I've fallen out with the smelly woman - awkward!

[merryone]

Last night Oh invited his friend (who also knows Mrs Smelly), and Mrs Smelly over to ours for dinner last night as he often does. For some reason I was getting "bad vibes" from her, she does drink quite a bit and often she can be a bit rude and dismissive because of that and I usually ignore it and put it down the drink and move on. She didn't seem particularly drunk, however I noticed her rolling her eyes when I spoke, giving me daggers, short answers to anything I asked her and generally disagreeing with anything I said. I could feel anger rising up inside and thought if she makes one more sarky remark, I'm gonna say something! Of course she did, and I can't actually remember exactly what it was but I said " Hey, what is your problem?" She snapped back with "What bloody problem?" So I said "I'm sensing you're not very happy with me, I'm getting bad vibes if you like" Her reply I haven't got a beeeping problem, so don't have a beeeeping go at me"" I don't know what you're beeeeping on about". Then she started shouting that she's known oh and his mate for years, so why all this sh*t? I said so it may be, but that doesn't give you the right to talk to me like crap. She said right I'm off, I'm going! "Toodle pip" I said.
Oh and mate just sat there open mouthed and said wtf was that all about, and of course OH started suggesting that I was imagining things, so I just said Sorry but I disagree, and he said well you'd have been better off just ignoring her and smiling at her through gritted teeth, you know she never stays that long anyway. I actually agreed with him. I said look shall I just go and knock on the window (her doorbell doesn't work) and offer the olive branch. He said yes, good idea. Obviously it was a bad idea because she shouted a string of obscenties out of her window at me, so I calmly said I've come over to tell you that neither of us want anything more to do with you- good riddance! Got home phone rang, oh picked it up, gave him a mouthful of abuse and hung up on him - So that's that.
I feel that I handled the situation all wrong, and definitely should have left it until at least today to try and speak to her, and I shouldn't have told her that neither of us want anything more to do with her, but in the heat of the moment I just wanted to upset her. I do wish she didn't live in the same street as when I see her I will have to ignore her, which is not something I like to do. I guess I will have to just nod and say a polite hello and should it elicit a mouthful of verbal abuse to just walk away calmly!

 

[mediastar]

Aw, it is rotten when people behave even more unpleasantly than they usually do. Drink exacerbates character traits and disinhibits people from normal social behaviour. Maybe she is unhappy in her life and can't bear to see others being normally happy? I hope you find a way to accommodate living near each other in the future!

 

[merryone]

I don't know what it was, I know I can overthink things at times, but she was definitely being a bit off with me, perhaps she was being off with the others as well, that I didn't notice. Had she been obviously a bit tipsy, then I would've brushed her behaviour off as that. She was in my home as a guest and she was speaking to me in an unfriendly argumentative manner, I just snapped. OH thinks I over reacted, perhaps he's right, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. I should've just ridden it out and then after she'd gone told OH in no uncertain terms not to invite her over in future when I am in. I'm left with an overwhelming sense of awkwardness and I do feel a little sad as I hate falling out with people. However, I am actually pleased with the prospect of not having to have her in our house any more - Just wished that she didn't just live a few doors down!
Good to hear from you again Mediastar.

 

[maymorganlondon]

Her reaction when challenged seems to me indicative of her having an issue with you that day. Whether it is deeper rooted or not as a guest in your house she was behaving badly. If she had a problem with you she could have declined the invitation and avoided the situation.
Constantly tiptoeing around “difficult” people just gives them permission to continue with bad behaviour. I would give it a couple of months and see how more impersonal interactions go, before trying to offer any olive branch… and maybe make it clear to oh and this woman that turning the other cheek is no longer on the table.

 

[merryone]

Her reaction when challenged seems to me indicative of her having an issue with you that day. Whether it is deeper rooted or not as a guest in your house she was behaving badly. If she had a problem with you she could have declined the invitation and avoided the situation.
Constantly tiptoeing around “difficult” people just gives them permission to continue with bad behaviour. I would give it a couple of months and see how more impersonal interactions go, before trying to offer any olive branch… and maybe make it clear to oh and this woman that turning the other cheek is no longer on the table.

Thanks for the reply, and those words have really made me think- She clearly shouldn't have come! I know the woman is in a bad situation, though much better thanks to the house clearance and rehab which as you know wouldn't have happened without me and OH. She has not shown any gratitude whatsoever to anyone involved. I wasn't expecting any kind of reward, but a bit of positivity and a word of thanks wouldn't have gone amiss.
I used to enjoy chatting with her a few years ago when she first started visiting us, but her visits became more and more of a challenge, especially the smelliness, and now the grumpiness and indifference. Oh used to insist that at least we're cooking her a meal, so she's getting something better than the microwave meals/pot noodles/takeaways she lives on. Yet she hardly eats a thing and just pushes the food around her plate, and most of the food ends up in the bin. We have not only given her tonnes of practical help and offered the hand of friendship. I don't expect anything in return other than to be treated respectfully. I still maintain that perhaps I'd have been better off not blowing my top -but what's done is done. I have decided that I shan't be offering any kind of olive branch and just hope that common civility will prevail should our paths cross. I've got to remember, I'm a human being who has understandably reached their tipping point!

 

[maymorganlondon]

Thanks for the reply, and those words have really made me think- She clearly shouldn't have come! I know the woman is in a bad situation, though much better thanks to the house clearance and rehab which as you know wouldn't have happened without me and OH. She has not shown any gratitude whatsoever to anyone involved. I wasn't expecting any kind of reward, but a bit of positivity and a word of thanks wouldn't have gone amiss.
I used to enjoy chatting with her a few years ago when she first started visiting us, but her visits became more and more of a challenge, especially the smelliness, and now the grumpiness and indifference. Oh used to insist that at least we're cooking her a meal, so she's getting something better than the microwave meals/pot noodles/takeaways she lives on. Yet she hardly eats a thing and just pushes the food around her plate, and most of the food ends up in the bin. We have not only given her tonnes of practical help and offered the hand of friendship. I don't expect anything in return other than to be treated respectfully. I still maintain that perhaps I'd have been better off not blowing my top -but what's done is done. I have decided that I shan't be offering any kind of olive branch and just hope that common civility will prevail should our paths cross. I've got to remember, I'm a human being who has understandably reached their tipping point!

You seem to me to be a person of great patience and generosity, don’t doubt yourself now. You and your oh have tried to offer friendship and practical help. I wonder if she resents the clearance and cleaning?

 

[merryone]

You seem to me to be a person of great patience and generosity, don’t doubt yourself now. You and your oh have tried to offer friendship and practical help. I wonder if she resents the clearance and cleaning?

Storm in a teacup time! The phone rang about half hour ago, and I could see by the number it was her. So I asked oh to get it. Cut a long story short, she was very tearful saying that she'd just had a row with the woman serving in the Co-op, she told OH that she was so sorry about Friday and he said no worries, Suz is really sorry too, let's put it down to a full moon and move along! Sort of relieved the sense of awkwardness has lifted. I don't believe the Co-op story for a minute, the woman who works there is someone she has history with and they're not friends to say the least so frostiness between the two of them is nothing new. I think it was just an excuse to call. I feel glad that she's acknowledged her shabby behaviour.

 

[merryone]

...and there's even more to the story, she just came over saying she'd snapped her key off in the lock to the inner door of her property. Sunday, locksmiths + £££££ I said let me google first and found a hack with a pair of pliers and WD 40, had that broken key out in 2 seconds! So proud of myself. Glad she had a spare key in the her keysafe though!

 

[loveallthingsitalian]

Merry she has a personality disorder and this olive branch is only putting it off for another day.

I think you and OH are saints I know I would have given her the bum’s rush long ago and would take this as an opportunity to distance myself from her and keep it on a lighter note of an acquaintance rather than friend. She must be exhausting to have around.

If she hadn’t needed help with the key would she have backed down? I don’t think so, but then I’m not as nice as you. I probably would have chickened out at having it out at the time but she would never darken my door again!

 

[merryone]

Merry she has a personality disorder and this olive branch is only putting it off for another day.

I think you and OH are saints I know I would have given her the bum’s rush long ago and would take this as an opportunity to distance myself from her and keep it on a lighter note of an acquaintance rather than friend. She must be exhausting to have around.

If she hadn’t needed help with the key would she have backed down? I don’t think so, but then I’m not as nice as you. I probably would have chickened out at having it out at the time but she would never darken my door again!

To be fair she'd apologised on the phone before the key incident, she doesn't have a mobile phone so she phoned us from her landline indoors. It coincidentally happened about an hour after she'd phoned, she'd gone up to the bins and when she got back the key snapped off in the lock. She kept apologising and I just calmly said forget it and lets concentrate on getting this lock sorted out. I still can't believe that I managed to sort it. She said I can't thank you enough, I calmly said no probs and went back home!

 

[stratobuddy]

I used to live next to a REAL Hyacinth Bucket

 

[MrMarple]

Everyone has a breaking point Merryone and it just so happened that you hit yours on Friday. I can confidently say that I would have hit mine a long, long time ago with her, so nobody can blame you at all for acting like you did.
Don't let it bother you for a second. I was going to say that she'll need you before you need her, but reading the full thread I see that that has already happened anyway. Please don't give it another thought.

 

[May]

No good deed goes on punished as the saying goes Merryone .. and the more I get involved with neighbours the worse it ever got so I just keep away .. hello goodby how are you etc .. then indoors unless in garden … never works out .. people see what flu have and turn on you too it seems

 

[merryone]

No good deed goes on punished as the saying goes Merryone .. and the more I get involved with neighbours the worse it ever got so I just keep away .. hello goodby how are you etc .. then indoors unless in garden … never works out .. people see what flu have and turn on you too it seems

She's not had an invite since the incident. So far it's just been polite exchanges in the street when we see her. It was always OH who does the inviting 'cause he's the cook in the house. We're away next week anyway. Like I said before, after her house was cleaned up I was hoping that perhaps she'd invite us over to hers, yes ok the main telly in her front room isn't working and neither's her cooker and it does irk me a bit to think despite everything that's been done for her, she's making no attempt to live a better life. It's all one sided and I'm fed up with it..the rudeness just added insult to injury. Happy to be polite and leave it at that!

 

[mediastar]

It is difficult dealing with people who can't manage their emotions. Compassion only goes so far. I think someone like that can't appreciate kindness fully and sometimes the weight of "normal expectations" is just too much for them. It sounds like she really did appreciate the very clever lock trick though, well done you for trying and successding, Nice to "see" you too. I work from home and keep forgetting to come on here!