I
iclaudipuss
Guest Shopper
It all began when the CEO of QVC started making impossible demands of his wife:
What had happened to make this once amenable man so difficult to live with?
Little did Mrs QVC know that her beloved had been caught in a compromising position with Tova. Once the aesthetician had done his work on the lady, there was the subtlest of differences in her appearance
No one could work out what had changed. Was it a new wig? Anyway, Mr QVC fell in love. He planned to host a Birthday party for the lovely T, and the only troubling moment came when the Yankee Candles Rep. seemed a mite perturbed at the potential fire hazard of so many candles on one cake. Apparently, there could be as many as 26...
Tova and her new paramour enjoyed many romantic moments:
and though they tried to part, it was no use - their love was just too strong:
Whenever our hero tried to break off the affair, he was deeply troubled. If he wasn't worrying about yet another epilator TSV, he was fretting about the winsome T:
Naturally, the CEO's wife, a glamorous lady herself, wondered what more she could do to win her husband back:
They had, after all, always enjoyed a harmonious relationship:
She consulted experts, she consulted her horoscope, but it was no use. In the end she took to reading the entrails of birds and mixing in dubious company:
She employed an Agency and had him watched:
Agent Lindbergh spied from above:
Agent Monroe was in disguise on the ground:
Agent Mousecapade followed the couple on their frequent cruises:
Agent Tabster subtly tailed them when they were sailing on young Ernie's yacht:
Mr Q was followed by spies as he picked up his cornflakes in that hush hush place, the supermarket, on that dreaded, never mentioned, shush, the high street:
He was even spied on whilst testing the new Cook's Essentials Spit-Free Frying Pan:
Those wonderful agents exhausted themselves:
Mrs Q became more anxious and pondered a solution:
She decided if she couldn't have him, no one would.
She approached the Professionals, (no, not Bodie and Doyle):
Then one dark and sinister night, not very far from QVC Towers, our hero disappeared:
Was it an unfortunate boating incident?
Was it a tragic accident?
Was it one of those increasingly common mermaid/dolphin drowning scenarios?
Did he come unstuck playing a game of cat and mouse?
Or was he, in fact, caught embezzling from QVC Towers and then secreted out of the country by our Tove and Ernie who, after all, drove the fastest milkcart in the west?
We were all glued to the News awaiting further developments. Um, the News is still on after Tom & Jerry, isn't it?
Next thing we heard, there'd been mass arrests and virtually every QVC presenter was in custody. Naturally, I was called to the station at once, being the trusted therapist and confidante employed by these gifted people:
Well, what a commotion!
Now, some people look very different off-screen, but you would recognise Charlie anywhere:
Whilst he was answering a couple of questions, we all went off and watched Doctor Zhivago and a 9 box set of The World At War.
Julia had been arrested whilst behaving suspiciously during the course of an afternoon drive:
She did not quietly accept the circumstances of her arrest and used her pilates honed muscles to cause a bit of a fracas:
She finally calmed down when she was assured that her prison uniform would be a size Small.
Glen was perturbed by the fact that he had been arrested for wearing clothes likely to cause a disturbance of the peace. It was feared that people would riot and beat him about the head with one of his Birkenstocks. He tried to explain this season's story to the attending officers, but they seemed unwilling to commit themselves to an on-trend trouser, and positively guffawed at the idea that pink is the new black, especially in a little cardigan:
Ali Young was literally furious that she had not had time to drag a brush through her actual hair area and had, apparently, been forced to forego her actual moisturiser for an actual hour, literally, before she was brought to the actual station.
She insisted that Andrew Bagley be summoned to deal with her actual Melatogenine crisis, literally, and would not give any actual statements until he, Philip Kingsley and Michael Di Cesare came to her actual, literal aid. For you.
I must say, Andrew looked a mite more lined than he does on the telly - must be the smoking:
Michael Di Cesare's hair was as wonderful as ever, though perhaps lacking the volume and bounce the viewer is used to:
Philip Kingsley insisted on elasticizing his hair before he made an appearance:
But once he'd done that he was ready to deal with the crisis confronting us:
Craig was in fighting mood as he'd been torn away from sniffing his latest Yankee Candle, just after using his Oreck cleaner, and folding his Northern Nights sheets. Earlier he had cooked up a gourmet delight with his Cook's Essentials, and was ready for a tasty EX-presso made with his Illy machine and a relaxing listen to his Bose Music System whilst fiddling with his Acer Laptop, switching off his Tiffany lamps, making sure he was stocked up with Liz Earle's Men's face Scrub, and hanging up his clothes with his Grip To Me Slip Resistant set of 30 hangers. No wonder the man was tetchy. It took the Police 3 hours to navigate their way through his bijou, yet cluttered, flat.
The lovely Julian looked a touch the worse for wear as he'd just come from his second job selling Wagon Wheels and crisps outside Old Trafford Football Ground. He had just finished telling me about his mum's yorkshire pudding when he was called to give a statement. The last thing I heard him say was: "You see, Officer, my old gran used to say..."
Jill Franks was as girly as ever:
and settled in well once the preliminaries were over:
Richard Jackson was under the impression that he was in custody for growing provocatively shaped vegetables:
and I must say he looked a trifle nervous at the prospect of being strip-searched:
Catherine said she would tell the Police everything they needed to know, but only after she had Tweeted. I must say the atmosphere was a little bit pungent once she had done so:
It was nice to see that some other well-known faces came along to show their support. Lenny Feinberg took the time to explain to an Officer that: "A great trouser that works for the office as well as casual makes a lady feel like a lady..." And I could see the chap was impressed:
Dennis Basso turned up in his latest creation which is, apparently, to be his next TSV. Mmmm, tasteful:
The station was so warm, however, that he removed a few items of clothing, sat down, and made himself comfortable whilst waiting to give his opinion:
An Austrian lawyer, Arnie something or other, arrived on the scene:
He advised the suspects to cause problems if told they must line up for an identity parade:
However, something told me he was not sanguine about their chances when I saw 2 of his employees readying themselves for a mass breakout of jail:
I must say Tiddles, the station cat, was worn out by the proceedings, as were we all:
All the suspects were forced to ponder what had happened to their Boss.
Was it just:
Was it a classic case of a woman scorned?
Was it simply the element of surprise?
Well, our noble suspects were released without charge, though suspicion hangs over them still.
Mrs QVC has found happiness again and Gone With The Wind-ow Cleaner:
even though this has caused some neighbourhood gossip:
So, as the Bard said, All's Well That Ends Well, and Julia, rejoicing in her freedom, has glammed herself up and is ready to party, (and her with her dancer's instep...)
All together now:
The above is a work of fiction and any resemblance to anybody at QVC Towers is purely intentional.
From your correspondent currently residing in a lovely, high security institution, and wearing a marvelous new Centigrade jacket.
What had happened to make this once amenable man so difficult to live with?
Little did Mrs QVC know that her beloved had been caught in a compromising position with Tova. Once the aesthetician had done his work on the lady, there was the subtlest of differences in her appearance
No one could work out what had changed. Was it a new wig? Anyway, Mr QVC fell in love. He planned to host a Birthday party for the lovely T, and the only troubling moment came when the Yankee Candles Rep. seemed a mite perturbed at the potential fire hazard of so many candles on one cake. Apparently, there could be as many as 26...
Tova and her new paramour enjoyed many romantic moments:
and though they tried to part, it was no use - their love was just too strong:
Whenever our hero tried to break off the affair, he was deeply troubled. If he wasn't worrying about yet another epilator TSV, he was fretting about the winsome T:
Naturally, the CEO's wife, a glamorous lady herself, wondered what more she could do to win her husband back:
They had, after all, always enjoyed a harmonious relationship:
She consulted experts, she consulted her horoscope, but it was no use. In the end she took to reading the entrails of birds and mixing in dubious company:
She employed an Agency and had him watched:
Agent Lindbergh spied from above:
Agent Monroe was in disguise on the ground:
Agent Mousecapade followed the couple on their frequent cruises:
Agent Tabster subtly tailed them when they were sailing on young Ernie's yacht:
Mr Q was followed by spies as he picked up his cornflakes in that hush hush place, the supermarket, on that dreaded, never mentioned, shush, the high street:
He was even spied on whilst testing the new Cook's Essentials Spit-Free Frying Pan:
Those wonderful agents exhausted themselves:
Mrs Q became more anxious and pondered a solution:
She decided if she couldn't have him, no one would.
She approached the Professionals, (no, not Bodie and Doyle):
Then one dark and sinister night, not very far from QVC Towers, our hero disappeared:
Was it an unfortunate boating incident?
Was it a tragic accident?
Was it one of those increasingly common mermaid/dolphin drowning scenarios?
Did he come unstuck playing a game of cat and mouse?
Or was he, in fact, caught embezzling from QVC Towers and then secreted out of the country by our Tove and Ernie who, after all, drove the fastest milkcart in the west?
We were all glued to the News awaiting further developments. Um, the News is still on after Tom & Jerry, isn't it?
Next thing we heard, there'd been mass arrests and virtually every QVC presenter was in custody. Naturally, I was called to the station at once, being the trusted therapist and confidante employed by these gifted people:
Well, what a commotion!
Now, some people look very different off-screen, but you would recognise Charlie anywhere:
Whilst he was answering a couple of questions, we all went off and watched Doctor Zhivago and a 9 box set of The World At War.
Julia had been arrested whilst behaving suspiciously during the course of an afternoon drive:
She did not quietly accept the circumstances of her arrest and used her pilates honed muscles to cause a bit of a fracas:
She finally calmed down when she was assured that her prison uniform would be a size Small.
Glen was perturbed by the fact that he had been arrested for wearing clothes likely to cause a disturbance of the peace. It was feared that people would riot and beat him about the head with one of his Birkenstocks. He tried to explain this season's story to the attending officers, but they seemed unwilling to commit themselves to an on-trend trouser, and positively guffawed at the idea that pink is the new black, especially in a little cardigan:
Ali Young was literally furious that she had not had time to drag a brush through her actual hair area and had, apparently, been forced to forego her actual moisturiser for an actual hour, literally, before she was brought to the actual station.
She insisted that Andrew Bagley be summoned to deal with her actual Melatogenine crisis, literally, and would not give any actual statements until he, Philip Kingsley and Michael Di Cesare came to her actual, literal aid. For you.
I must say, Andrew looked a mite more lined than he does on the telly - must be the smoking:
Michael Di Cesare's hair was as wonderful as ever, though perhaps lacking the volume and bounce the viewer is used to:
Philip Kingsley insisted on elasticizing his hair before he made an appearance:
But once he'd done that he was ready to deal with the crisis confronting us:
Craig was in fighting mood as he'd been torn away from sniffing his latest Yankee Candle, just after using his Oreck cleaner, and folding his Northern Nights sheets. Earlier he had cooked up a gourmet delight with his Cook's Essentials, and was ready for a tasty EX-presso made with his Illy machine and a relaxing listen to his Bose Music System whilst fiddling with his Acer Laptop, switching off his Tiffany lamps, making sure he was stocked up with Liz Earle's Men's face Scrub, and hanging up his clothes with his Grip To Me Slip Resistant set of 30 hangers. No wonder the man was tetchy. It took the Police 3 hours to navigate their way through his bijou, yet cluttered, flat.
The lovely Julian looked a touch the worse for wear as he'd just come from his second job selling Wagon Wheels and crisps outside Old Trafford Football Ground. He had just finished telling me about his mum's yorkshire pudding when he was called to give a statement. The last thing I heard him say was: "You see, Officer, my old gran used to say..."
Jill Franks was as girly as ever:
and settled in well once the preliminaries were over:
Richard Jackson was under the impression that he was in custody for growing provocatively shaped vegetables:
and I must say he looked a trifle nervous at the prospect of being strip-searched:
Catherine said she would tell the Police everything they needed to know, but only after she had Tweeted. I must say the atmosphere was a little bit pungent once she had done so:
It was nice to see that some other well-known faces came along to show their support. Lenny Feinberg took the time to explain to an Officer that: "A great trouser that works for the office as well as casual makes a lady feel like a lady..." And I could see the chap was impressed:
Dennis Basso turned up in his latest creation which is, apparently, to be his next TSV. Mmmm, tasteful:
The station was so warm, however, that he removed a few items of clothing, sat down, and made himself comfortable whilst waiting to give his opinion:
An Austrian lawyer, Arnie something or other, arrived on the scene:
He advised the suspects to cause problems if told they must line up for an identity parade:
However, something told me he was not sanguine about their chances when I saw 2 of his employees readying themselves for a mass breakout of jail:
I must say Tiddles, the station cat, was worn out by the proceedings, as were we all:
All the suspects were forced to ponder what had happened to their Boss.
Was it just:
Was it a classic case of a woman scorned?
Was it simply the element of surprise?
Well, our noble suspects were released without charge, though suspicion hangs over them still.
Mrs QVC has found happiness again and Gone With The Wind-ow Cleaner:
even though this has caused some neighbourhood gossip:
So, as the Bard said, All's Well That Ends Well, and Julia, rejoicing in her freedom, has glammed herself up and is ready to party, (and her with her dancer's instep...)
All together now:
The above is a work of fiction and any resemblance to anybody at QVC Towers is purely intentional.
From your correspondent currently residing in a lovely, high security institution, and wearing a marvelous new Centigrade jacket.
