JR writing a book

[Choppysocks]

It was the battery for Jill's iJoyride, "wheeze, thank god you've found it, I've been looking for this for weeks now, wheeze", without haste she pooped in the battery and lept onto the machine, she rode off down the corridor in her Breezies, the sunset glowing through the window, waving her cowboy hat in the air behind her. Dale looked lovingly at her image disapearing before him "there goes the best ride I ever had" he sighed, no-one knew if he was refering to the iJoyride or not........

 

[silversequin]

but a quick swirl, tap and buff with some Bare Essentials restored it to its youthful, glowing glory. "Ali Young taught me all I know, she's harsh and cruel and the things she does with her riding whip defy description even by me the reigning QVC champ of the meaningless superlative" breathed Charlie. Julia began to wonder how much more of these sordid revelations she could take when the buzzing of her mobile alerted her to an incoming text, "Oh please let it be the ever so camp but still cutting edge Simon Wilson" she silently prayed but it was another cursed viewer texting in to say...........

 

[margaret43]

"Congrats on your pregnancy Julia. When are you due?"

 

[Choppysocks]

That was the final straw for Julia, she was a broken woman, she had lost her youth, lost her position at QVC and lost the affection of the men around her. She now knew she had no other option. She had to fight back. She quickly snatched up her Kipling bag, dusted down the static on her Kim and Co dress, shook her long locks that had been washed in Ojon that very morning. She stood tall, pouted her lips and assertively boasted, "I'm not through here yet, I'm going to see the director".

 

[silversequin]

But first back to the dressing room to slect a stuning Denis Basso fake fur to wrap seductivley around her mature but still small and curvaceous form. "Denis still desires me" Julia thought as she slid a faux ocelot creation on to her volouptous shoulders. "Hmm maybe I should try my luck at QVC US, I've heard rumours that P Diddy is branching out into shopping tv and perhaps he needs the guidance of a mature yet still glamorous presenter to steer him through the complexities of QCut". As she pondered the ever more appealing prospect of a trans Atlantic renaissance the sound of frantic voices in the corrider interrupted her reveirre.........

 

[margaret43]

She attempted to pirouette her way elegantly out of the door but her left flip flop caught the edge of the skirting and she fell awkwardly into the corridor. Luckily, the faux fur cushioned her fall, and nothing was bruised (apart from her ego). Looking up, she saw Ali K peering down at her with a self satisfied grin on her botoxed face, and Simon B&W standing behind her with a worried expression on his botoxed face. "Ah Julia, I'm glad I've caught you. Better tell you now before you get hold of the duty rosta. Simon has decided that he wants a change for the next DECADE. I'm now going to be his sidekick, so I'm afraid that you'll have to do with Uri love." Julia could hardly believe her ears. Was Simon also deserting her? And if he was, who would now be her sugar daddy??

 

[Artemis]

Ralphie from Honora was having a good day. He whistled merrily as he negotiated the corridors of QVC towers. .....but what was this?! Julia was prostrate in the doorway,her discarded flip-flops drawing mute attention to her plight. Ralph was a courtly man, so he knelt by her side, squeezed her hand and whispered..........

 

[barbedwire]

'Your skirt's all caught up in your knickers, Julia...'

Just as she was averting her gaze from Ralph and embarrasedly unhitching herself, her mobile phone trilled...she reached down into her pants to see a call waiting from Dennis B-arsole 'Helllllo Dennis...' she demured. 'Hulllllllllllllllooooo Joooolia - I hear you've fallen on hard times, not to mention your fanny (I said fanny again, didn't I? When will I ever learn?) and I want you to be the face of Dennis Basso and next time I'm there I want you to be by my side modelling lots of dead ani...I mean FAUX FUR...whaddya say, missy? There's a real Chinchil...I mean FAUX FUR coat in it for you?'

So now she had two men after her...what was she going to do?

 

[Beady Belle]

She looked pensive (yes, that was a good word, she'd remember that one for her book) and started weighing up her options. Pearls or pelts, which should she choose??? Pearls were always 'on trend', suitable for ladies of any age, or should she go for the faux pelts, why oh why was life so complicated? Just as she was about to make a choice, her attention was drawn by.............................................................

 

[barbedwire]

A pair of heels clanking down the corridor - and lagging behind it, an enormous trailer full of Ojon products. Having just washed her hair in it earlier, she recognised that chocolatey pipe smoke whiff. She looked up to see Alison Young walking along with Denis - they were yattering on about his divorce. Julia's mind quickly rolled back to the fact that Denis was single again and on the market - her locks were long, curly and in need of lots of moisture. She could go out on a plane with him to visit the Tawira tribe on their council estate in Wigan where they brew up their potion in Mrs Tawira's back kitchen in her chip pan...her mind was whirring with possibilities and she HAD TO get Denis's attention one way or the other so she...

 

[Artemis]

Leapt to her feet, wiggled her "tiny" hips and tossed her locks. Dennis was transfixed by her split ends and lack of volume. He produced a glossy, chocolate -smelling orb and reverently handed it to her. "Here", he breathed, "have one of my nuts"....and he and Alison trundled on unaware of Julia's discomfiture. Meanwhile, another pair of staccato heels drummed down the corridor. The lady had a steely glint in her eye and an abrasive voice. "Hey you" Debbie shouted (for she it was) ".............

 

[SusieJ]

"oh sorry, it's you Julia. I thought it was Anne D on her back having swigged excessive amounts of champers again. Poor sod. I thought that long period she spend drying out over the summer would have cured her once and for all. I wonder what she'll come up with next time. I mean, she's already broken her arm (snigger, snigger) and she's done up her Italian holiday home - TWICE!!." She knelt down to take a closer look and gasped, "Julia dear, what is the matter?" Julia gave her a withering look and muttered .....

 

[Whatsinaname]

"We go back a long way, Debbie. Please just spritz me with some LE Instant Boost Skin Tonic and you'll never have to do a Tova show again..." DF hesitated.....

 

[Miss QVC]

OMG this is hilarious!!!!!

Please, please, please keep this going

I haven't laughed this much for months

 

[Artemis]

" Julia, you need my help" Debs crooned "my return has not been the success we hoped it would be, I need your support or I'll end up back in Petticoat Lane flogging dodgy sportswear, we need a plan........."
Refreshed by the LE Instant Boost, Julia raised her head and crowed.......

 

[SusieJ]

"Debbie dear, don't be too hard on yourself. I mean, give yourself a chance. You've got to understand that QVC has changed since you were last here. Let me think ....". With her dodgy knees creaking, Julia slowly got up and considered what to say next. "OK Debs, I'll be honest with you. This is my plan ...... "

 

[inatizzy]

.............. " I'm going to write a book. Yes Deborah Foghorn Flint a book............. a Jackie Collins steamy novel type - about ALL the goings on at QVC Towers........ I got the idea from my mate Choppysocks.
I'm going to reveal WHY You decided to return to a job you previously loathed, and STILL loath.....
I'm going to reveal WHY Charlie CANNOT Open a box quickly and with hesitation.
WHY Claudia INSISTS her name is CLOUDIER.
WHY Julian ADMIRES himself in the Monitor EVERY show he presents.
I think it's only fair to divulge WHY Jilly WON'T get her hair CUT.
WHY We PRETEND the RETURNS are not frowned upon LOGGED and QUESTIONED on a regular basis.
AND My Dear Debs I am ALSO going to reveal..............

 

[sublime]

The door creaked slightly as it swung back on its rusting hinge.
'Do you really think this'll work?' Debbie's voice was barely more than a tremulous whisper.
Julia bit back the vicious retort that sprang instantly to her lips, and forced herself to breathe normally.
'Debbie, it has to. What choice have we got?'
Willing her flip flops to stay silent for once, Julia crept across the dressing room floor.
Even so, there was little she could could do to prevent a trail of tell-tale footprints swirling in the thick, dusty layer of Gayle Hayman face powder.
'Dear God,' Debbie breathed. 'When was the last time she used the Cordless Swivel Sweeper with 7.2v Rechargable Battery in here?'
'Forget it,' Julia muttered under her breath. 'Let's just grab what we're here for and get out.'
'What? What is it we're looking for?'
Julia spun in a slow circle, her darting eyes, ringed in purple, raking the filthy room. She sucked in a fast breath and darted a finger in the direction of a cupboard.
'There.' She almost spat the word. 'It's in there. It's....'

 

[Artemis]

"....Lulu's television face, the one she dons to demonstrate the superhuman power of her Time Bomb." There in the darkest recesses of the cupboard, the Lulu-face reposed in a velvet-lined casket. Down each cheek ran a sort of slimy snail-trail..."Eeeuwww, what's that?" said Debs " Oh that's just where Alison Young's been slavering all over her, Props must have forgotten to give it a wipe". Armed with the Lulu-face casket, they crept out of the room.
Julia, once more forceful, urged Debs to keep up and the corridors of power echoed to the clack clack and slap slap of stilletto and flip-flop as the dauntless pair marched towards the board room. "Debs, my titian-haired friend," snarled Julia "we're in the business of Blackmail!" A throaty laugh was Deb's only response until they rounded the corner and were stopped in their tracks by................

 

[LE lover]

Ali Young. "Give me Lulu now, you know that is her "actual face, she'd be literally devestated if the viewers ever guessed that her ever youthful looks and humungous lips weren't down to time bomb."
"I'm Sorry" said Debbie "i could get a fiver for that head down the market on halloween and times are hard"
"Not only that we're going to expose the best kept beauty secret that Lulu is infact nothing but a piece of plastic wielded out every few months" boasted Julia allowing her nottingham accent to creep in.
Ali panicked and mustered up her strength, she wielded her beautifully manicured Leighton Denny nails straight towards Julia's newly mosisturised Decleor hands, that were gripping Lulu's embalmed head.
"Give me that" shrieked Ali "we are the only official stockist of this in the uk and if we lose her head i'll have to go back to talking to ordinary people like the lady from SBC and fiona" Julia and Ali locked eyes and struggled, "Come on Julia hollered Debbie, sounding like an extra from Eastenders, "smack er in the chops" but it was to no avail as all that moisturiser on their hands made the head slip and it was like slow motion as Lulu's botoxed head went flying through the corridor, straight into the arms of...........