JR writing a book

[LE lover]

"What is that" cried debbie with her eyes out on stalks. "Oh that's just Harald he told me i was a princess". said Julia in a girly voice. " Yeah too bloomin right you're a princess" snapped Debbie.
Sensing there could be a catfight about to erupt in waded....

 

[Choppysocks]

Kathy Taylor, however when she got there she completly forgot why she had come, so turned around and promptly left. Julia gave Debbie a look that would dry her soul (told you I loved that phrase), if Debbie was wise she would leave know, Debbie may have been a one time beauty queen, but Julia was the undisputed queen of QVC, the only other person who may steal the 'Queen' title may be Born Divvy, the 'Queen of craft', but she was no threat to Julia......surely......

 

[brenny]

Far away from the headquarters of the " BEST SHOPPING CHANNEL IN THE WORLD " a pair of nicotined stained hands where sticking a hand crafted hat pin into a suprisingly realistic wax dolly of Miss JR Smalls , Purple Queen of the "Channel".
"That will fix her" came the lazer cut drawl , from within a haze of tobbacco smoke as ......

 

[LE lover]

"You're Julia Roberts, You used to be on the price is right,You used to be big." said Born Divvy
"I am big. It's the the channel that got smaller" replied Julia in her best Norma Desmond voice.
There was a hush around the studio. One brave floor assistant whispered "Did she just say she was big!
There were gasps from everyone. What other secrets would Julia reveal...

 

[Almerinda]

Far away from the headquarters of the " BEST SHOPPING CHANNEL IN THE WORLD " a pair of nicotined stained hands where sticking a hand crafted hat pin into a suprisingly realistic wax dolly of Miss JR Smalls , Purple Queen of the "Channel".
"That will fix her" came the lazer cut drawl , from within a haze of tobbacco smoke as ......

Loen Love, Ideal World's answer best loved presenter, sighed with satisfaction as the hat pin sunk into the wax effigy. "What are you up to Loen?" says her tubby hubby Andy. "I've told you about that before, leave Julia alone why don't ya!". Loen glared at Andy knowing full well that he had a soft spot for JR. "I've caught you watching her in secret, I know that you like those high insteps of hers and that my little trotters turn you off even when I have a French manicure!". Andy looks a bit sheepish. It's true, he does love JR's small feet and as for those flip flops, well they beat Fly Flots any day.

 

[silversequin]

Julia then began to think that a career as a blackmailer would solve her woes. After all she was there the day that QVC was launched, she was there when the first gleam of dimonique twinkled, she was there when Uri Geller nauseated the nation with his reminiscences of his "friend" Michael Jackson. She, Julia knew so much about all the presenters, every little weakness, every little foible, every llittle vice (and the big vices too). "Why waste my time writitng a book when I could start a protection racket" she mused. She pondered for a while (there had been a lot of pondering for out heroine lately) "hmm, who shall I contact first and let them know what I know and who I plan to tell.......I know I'm going to contact............and inform them that their sordid little secret of................is no longer safe, ha, ha, ha" she laughed in a villanous fashion

 

[LE lover]

She sidled her way into charlie's dressing room. "Hi charlie" she said seductively. she laid herself out on his red velvet coach. "may i help you" he said,, he thought he was on a promise so spoke in his well practised slow dulcit tones. "Charlie i have a proposition for you" she purred "it will cost you for me to keep quiet about you and ...........

 

[Almerinda]

What other secrets would Julia reveal...
It was the question on eveyone's lips. Especially those of Anthony Heywood who was due to present the gadgety hour after Julia. For many years Anthony had harboured a secret passion for Julia. Despite taking photos of the goprgeous Ali Rhodes he still yearned to get Julia in front of his wide angle. He would, after all, need it is he was going to fit that magnificent busom in the shot. He sighed and sipped his freshly brewed tea wondering what JR would reveal next. He hurried off to the studio hoping to catch a glimpse of her as she left the studio. Unfortunately she didn't even look at him BUT Debbie Flint most definately did. She had never forgotten the sight of his shapely ankles as he fell backwards over his chair the christmas before. She took a deep breath in order to prove that her chest could match up to JR's any day. Their partnership was not going well, petty jealousy was going to cause trouble and she wasn't sure what to do next.
Just then she heard footsteps and

 

[silversequin]

there was Julia again, bosom cantilevered into a stunning new all acyrilic ensemble which managed to combine the "frivolity and fun" of Quacker fashion with the frenetic embellishment of Indigo Moon garnished\garished by a frisson of Kim and Co. Yes, Glen Campbell had worked his magic again transforming Julia back to her radiant self. He had even forced her to part with her flip flops and wear the very very last pair of Markon boots in stock. After all her petite feet could fit any teeny tiny size. Debbie's steely glare changed into a look of ice, why had she ever considered throwing in her lot with Julia, it was time for them to put their cards on the table and there was going to be no Brucie Bonus this time!! "Julia" hissed Debbie "I've had enough, you are a double crossing cow, I thought that as two mature full breasted lovelies we were alllies and now I see that you have seduced Anthony and..............

 

[LE lover]

"I'm jealous. I have always had a soft spot for little Ant." cried Debbie "I helped him choose his first Northern Nights duvet set and his jelly and ice cream yankee candles for his flat." Julia was unrepentant she laughed and boasted "he's not the only one i've had". Debbie, was distraught surely she hadn't been with her other crush ..........

 

[Almerinda]

that kilt wearing Italian Stallion, Simon Biagi. That really would would be the limit.

 

[silversequin]

"oh I've had him too"smirked Julia, empowered by her make over which had reminded her that she was still all woman "there's something about the name Simon" she added, "I cannot resist a man called after a pieman even though I am a very slender vegetarian" "anyway Flinty me duck (Julia often lapsed into her local dialect when she felt she was winning) I'm a love machine, a goddesss, a beauty with brains and style and I no longer need you in my plans because I am going to reclaim my rightful place as queen at QVC, move yourself and your mammaries cos this girl is going to........."

 

[barbedwire]

'Not Simon Biagi - someone much MUCH hotter than that. He's a pocket dynamo - and has the most enormous tool...' trilled Julia...

Debbie's face fell as the penny dropped...

'Richard JACKSON?' she spat...

'Yes, yes...the very same - the things he doesn't do with that Garden Groom aren't worth knowing about...'

This totally shocking and unexpected news caused...

 

[LE lover]

Debbie to fall to the floor in shock. Could the 50plus Julia really be the star of Britain's NO1 shopping channel. Debbie slowly got up and returned to the green room feeling forlorn. She had been made aware by Julia that she was a long way down the pecking order now. Julia seemed unstoppable in her quest to be qvc queen. Debbie realised she would have to act fast.
In the distance she heard what she thought was a foghorn "Is that you Alison" she asked. As Alison come bounding in ,laden with overpriced beauty products Debbie fixed a stare. Miss Ali we have to stop Julia from taking over. Ali shrieked. "I've got it.........

 

[perdita]

....but a course of Spirulets saw it off..."........

 

[barbedwire]

'Now isn't the time for wisecracks you daft mare...' said Debbie - shooting Ali a steely glare. 'We need to act, and need to act fast to stop naturally size small Julia from taking over QVC and then the world...any tricks up your sleeve?'

'Well, actually...' expectorated Ali 'I literally do have something that might actually, literally help for you. I've been testing out a brand new formula for a very prestigious brand that you can only find in high end pound shops on the high street...it's wildcrafted and handblended by prestigious women in hairnets on a high end, prestigious production line, that literally only operates in every single city of the world. This formula is so potent for you and literally so very very actually expensive and prestigious that you only need to use a ladel full to get any effect on the look of the actual skin area. If we can literally pin her down, tape her gob shut and literally actually apply it to her actual skin area in a large enough amount, we could actually, literally shrink her to an Extra Small size..thus rendering her actual bragging about being an actual size small fruitless and literally making her more or less invisible to the human eye, literally...What do you think, Debs?....'

 

[SusieJ]

"Wow, sounds good to me Ali chuck", replied Debbie. "But how about testing it on me first? Just a little bit, mind you. The camera puts a good 3 stone on me, and I'd love to lose my love handles. Then, who knows, Anthony might look my way. That would teach Queen Julia not to underestimate me."

Ali pondered for a nano second, and came to snap decision....

 

[silversequin]

She would side with Debbie!!! there was something about her voice, style and selllng techniques that reminded Ali of herself. The honking voice, the hard sell, Alison's eyes misted over (surely there was a product for that?), Debbie could become her acolyte, her sidekick, maybe even her slave. "Let's set to work" she cried. " Now Debbbie I expect you came back to the QVC family expecting the acutal literal Waltons and instead you found the actual literal Mitchells, but I am going to make you look so good that Cheryl Cole will resemble an ardvaark next to you, I am going to prescribe my full Alison Young beauty transformation starting with...........

 

[Mrs James]

a trial-sized Betty-go-away

 

[Artemis]

...this is perfect for nurses and teachers and postmistresses and anyone that works shifts , everyone should be literally betty-confident........Now, what can we do next.....