes.
So it was that 3 months later, Muscles, acting on a tip from Michael Di Cesare:
who had spotted Delores as one half of the Flying Fontainbleus, a sighting confirmed by his friend Liberace Pettigrew:
now sadly on the run himself after popping up in an episode of the FBI's Most Wanted...
Muscles went to Corby's Cornucopia of Circus Delights to ascertain the facts of the matter.
Following a brief, but tense, meeting with Gertrude Gethsemane and her Mongolian Death Worm, Bert:
and a most enlightening chat with the delightful Madame Delait:
not to mention the very helpful Humperdinck Bartholomew and his charming and, indeed, flexible wife Florence:
a few minutes with the Gluckson Twins who were so alike you simply couldn't tell them apart:
Muscles tracked his quarry who were dazzling the crowds with their daring feats on the Flying Trapeze:
It seemed that trapeze artist Olga Whooshwhizz
in return for a lifetime supply of Slim 'n' Lift had taught our pair everything she knew. And she had then insisted on teaching them the arcane skills of the aerial specialist.
Galahad earned some extra cash by filling in for the resident clown, Coco Popsicles when Coco went off on one of his week long boozing binges:
Our adventurous duo agreed to return to QVC Towers. Delores was quite relieved to do so as her exploits on the trapeze were playing havoc with the gussets of her Breezies knickers.
Mr QVC was overjoyed to see Delores again, and far from being angry about her time at the circus, he delightedly confessed that his grandfather had been none other than Darwin Dexter, the most successful bare-knuckle fighter of the Edwardian era:
It was clear that showbiz blood flowed, though in somewhat tributary fashion, through the QVC veins.
This has been another "For You" production smuggled from the secure wing of Shady Pines Home for the Terminally Bewildered.
You'll be thrilled to know that Professor Helmholz, his dog Hrolf, and his manservant Hrolf, are confident that my skills in the basket weaving class, along with my new found interest in macrame, will lead to a complete reversal of my condition.
I have, indeed, been working with Helmholz on his groundbreaking treatise Psychosis Before Lunch: Could Carbohydrates Be The Answer? The idea came to him when he noticed I was calmer on my Dolmio days, though I was quick to point out to him that other accompaniments to pasta are available.
True, he had just received news that Kim Mendelson of MontrealCanada had finished designing her Eleganza range and a fabulous unisex trouser suit had been cherry-picked for the next Kim & Co TSV.
The shades offered were to be a mouthwatering mix of Martyr to Mocha, Cheeky Cerise, Orlando OrangeSqueeze, Sardine Silver, and Perfect Placenta. He was now envisaging a universal jump to the phones by on-trend customers, particularly when they viewed Kim of MontrealCanada's exclusive to QVC shoe range. Never has a Cuban heel been so lushly presented.
As the slogan says: Things Happen When You Wear Eleganza
NOTE: QVC would like to make it perfectly clear that they will take no responsibility should those happenings include any or all of the following:
(a) arrest
(b) loud guffawing
(c) jeering
(d) Abject humiliation
(e) assault
(f) murder
Your statutory rights are not affected.
Mr QVC winced when he recalled the slight hitch-ette that occurred during last week's airing of the Philosophy TSV when the 24 models at the table used rather too much product and were promptly enveloped in a miasma of foam and bubbles:
Ali Young
was, for once, stuck for actual words, literally, though she rallied gamely and told the viewers that only the most actual presteejus products in this pewer meejum size for you produced such actual abundant foam, literally. We were all most surprised to learn that such an effect was very desirable for shift-workers, nurses, actual teachers, lollipop ladies, and babysitters. We were further surprised when she literally swung a right hook at Ruhnee for ruining the TSV launch, though we had to admit that it showed there were occasional flashes of reason in our resident beauty expert. Literally.
Still, mused Mr QVC, at least he had one tremendous coup to his credit in that he had managed to secure an appearance of that up and coming girlband The Boswell Sisters
with the latest sex symbol on the pop scene, Cheryl Coaldust, as lead singer. Apparently, their recording of Don't Sit Under The Apple Tree With Anyone Else But Me is being played at every major youth event in the UK.
Our hero was not terribly convinced that Dennis Basso had reacted appropriately to his anti-fur critics when he unveiled his latest TSV:
a tasteful little number that Glen Campbell pronounced bang on trend for this season's story, particularly when paired with a little cardigan and, perhaps on those colder days, a little trouser.
Another wince ensued when Mr QVC remembered the Sir Patrick Moore hoohah; an incident which had left him with the inability to nap unless someone held his hand and whispered to him the words of 'Oh, What A Beautiful Morning'.
Sir Patrick had agreed to come on and promote his CD on which he plays his xylophone interpretations of the Brotherhood of Man's Greatest Hits. His Save All Your Kisses For Me really brings unbidden tears to the eyes.
Sir Patrick had requested that he be accompanied by the Dolly Haggett Tromboning Romany Dwarves
but they had been banned from playing in public due to reckless behaviour with a euphonium outside a TK Maxx store in Carlisle.
Patrick discussed the situation with his agent Ptolemy Tickletum the Third
and tentatively agreed to a solo appearance. However, he wasn't as young as he had been, (he knew, for instance, that he had been 23 at one point) and requested that the resident beauty expert put to use the advice contained in her latest book:
thus restoring his confidence and youthful energy. Things proceeded well for a time and Ali's actual products did their literal thing. The only problem was that things were going too far and our eminent astronomer was a tad alarmed:
Ali was forced to admit that the products she had used were somewhat experimental in nature, literally, but that many encouraging results had been obtained when the unguents were tested on actual willing volunteers:
Just before Ms Young went on a long leave of literal absence, she mentioned that she and the scientist who had invented the cream
which appeared to have been composed of the gonads of a goat born during the full moon, a mixture of arrowroot and henbane on a molasses base and macerated with borage, had been experimenting on various members of QVC staff.
Imagine our hero's surprise when he was confronted with the results of this descent onto cosmetic chaos. Firstly, Clare Sutton felt any before and after photos of her would be unconvincing to the viewers as the effects were far too subtly-wubtly and no one could see any real difference at alley walley:
Jill F thought the cream was like hello amayzing and something she could easily slot into her simple daily routine of 760 products. She said that her Larry had mentioned that her lips were just ever so slightly fuller since using the stuff and that was amayzing and like hello, who wouldn't want fuller lips?
Lulu felt she would like to continue with the cream for a while though she stated that it was nowhere near as good as her own Timebomb range which worked so effectively that she had never considered surgery, botox or fillers. No indeed, she never considered them - she just went ahead and had them. Silly really when you can see from the piccy how good her skin is with products alone:
Charlie B said he couldn't be bothered with the stuff because it had caused such a change in the rate of his beard growth that he was forced to shave 32 times an hour. This, he felt, would interfere with his slow reveal and, indeed, impinge upon his other jobs as teddy fondler and serial killer:
Dale thought the cream was reasonably effective and great value for money, but mentioned that his wife had said he was looking somewhat wooden of late:
Later research showed that the evil genius behind this product was a lunatic by the name of Strangelove
currently being sought by the French National Police:
Add to this the fact that Catherine's old trouble had reasserted itself:
somewhat upsetting her co-workers who insisted upon being issued with expensive equipment to combat the problem:
All this, however, was nothing compared to the main issue vexing Mr QVC at this time. His third favourite niece, 16 year old Delores O'Goldstein, had run away from home with an "undesirable type".
What had happened to the delightful young girl who lived for her hula hoop lessons?
Delores had changed from a wholesome gal
looking forward to marrying her adored sweetheart Twistleton Fosslethwaite:
to a boy mad minx intent on a life of notoriety:
From being an A Grade student she had become nothing more than a
who was
Oh yes, it was a slippery slope from:
to:
She was definitely getting a reputation:
She spent a lot of time on
and decided
After all
As if it wasn't bad enough that she had spurned young Twistleton, Delores took up with the town's bad boys, Marlon Bongo:
and the beautiful, but dangerous, Alan Doolong:
Then before we knew where we were she had met an artist calling himself Pierce Da Vinci:
He told her that he had painted a picture that would rival the Mona Lisa and garner him worldwide fame:
Alas, he was fickle, and Delores brooded mightily when he ran off with an experimental Cubist going through her Blue Period.
Delores tried to console herself in the arms of Pierce's brother, that escapee from Hunk Heaven, Cornelius Clenchednuts:
Cornelius had achieved fame of his own having come 437th out of a group of 437 who had entered the 1973 Mr Universe contest. He was now widely known as an unbeaten champion at Kerplunk. And yet he wasn't enough for Delores, so they parted and he is now to be found canoodling in a chicken shed in Tennesseee with ShoppingTelly.com's very own mrsm.
And then she met Galahad Trusstrain, the third best Charlie Chaplin impersonator in Grimsby:
Galahad felt that once he had perfected his Clark Gable impression:
and indeed his Bogart:
Not to mention his Sinatra:
and his uncannily accurate Elvis:
with perhaps a soupcon of Jagger:
he would achieve fame and fortune everywhere, even as far as Huddersfield.
So the intrepid pair ran away together to seek a new life filled with excitement and adventure.
Mr QVC regretted that he had allowed his niece to spend so much time in the company of her aunt Joan who, perhaps, was not the best role model for a young susceptible girl:
Once more our hero called upon noted Private Eye Muscles O'Malley:
a man with two undeniable abilities:
(a) he could hide in plain sight
(b) he could set off a smoke alarm within 3 seconds of entering a building
and gave him the task of finding young D and bringing her home.
Muscles asked those two notorious gossips, Cissie and Ada, what they had heard and they told him that the word on the street was that Delores had opened a brothel in Burnley catering for geriatric greengrocers hooked on celery.
Mr Q unburdened himself to Julia Roberts and she was as sympathetic as always:
though some old geezer she was with, Phil something or other, pointed in the direction he felt a rebellious runaway would go:
Julia had of late been a mite irritable and apt to remind people of her glamorous past:
One of her recent spats with her producer left him in a brief coma and led to her arrest and incarceration:
Since that time, though, Julia had turned things around. She had dieted assiduously and was now, apparently, a size small, though she certainly never mentioned the fact to a single soul. Add to that her experiments with Ali's controversial cream and I must say we all felt there had been the teensiest of changes though we were darned if we could fathom what they were:
Meanwhile our terrible twosome were travelling from place to place and getting very bored of it. If only Delores had known that her beloved piggywig, Peppermint, had gone into a steep decline and positively refused to wear her wellybobs, even in the most inclement weather:
Against all advice, Peppermint had decided to look for her mistress herself, the brave wee toots:
Delores told Galahad that she was tired of moving from motel to motel, even if Crossroads, their current one, was a 5 star establishment, or at least it would be if the walls didn't wobble so much. She had also become firm friends with a lady going by the name of Miss Diane, and an awfully bright chap called Benny:
Miss Diane told Galahad that the circus was in town and mentioned there were bound to be jobs for 2 aspiring showbiz artistes.
So it was that 3 months later, Muscles, acting on a tip from Michael Di Cesare:
who had spotted Delores as one half of the Flying Fontainbleus, a sighting confirmed by his friend Liberace Pettigrew:
now sadly on the run himself after popping up in an episode of the FBI's Most Wanted...
Muscles went to Corby's Cornucopia of Circus Delights to ascertain the facts of the matter.
Following a brief, but tense, meeting with Gertrude Gethsemane and her Mongolian Death Worm, Bert:
and a most enlightening chat with the delightful Madame Delait:
not to mention the very helpful Humperdinck Bartholomew and his charming and, indeed, flexible wife Florence:
a few minutes with the Gluckson Twins who were so alike you simply couldn't tell them apart:
Muscles tracked his quarry who were dazzling the crowds with their daring feats on the Flying Trapeze:
It seemed that trapeze artist Olga Whooshwhizz
in return for a lifetime supply of Slim 'n' Lift had taught our pair everything she knew. And she had then insisted on teaching them the arcane skills of the aerial specialist.
Galahad earned some extra cash by filling in for the resident clown, Coco Popsicles when Coco went off on one of his week long boozing binges:
Our adventurous duo agreed to return to QVC Towers. Delores was quite relieved to do so as her exploits on the trapeze were playing havoc with the gussets of her Breezies knickers.
Mr QVC was overjoyed to see Delores again, and far from being angry about her time at the circus, he delightedly confessed that his grandfather had been none other than Darwin Dexter, the most successful bare-knuckle fighter of the Edwardian era:
It was clear that showbiz blood flowed, though in somewhat tributary fashion, through the QVC veins.
This has been another "For You" production smuggled from the secure wing of Shady Pines Home for the Terminally Bewildered.
You'll be thrilled to know that Professor Helmholz, his dog Hrolf, and his manservant Hrolf, are confident that my skills in the basket weaving class, along with my new found interest in macrame, will lead to a complete reversal of my condition.
I have, indeed, been working with Helmholz on his groundbreaking treatise Psychosis Before Lunch: Could Carbohydrates Be The Answer? The idea came to him when he noticed I was calmer on my Dolmio days, though I was quick to point out to him that other accompaniments to pasta are available.
