The Show Must Go On Says Tova
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WhyMe?
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No, bereavement is hard no matter the age - to lose a parent even in advanced years is still acutely painful... those people that offer platitudes like 'he had a good innings', 'he was a good age' or whatever just insult those that are left behind to deal with the loss.
Sorry - but this touched a raw nerve with me having recently lost my elderly mother - we all know that the day will come but it doesn't make it any easier when it arrives!
Ballerina
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Hi janie,
I was sad to read your post. It must be very hard for you to lose your Mum, I am so lucky that I have not had that experience yet. I think as others have said, take your time to grieve and don't expect too much of yourself. There is no set time limit that you have be "back to normal" within.
Love & hugs,
inge xx
I was sad to read your post. It must be very hard for you to lose your Mum, I am so lucky that I have not had that experience yet. I think as others have said, take your time to grieve and don't expect too much of yourself. There is no set time limit that you have be "back to normal" within.
Love & hugs,
inge xx
V
Vienna
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One size doesn`t fit all when it comes to bereavement does it ? There`s no right way or wrong way to deal with it and until it happens we can all but surmise how we will feel and react. Sometimes people you expect to be stoical or strong, simply aren`t and sometimes the people you expect to fall apart come up trumps and there isn`t a slide rule in life to say well X amount of time off work is right and doing X, Y or Z is what you should be doing. We are what we are and deal with it as we do.
There`s no right age to lose somebody, losing a parent or partner at whatever age is still a loss, a big loss and people pass away in many different ways, all of which affect those left behind differently. Some pass away peacefully in their sleep, some after a long illness, some suddenly and some in a tragic way. At possibly the worst moment of your life you may have to deal with post mortems or inquests, sorting out finances, dealing with your bereaved children who need you to be strong when all you want to be is cared for and all the other institutions as well as the practialities of life.
Often those left behind are exhausted after weeks or months or even years of caring for someone or sometimes in a state of total shock or traumatised at how, when and where the death happened. But no matter how it happens, to who it happens and however they deal with it, none of us can say well i would do this or i would do that because until it happens to YOU then you simply won`t know.
I turned into a complete workaholic, it kept me busy, stopped me thinking and meant I didn`t return to an empty house until one day post traumatic shock hit me like a bolt from the blue and decked me. I`d returned work asap and got on with coping, or so i thought. Sometimes we feel grieving is wrong and we fight it but in the end it`s a natural process which we shouldn`t fight for the sake of a stiff upper lip because it isn`t going away anytime soon. We should give ourselves permission to mourn as we choose, in whatever way we choose for as long as we choose until we fully heal, that way it won`t ressurect itself and bite you on the bum when you least expect it !
There`s no right age to lose somebody, losing a parent or partner at whatever age is still a loss, a big loss and people pass away in many different ways, all of which affect those left behind differently. Some pass away peacefully in their sleep, some after a long illness, some suddenly and some in a tragic way. At possibly the worst moment of your life you may have to deal with post mortems or inquests, sorting out finances, dealing with your bereaved children who need you to be strong when all you want to be is cared for and all the other institutions as well as the practialities of life.
Often those left behind are exhausted after weeks or months or even years of caring for someone or sometimes in a state of total shock or traumatised at how, when and where the death happened. But no matter how it happens, to who it happens and however they deal with it, none of us can say well i would do this or i would do that because until it happens to YOU then you simply won`t know.
I turned into a complete workaholic, it kept me busy, stopped me thinking and meant I didn`t return to an empty house until one day post traumatic shock hit me like a bolt from the blue and decked me. I`d returned work asap and got on with coping, or so i thought. Sometimes we feel grieving is wrong and we fight it but in the end it`s a natural process which we shouldn`t fight for the sake of a stiff upper lip because it isn`t going away anytime soon. We should give ourselves permission to mourn as we choose, in whatever way we choose for as long as we choose until we fully heal, that way it won`t ressurect itself and bite you on the bum when you least expect it !
Dame Fondacox
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Identical scenario to my member of staff - what made it even worse was that she was away for the weekend with their daughter, on a Christmas shopping trip. Her 53 year old, hitherto fit and healthy husband, was found dead at home when a neighbour noticed that the lights had been on through the day, for two consecutive days and called the police when he didn't get an answer.
Loveinamist
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I lost my mum year last April suddenly at 92. I still can't look at pictures of her. Only now am I able to remember the younger version of mum as her frailty of the last years of her life were hard to accept. Mums are supposed to be invincible, a childish thought but one that doesn't leave you just because you become an adult.
Dame Fondacox
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LOL at Tova admonishing Jill Franks for using the word 'smellivision' and telling her it 'sounds so plebian' :grin:
kitten_with_claws
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Oh dear, I wish she hadn't - JF might stop calling everything 'infamous' & 'kitsch' & start using that instead, thinking it means 'clever' or 'cute & fluffy' or something......! :doh:
Dame Fondacox
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'Gifts for plebs' and 'we've got the pleb season coming up'.
exactly liam - somewhere in my grief i feel indignant (tears as i type now) - it doesn't matter that i'm 60. i want my mum
Couldn't agree more...
Lost my mum last year and I agree with all of you - I'm 57 and same as you I want my mum too. Of course we don't want to see our parents suffer but it's so strange to be without them. I wish you all comfort and lovely memories x
exactly liam - somewhere in my grief i feel indignant (tears as i type now) - it doesn't matter that i'm 60. i want my mum
Lost my mum last year and I agree with all of you - I'm 57 and same as you I want my mum too. Of course we don't want to see our parents suffer but it's so strange to be without them. I wish you all comfort and lovely memories x
Pinkpussycat
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Thread: The Show Must Go On Says Tova
Well of course it must...there's money to be made.
Well of course it must...there's money to be made.
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When I managed staff I would give them 2 weeks paid compassionate leave after a close family death and then call them half-way through the second week to see how they were. On a couple of occasions I extended by a couple of days.
Was I a soft touch or did I have staff who appreciated how I helped them when "real-life" knocked them for 6 ?. They were marvellous when I lost my dad, they ran the place themselves for a couple of weeks.
Was I a soft touch or did I have staff who appreciated how I helped them when "real-life" knocked them for 6 ?. They were marvellous when I lost my dad, they ran the place themselves for a couple of weeks.
I concur 100% BB. Most of us have suffered a bereavement of a close family member, some of us in multiples, and work can be therapeutic, something else to focus on. In such a situation, however, I have found that one does not want one's mind diverted from the loss so, to have to go to work and execute one's commmitments is a positive thing. I was extremely close to my brother who was an ill guy but, when he passed, I think I got a couple of days. Having to return to work DID help me. I don't have kids so have never taken leave of any kind - maternity, paternity, for illness etc. Tova could afford to pack the whole thing in, so I for one admire her for carrying on. My utmost respect and empathy go to her.
I don't think it would be easier losing a loved one just because they are older, in fact quite the opposite. Tova spent a long time with Ernie. All that time...more memories...more time invested in each other. Now she doesn't have him any more - Just the memories. The memories will be of some comfort, but may also make it more difficult in some way. Tova does seem like a nice person. She embodies the very essence of sophistication and self-control. I am sure that away from the limelight she is also a nice person, but in private must feel so heartbroken. I wish her every support that she can get through this. I know what it's like to lose someone. I lost all of my family 8 years ago when I was 21. I was working for a bank and hated it. I felt so alone, and when I got home I didn't have the energy to do anything. I let myself go. My flat looked a mess. Then one day, 2 years later I was walking through Queens Park in Brighton when the sun came out. At that moment I realised that I had been walking through that park every day for the last 2 years and had not realised how beautiful it was. My mind had been so numb, and it was on that day that it defrosted and life switched back on again. These things do take time. Bless you Tova. Peace and strength be with you.
I have never been married (still hoping in my 40's) I cant even begin to imagine the utter pain of the loss of a DH or DW. My heart goes out to everyone who has braved through this.
I needed therapy when I lost my cat, Fluffybum, which is probably nothing in comparison
I needed therapy when I lost my cat, Fluffybum, which is probably nothing in comparison
