The Shopping Devil's Dictionary

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Gizzy

Registered Shopper
Joined
Feb 19, 2011
Messages
89
Hello everyone! I've been lurking around this forum for a while and I've finally decided to join. I wasn't sure where to post this since it's about shopping channels in general and not just QVC. If this thread is in the wrong place, I apologise.

One thing I've noticed with shopping channels is that they can be very confusing. All the presenters keep spouting off jargon and even words we thought we knew take on totally different meanings. It's like they speak another language! Fortunately, I am compiling a dictionary to help shoppers understand these mystifying words and phrases commonly used in the teleshopping world. I hope this helps.

bargains (plural noun): the low prices you get on goods, provided you ignore the p&p, monthly subscription charges, the cost of the phone call etc.

exclusive (adjective): 1) widely available elsewhere, usually cheaper. 2) only available from that particular channel since they are the only ones who are willing to sell it.

trendy (adjective): popular in the neolithic age.

rare (adjective): so hard to find that they can generally only be sold about once every ten minutes. Usually used to describe gemstones. Note: the addition of multiple "rare"s tends to decrease the time intervals between sales. For example, an item described as "rare rare" can only be sold every five minutes and "rare rare rare" means "We could sell nothing but this item for a whole year and still not get rid of a quarter of our stocks".

High Street (proper noun): the 7th circle of Hell. This place is responsible for all the death, disease, societal breakdown, decay and diarrhoea in the world. Avoid at all costs.

flattering: 1) (verb) praising insincerely. 2) (adjective) of clothing, tends to cling to all the unwanted lumps and bumps on your body.

celebrity (noun): 1) famous people whose talent in one area (eg. singing, acting, playing sport or doing nothing in particular) therefore makes them experts in everything else, from dermatology to saving money. 2) spiritually advanced beings who us mere mortals have to imitate in every aspect of our lives in order to achieve true happiness.

Well there you go. Feel free to add your own entries and together we can crack the secret code of shopping television (or at least have a laugh along the way). Have fun! :devil:
 
Aww! Thanks a lot for the welcomes everyone. I feel that I'm really going to like it here! :sun:

Anyway, I've got a couple more for you:

prestigious (adjective): in beauty, works just as well as cheaper products but costs much more.

germs (plural noun): harmful microbes found only on the dreaded High Street. Such germs are never found on teleshopping products since they are all lovingly irradiated, steam cleaned and dipped in bleach before being sent out to customers.

plus-size: 1) (adjective) of clothing, anything larger than a size 12. 2) a title given to anyone who wears anything larger than a size 12. This title must always be used when mentioning said person, even in passing.

all-natural (adjective): containing a trace amount of plant juice or animal byproducts.

heirloom piece (noun): a piece of jewelery that can be passed on to future generations assuming it survives the first few weeks.

solitaire (adjective) : occuring in groups of at least two. See also: single figures.

Paraiba (adjective, proper noun): a brightly coloured variety of tourmaline named after a Brazilian state. This term can also be used for gems which are not brightly coloured or tourmaline.

weight loss (noun): a reduction in mass that can be achieved simply by using (insert product here) for 5 minutes a day. Results not typical. (insert product here) can only help with weight loss in conjunction with a calorie controlled diet and proper exercize. See also: six pack, washboard abs, sexy waistline.

screaming (verb): pitching your product using an extremely loud voice, as though volume can dispell any doubts the potential customer has about the item on sale. Remember, loud= right.

mania (noun): a hyper excited state of mind that can be induced in presenters by showing them the final price of an item. Symptoms include screaming, rapid heartbeat, hyperactivity, inability to keep still, urging customers to buy and nausea and hearing loss in customers. See also: hysteria.
 
Welcome Gizzy! more of your observations please!

Thank you very much! :happy: Here 'ya go!

sale (noun): a time limited event where jewelry is sold for a higher price than before. See also: clearance.

Christmas (proper noun): a popular winter holiday (there are other winter holidays too) that lasts from early June until late December.

Valentines' Day (proper noun): a chance to shower your loved ones in gifts to make up for your indifference the rest of the year. Ideal Valentines' Day gifts include diamonds, meteorites and steam cleaners.

kaftan (noun): a loose item of ladies' clothing that can also be used as a makeshift tent while camping.

starting price (noun): a random but high figure pulled out of the seller's backside in order to trick customers into thinking they're getting a bargain.

falling auction (noun): a type of auction where buyers control the price an item goes for, so long as it's not lower than the price the auctioneer decides beforehand.

disaster (noun): bad things that happen when you don't buy teleshopping products.
These bad things include, but are not limited to: aging of the skin, wrinkles, weight gain, wasted money, messy kitchens, carpet stains, being unfashionable, loss of colour vision, inability to do even the simplest of tasks and the appearence of big red "x"s every time you screw up simple tasks.

botox (noun): the real reason for the miraculous effects of anti aging face creams.
 
hi there Gizzy, welcome aboard. Great posts, made me laugh out loud. How about "iconic"? which they use very loosly to describe any old bit of tat\beauty product\style of "fashion". Would love to hear your definition
 
Hi Gizzy, welcome!

How about -

considered purchase (adjective) Bloomin' expensive

diamonique (proper noun) CZ by another name but must never be referred to as such on air

don't buy this if you're under 40, 30 etc.... (phrase) Aren't we your friends? We're not really here to sell, sell, sell. Attempt to lull viewers into false sense of security
 
hi there Gizzy, welcome aboard. Great posts, made me laugh out loud. How about "iconic"? which they use very loosly to describe any old bit of tat\beauty product\style of "fashion". Would love to hear your definition

OK, I'll give it a shot...

iconic (adjective): 1) designed to cash in on some short lived fad that will probably be forgotten or reviled in a week's time. 2) a usually vague knock-off of something that some celebrity (usually z-list) has worn or used some time in their life. The fact that it was worn/used by a celebrity (no matter how minor) should override any concerns about the quality of the item...right?

Thanks for your entries, lesa60. I love the "considered purchase" one. Spot on!:grin:

Here's some more...

accent diamonds (plural noun): tiny fragments of grit added to jewelery. Their purpose is unknown.

retro (adjective): of fashion, really should have been left in the past.

high thread count (phrase): of fabric, tends to wrinkle easily.

statement piece (noun): a very large, gaudy piece of jewelery that requires the strength of Hercules to wear.

high tech (adjective): 1) obsolete. 2) will probably be used only once or not at all.

Once again, thanks to everyone for the warm welcome! Once I think of some more, I'll add 'em here. :happy:
 
Tee hee!! I'm guessing with that spiel you're an Estate Agent Gizzy (did I really give them capital letters)? If not, then maybe you should be! :happy:
 
you are very funny Gizzy, shrieked aloud at "Statment Piece" I always think this has a double meaning as in "when you see your bank statement you will wonder what posssed you to waste so much money"
 
An alternative:
considered purchase: HOW MUCH?????

toeposts: naff articles of footwear permanently attached to the legs of one Ms JR

Karchers: 1/4 of the total contents of the Ideal World warehouse
Flyflots: See Karchers
Kaftans: See Karchers
Slinky: See Karchers
 
Last edited:
An alternative:
considered purchase: HOW MUCH?????

toeposts: naff articles of footwear permanently attached to the legs of one Ms JR

Karchers: 1/4 of the total contents of the Ideal World warehouse
Flyflots: See Karchers
Kaftans: See Karchers
Slinky: See Karchers

Good 'uns! Don't get me started on toe posts. I swear they must have been invented as some sort of torture device. They irritate my feet no end!

@ silversequin: Glad you liked it. I like your alternative meaning as well. I guess Dolly Parton (I think it was her anyway) was right when she said how expensive it is to look so cheap!

Here's even more:

investment (noun): a very expensive item that will lose value the minute you get it, if not sooner.

delusion (noun): a false belief. Some common shopping channel delusions include:
1) The belief that their clothing/jewelery is trendy, even stylish. 2) The belief that their products are good value for money. 3) The belief that the rich and famous would even think of buying stuff from them. 4) The belief that their clothing/jewelery could easily compete with creations of the finest fashion houses and jewelery designers in the world.
Note: it can be difficult to tell if the presenters honestly believe these things or are just saying them hoping it will entice more buyers.

philosophy (noun): a series of platitudes designed to extract cash from well meaning, but somewhat naive customers. These philosophies are usually ditched when the product manufacturer finds a way to make even more money. Not to be confused with a branded skin care range of the same name.

refund (noun): a return of funds to the buyer's bank account due to faulty or unsuitable goods. Such events are incredibly uncommon and generally happen at only a fraction of the speed it takes for sellers to take their payment.

exciting (adjective): as thrilling as watching jelly set.

literally (adverb): a filler word that has no meaning. Only used when you have nothing better to say. See also: actual.
 

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