JR writing a book

[margaret43]

Liz Earle (MBE)! "Ahah", Liz muttered, "so it's true then. If diffused lighting is good enough for me, why not her? Wait till I inform the Green Beauty Bible. That'll be the end of Time Bomb, once and for all." And with that, Liz Earle (MBE) flounced off down the corridor, with her posse of devoted hangers on hanging on to her every word .....

 

[LE lover]

"No wait Liz" cried Julia, i'm sure we can come to some arrangement, i've just run out of C&P" Lady Liz was having none of it. She grabbed her Aloe Vera plant and marched off mumbling "wait until Jo Fairley hears about this."
Ali Young smiled to herself. She had never liked Liz and without her she would be free to have Andrew Bagley on more often.
Debbie was desperate, she'd only just managed to get her job back, was she about to lose everything again and have to go back to presenting shows for the under fives.
Julia shook Debbie, looked her in the eye and said " pull yourself together, come on we don't need the others we're the queen Bees round here, i say we go for it" They ran down the corridor but Julia's flip flop got caught and she landed at the feet of .........

 

[Artemis]

that nice lady from Van-Dal....
Meanwhile, deep in the bowels of QVC Towers, the absence of the board of directors was explained. Behind a door marked Claire Sutton's school for Improvement, the directors rolled around the floor in supersize nappies and short frilly dresses, sucking their thumbs.Miss Claire, wearing a frown and a rubber corset was spanking an adult 'baby' whilst gently lisping "Who has been a very naughty-waughty boy. Mummy Claire is very cross with you, now go and stand in the corner..."
She fished a vibrating mobile phone from out of her pillowy bosom. The text read.........

 

[LE lover]

claire you cutesy wutesy little devil meet me in our secret place, make sure you wear your best breezies. Don't forget it's our likkle ickle secret. love from .....

 

[Artemis]

....your special naughty little boy xxxx
Hurriedly donning a Carol Hochman wrap, she bounded eagerly up the stairs. As she gazed upwards she could see a pair of sensible patent, extra-wide court shoes pointing towards a pair of steel-tipped stillettos and some flip-flops. She tried to duck out of sight but.........

 

[LE lover]

Julia and Debbie appeared at the door looking like the ugly sisters. They looked at each other and smiled broadly, their plan was starting to come to fruition not only did they have the Lulu story that was bound to make the press, bearing im mind all the fuss that had been made about twiggy and her face cream, but they could now blackmail baby waby claire and ...

 

[Artemis]

...her ageing Lothario. Julia looked relaxed, a beatific smile hovered on her lips "Ahhhh Debs" she sighed "these extra-wide peeptoe sandals with the bunion extensions are just bliss, I wish I'd taken Helen's advice before now."
As Claire squared up to Julia and Debs, they were all distracted by what sounded like a flock of ducks. Around the corner, shoulder to shoulder marched a posse of terrifying women wearing gaudy uniforms featuring flamingos, starfish, puppies and the like and terry headbands worn low over the brow. A deafening cacophany of quacks emanated from their mouthpieces. "Oh Lordy" breathed Debbie, it's.........

 

[LE lover]

"me Debbie quack quack Greenwood." She had her quacker squeaker in her sweaty hand. When she realised the quacker factory lady wasn't looking, she tossed it aside on the floor, and started to weep. "I used to be a beauty queen you know" she sighed "Now look at me i'm reduced to selling T shirts with bloomin animals on"
Julia trying to get one better, retorted "well i used to star with Brucie on the price is right"
"Did he give you a Brucie bonus." cackled Debbie, sounding like she smoked 20 a day. Julia snarled at her "I also starred in Citizen Smith, I'll have you know." With emotions running high was their partnership about to disolve. Suddenly Claire who was standing in her baby doll nightie that barely covered her dancers legs, cried............

 

[barbedwire]

at the top of her lungs 'I worked with Brucie-Wucie too you know...I used to stroke his toupee between takes. You must have worked with him pre-toupee, Julia - what with me being so much more youngery-wongery than you-y woo-y' *giggle*

That was almost too much to bear for the former beauty Queen Debbie and former size small, Julia. With a deft movement they rounded on Claire...but before they had a chance to do anything in walked...

 

[LE lover]

Catherine Huntley, they barely recognised her as her formerly long blonde straight/short brown pudding bowl hair had changed once again. Now in front of them stood a svelte looking Catherine, with yet another hairstyle, This time it was a short blonde bob that had been carefully styled by the Ojon team.
She carefully put down her Lulu Guiness bag that was a treasured possession that she had begged for, from her imaginary best friend Ms Guiness.
She gushed "I also worked with Brucie when i was a dancer, i gave him a five star review you can read it on his website."

This was all to much for the queen Bees, they had to get back to their plan as they felt they were being outshone and pushed aside by their younger and smaller colleagues. They had to gain as much dirt on all the other presenters as they could ,in order for their book and blackmail plot to work. With Lulu's head still in Julia's size small hands, They decided to set their sights on.........

 

[Artemis]

...setting up a rival shopping channel with the hush money. " Oh goody gumdrops" squeaked Claire. We could call it PVC and sell lots of stout aprons for Nannies and panties for my 'boys' to wear over their nappies." Debs felled her with a nifty upper cut to the chin and, head shaking in silent desperation, guided Julia towards the canteen where they could sit and discuss their plans.....

 

[LE lover]

to give qvc a run for their money. But who were they going to poach and take with them?

 

[aragorn0130]

..... "We have to take Julian" said Debbie Foghorn. "His gran is a goldmine if we're going to appeal to a more mature market. She's apparently a looker - she will shift a fair bit of PVC and people will surely be too ashamed to return any they've used, even with a 30 day money back guarantee?". "Hmmmmm" mused Julia. "I think we should take Richard "The Fingers" Jackson. I've always had a soft spot for him and now I'm without Ralph, Denis, and The Basso - I think perhaps I should turn my attention elsewhere. I'm sure I could entice him along to our new channel if I wiggle my size small hips seductively and offer him a look at my giant begonias"........

 

[LE lover]

with that Richard appeared after a long two hour show. His eyes nearly popped out of his head "Julia have you been using my miracle grow, it's been a long time since i've seen begonias like that." Debbie was fuming she pushed out her ample bosom, fixed a steely glare and called for....

 

[Artemis]

...another cappucino and some Thornton's truffles while they debated how they could hang on to the lucrative Kipling account. Julia mused that they needed a special range of tiny clothes for all the neglected size smalls. Debs cattily suggested that they could replace the labels in size large to appease the vanity of larger ladies though she herself wasn't bothered about her ample frame and was especially proud of her ability to demonstrate bracelets on her plumper than average wrists. This did not get the discussions off to a very good start, plus, they were still stuck for a name - one that would encompass their high ideals....

 

[Whatsinaname]

Still clinging to her 15 minutes of fame, Julia shouted "The Price is Right !! - d'you think it's copyrighted?"

Debbie pondered over a Lime Tree Quorn & Veg pie. She couldn't see Lulu Guinness or Kathy van Zeeland going for that name...........

 

[LE lover]

"Oh god we're meant to be on air in a minute" shrieked Julia."quick someone get my purple YBF eyeshadow" They composed themselves. "
I've got it said Julia we'll open up the phone lines and ask the viewers to think up an alternative name."
"Yes but we'll have to sound interested in everything else they say" grumbled Debbie "we've got tons of L'occitaine to shift and i'm not sure we'll have time to take calls, we've got sales targets to reach."
"Oh just follow my lead" smirked Julia as she tossed her elasticized hair, "I'm an expert at pretending to sound interested."
The light on the camera was red and there was a hush around the studio as all you could hear was
"welcome to an hour of L'Occitaine with me Julia Roberts and the lovely Debbie flint" They were taking a gamble. would it pay off.........

 

[silversequin]

Julia began to muse about her youth spent as the Queen of the Midlands in the Queen of the Midlands, the fair city of Nottingham......hmm she pondered, Debbie Steely Flint has something of the fairground barker about her, I recall the way they hawked their wares at the annual Goose Fair. Debbie would have been a natural on the pie and peas stall hollering at passesing trade to sample her wares. AND what about some sort of tie in with Robin Hood, after all the p and p charges were nothing short of criminal. So maybe some sort of Nottingham themed company where she could reminisce about her gilded, golden glory days at the local dancing class while Flinty bellowed at the viewers to cough up their cash. She decieded to start putting a business plan together on her TSV netbook. Powering it up she was momentarily lost in dreams of glory when Flinty suddenly slammed the netbook lid down onto Julia's elegantly manicured (OPI? Leighton Denny? she could never quite remember) nails, screeching in her pretty Dimonique adorned ear "It's all going tits up and we are going to have to...........

 

[aragorn0130]

....."ask Joan Rivers for some business advice. That woman's made a mint out of being insincere and selling tat to the masses. We can learn a thing or two from her Jules". Julia didn't seem keen, she was too busy daydreaming about Slow Hand Charlie. Perhaps if she wrapped herself up and climbed in a box - they could practice a 'slow reveal' together???

 

[donna255]

Find a real superstar to bring the masses to us.

Just then Harald who had been squeezing his enormous sausage into spray painted on red jeans. Wandered passed singing to the air. All woman are beautiful my life is to make them princesses.

My little princesses what is the matter tell Harald I can make you beautiful.