Now I wasn't going to post about this 'cause I'm sure everybody's had enough about hearing about everybody's secret santa woes...but a work colleague told me something that out trumped everything that happened to us this xmas..To cut a long story short we took a massive sack of gifts for OH's family just after xmas as we usually do, and after they opened a massive ikea blue bag crammed full of goodies, they nonchalently said..."sorry no presents I'm afraid...we're all a bit skint!" " Yeah tell us about I said!! We don't give to receive, but a token gesture would've been better than nothing, especially since they knew we weren't coming till the new year...but anyway....gonna just buy for the kids next time and spend a fecking lot less on them too...But wasn't gonna say anything until I spoke to Lisa my colleague today....She is the carpark attendant where I work and she has befriended an old lady who shops there, she helps her to and from her car, helps with her shopping, phones her up for a chat, runs errands for her...knowing she doesn't have any family here, she wanted to give her a xmas gift, so she bought her this beautiful plush cosy blanket and a lindt chocolate teddy...The blanket had been reduced to £15 from £30 and the chocolate about a fiver. Lisa phoned the lady on xmas day to wish her a merry xmas she asked whether she liked her gifts....and the lady said...oh I gave the blanket to the polish family next door cause I didn't really need it, she didn't have time to register the shock and just said well hey hope you liked the chocolate, and she said....It's a little bit childish for me, so I've popped it in the car, so next time I see you I'll give it back to you, perhaps you can give it to your granddaughter!!!! Lisa said she felt close to tears, and just cannot understand how people can be like that!!! She said, she was going to tell her that she'd have sooner she'd have returned both presents if she didn't want them, as she felt a bit miffed having spent money she can't afford on total strangers ie this woman's next door neighbours. We all receive stuff we don't need, or could easily live without...but you don't tell the person you don't like or want what you've been given...there's a bottom drawer for regifting, there's charity shops to donate to....I'm awash with toiletries I don't particularly want or need but i'll just plough my way through them...you just do!!! And of course if the problem gets silly, you can always tell people before christmas to make a donation to a charity of their choice instead of a present that'd be something - But to be so downright rude and thoughtless when someones given you a surprise gift is beyond my comprehension. I remember once my mum bought this lady in her office many moons ago a set of lipsticks and the woman gave them back a week later saying she tried them and didn't like them - I personally think that's downright rude. Maybe if someone's bought you a perfume or skincare product that you know you're allergic to..perhaps have a quiet word with the person who gifted it to you and say look I'm so sorry the thought was really sweet but...blah blah.perhaps you can use them or get your money back - but other than that what is the bloody matter with people?
Exchanging presents
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loveallthingsitalian
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Sometimes the elderly can be less than tactful- I know my late father used to embarrass me by some of the thoughtless things he came out with.
This ofcourse doesn’t excuse rudeness and selfishness and I hope your friend isn’t put off as she seems like a very caring person.
This ofcourse doesn’t excuse rudeness and selfishness and I hope your friend isn’t put off as she seems like a very caring person.
This woman is a bloody saint..I tell you, knowing her she probably won't be put off, but she said it certainly took the wind out of her sails! I just think it's the height of rudeness..This has happened to me once..many moons ago I got friendly with a woman who ran the local mother and toddler group, she was not very well off financially but put her own time and money into running this club, she was the life and soul of the community and everybody loved her. For her thirtieth birthday...I wanted to get her a gift but didn't have a clue what to get her, so I bought her a marks and spencer voucher..£15 I think...thinking she could buy herself some luxury bath stuff, maybe some nice food and a bottle of wine.. A week or two later I was at her house having a cuppa and we talked about her birthday and presents, she said I had some great presents but and I quote "some **** bought me a marks and spencer voucher"....When do I ever go in Marks and spencer eh?, There's NOTHING in there I'd possibly want!!!! I was flabberghasted and didn't have to guts to say "that was me actually" and watch her squirm....I simply said....oh, they do lovely food, wine, undies, smellies for the bath....I said if you don't want it I'll have it!!!! She sad I'd bloody give it too you but I've already given it to my mother...Charming...I wonder if it ever dawned on her?!!
Pick-a-Lily
was that summer?
There's no excuse for bad manners. People give me unwanted things as gifts all the time. I just smile sweetly, thank them very much, and say 'you really mustn't spend your money on me'. The gift giver does not want or need to know it's going straight in my next charity bag.
Exactly! I couldn't agree more!
I think when it comes to gifts however hard you try you'll not always get it right...well not unless the person's specifically asked for something...If I'm given something I don't need and don't want I just say thanks it was great, but if it's something I really love...I wax lyrical about it. Friend of mine for my birthday recently bought me...well I dunno what it's supposed to be..is it a big shawl, is it a table cloth, is it a chair throw? She travels to Egypt regularly and it does look as though it was bought there due to the style - totally not my taste, and it vaguely smells of incense (Egyptian market?) I'm never gonna use it in any way shape or form..so I've folded it up neatly and put it in a plastic bag (cos of the smell) and popped in the drawer...Wouldn't dream of telling her either that it's not to my taste or give it back to her, like p.a.l said she does not need to know...it would hurt her feelings and just be plain rude..not only that she probably wouldn't buy me a pressie ever again and most times she gets it right!
Akimbo
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long rant...
I'm just catching up on reading here and feel your pain Suz, and for all the other examples of rude ignorance! I have an on-going battle with Mr Akimbo over the Xmas present issue. There's always been a disparity between the amount my side of the family spend at Xmas and Mr A spends (used to spend) on his side. Once my Mum passed away (12 years ago) my brother and sister and I agreed to not do presents at all, tho my brother still treats my kids when he comes to stay. That's the only family I have apart from a few cousins we exchange cards with.
My outlaws are comfortably off but I don't mind that their presents to Mr A and I have dwindled to a set of smellies (a local cat charity shop got his set this year as soon as they opened in the New Year); I got a hot water bottle (ditto cat charity) whereas Lil Sis was given a new TV for her kitchen. I try every year to get Mr A to spend less (technically it's me spending more than I want to!) this year the mother-outlaw got £60 worth of Liz Earle. I possibly sound a bit churlish but it's almost not about the money; it's about the effort put into choosing something they'll like and use. Next year I'll just go into Boots and buy 3 for 2 generic gift sets and leave it at that! Then Mr A will send them £50 of vouchers or online gift delivered direct, because he wants to treat them.
Rant part 2
30+ years ago when I moved flats and started going to a nearby church I befriended an elderly lady who'd walk home the same way I did. She was lovely and after a few weeks invited me in for a cuppa on the walk home, a few weeks after that she gave me 50p and said I should treat myself (a bit like my Nana did when I was little); I popped it on the hall table when I left. This happened every couple of Sundays; another 50p. It was her way of saying she appreciated having someone to chat with. Each time I'd leave it somewhere else in the house. I enjoyed listening to her stories of dating Polish airmen who were stationed in Blackpool during the war; she was a hoot. Anyway a few months later a couple called round and told me not to take advantage of their mother, not to walk home with her and accused me of being after her money! I was shocked because (a) they lived nearby but I'd assumed they lived a long way away because she'd said they could only visit a couple of times a year (b) that they thought a few 50p pieces which I hadn't kept, was me taking advantage. After that she'd still sit nearby in church but didn't invite me in and I wondered whether they'd convinced her I was after her money? I doubt she could afford the 50p she tried to give me. What upsets me still is that I couldn't think fast enough to tell them they should spend time with her! I've replayed that scene in my head thousands of times over the years, planning something pithy I could have said! The Speakmans would tell me that's not healthy, but we all do that right?
What's the solution? F*** knows when the world is full of ignorant people!
I'm just catching up on reading here and feel your pain Suz, and for all the other examples of rude ignorance! I have an on-going battle with Mr Akimbo over the Xmas present issue. There's always been a disparity between the amount my side of the family spend at Xmas and Mr A spends (used to spend) on his side. Once my Mum passed away (12 years ago) my brother and sister and I agreed to not do presents at all, tho my brother still treats my kids when he comes to stay. That's the only family I have apart from a few cousins we exchange cards with.
My outlaws are comfortably off but I don't mind that their presents to Mr A and I have dwindled to a set of smellies (a local cat charity shop got his set this year as soon as they opened in the New Year); I got a hot water bottle (ditto cat charity) whereas Lil Sis was given a new TV for her kitchen. I try every year to get Mr A to spend less (technically it's me spending more than I want to!) this year the mother-outlaw got £60 worth of Liz Earle. I possibly sound a bit churlish but it's almost not about the money; it's about the effort put into choosing something they'll like and use. Next year I'll just go into Boots and buy 3 for 2 generic gift sets and leave it at that! Then Mr A will send them £50 of vouchers or online gift delivered direct, because he wants to treat them.
Rant part 2
30+ years ago when I moved flats and started going to a nearby church I befriended an elderly lady who'd walk home the same way I did. She was lovely and after a few weeks invited me in for a cuppa on the walk home, a few weeks after that she gave me 50p and said I should treat myself (a bit like my Nana did when I was little); I popped it on the hall table when I left. This happened every couple of Sundays; another 50p. It was her way of saying she appreciated having someone to chat with. Each time I'd leave it somewhere else in the house. I enjoyed listening to her stories of dating Polish airmen who were stationed in Blackpool during the war; she was a hoot. Anyway a few months later a couple called round and told me not to take advantage of their mother, not to walk home with her and accused me of being after her money! I was shocked because (a) they lived nearby but I'd assumed they lived a long way away because she'd said they could only visit a couple of times a year (b) that they thought a few 50p pieces which I hadn't kept, was me taking advantage. After that she'd still sit nearby in church but didn't invite me in and I wondered whether they'd convinced her I was after her money? I doubt she could afford the 50p she tried to give me. What upsets me still is that I couldn't think fast enough to tell them they should spend time with her! I've replayed that scene in my head thousands of times over the years, planning something pithy I could have said! The Speakmans would tell me that's not healthy, but we all do that right?
What's the solution? F*** knows when the world is full of ignorant people!
loveallthingsitalian
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Finding out that someone would be away from home the 2 weeks before Christmas I rushed to the P.O. and spent£18 to post a parcel so that they would get it before they went.
I received a thank you text this weekend, 5 weeks after I sent it.
I received a thank you text this weekend, 5 weeks after I sent it.
OMG Jude..that second story is horrendous!!!! And as you know i'm with you on rant no.1! Loveallthingsitalian....Yep that's a very belated text..but the kids we bestowed with gifts didn't send us thank you letters, ok I know this is a thing of the past, I know my mum made me send one to each and every person who sent me a present as a young child! Considering the sheer amount of gifts and treats we bestowed on hubby's family...especially after receiving absolutely nothing from them in return...not even the full compliment of xmas cards we normally get from them, one would have hoped that they would have tried to compensate for their thoughtlessness and scroogieness by sending a thank you text. I'm not expecting an apology, but if just one of them had sent a text to say...thanks for the lovely gifts....the kids especially liked this that or the other and signed off with happy new year..hope to see you soon x...that would've been something...But no ..not heard a dickie bird!
Akimbo
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I think if someone plans to stop giving gifts (for any reason) then they should announce it at least a few weeks before the start of December. That would give those who normally give them presents chance to cross them off the list or to say "that's ok but I might give the kids something" or similar response.
I'd be relieved if the outlaws suggested this but I wouldn't start that ball rolling - the mother-out-law has a short fuse: she cut off her cousin (they grew up as brother and sis during the war) because he didn't visit her mum in hospital when she had a stroke! In one rash decision she stopped all her immediate family contacting his family and when Mr A suggested we'd drop in to see them a few Xmases ago she went scarily hysterical. On the quiet I send them a card every year but she's a prize hypocrite because she's punishing John, but at the same time she's cut off my husband from his God-parents, and our kids have missed out on a whole branch of cousins - John and his wife have a son who has since married and has 2 children. Having a shrinking family on "my" side I can't understand permanently excommunicating so many. I suggested (not to her face) she needed grief counselling since her mum later passed away. Her reaction far out-weighs the "crime" IMHO and it's time to move on. I think she's causing herself more harm keeping this feud going for so many years; a bit of forgiveness would help her move on.
"Nowt so queer as folk!" as they say in Yorkshire!
I'd be relieved if the outlaws suggested this but I wouldn't start that ball rolling - the mother-out-law has a short fuse: she cut off her cousin (they grew up as brother and sis during the war) because he didn't visit her mum in hospital when she had a stroke! In one rash decision she stopped all her immediate family contacting his family and when Mr A suggested we'd drop in to see them a few Xmases ago she went scarily hysterical. On the quiet I send them a card every year but she's a prize hypocrite because she's punishing John, but at the same time she's cut off my husband from his God-parents, and our kids have missed out on a whole branch of cousins - John and his wife have a son who has since married and has 2 children. Having a shrinking family on "my" side I can't understand permanently excommunicating so many. I suggested (not to her face) she needed grief counselling since her mum later passed away. Her reaction far out-weighs the "crime" IMHO and it's time to move on. I think she's causing herself more harm keeping this feud going for so many years; a bit of forgiveness would help her move on.
"Nowt so queer as folk!" as they say in Yorkshire!
Yeah Hubbys family are always feuding about one thing or another, they make it all up then something else crops up and it starts all over! Xmas and New Year is normally high season for them...but I guess this is true of many families..however it makes it a total pain in the rear when we do go down for a visit..cos it means we can't just go to one of the houses, park up..go in have a drink and relax..It's either only see a few of them, then try and get a cab across town to see the others, or don't have a drink and drive over to see them or make two separate trips. Funnily enough they were all talking to each other this year, so it could've bee n quite nice. Don't get me wrong it's not all about the pressies...It was the blase attitude that came with the announcement that got me..the total lack of embarrassment, oh and the fact that they decided to order a take away instead of cooking a family meal and let hubby pay for it (yeah, he was a **** for offering!) However, he'd obviously taken on board the "we're skint" comment. However when we spoke afterwards he said he was also a bit taken aback that they hadn't planned any kind of food for us, again they usually do, and he told me that he'd offered to pay for it almost as a sarcastic reaction to everything - Thinking they might say "don't be daft, it's the least we can do!" Don't be daft! I think the only reaction from them was..."If
you're sure!!" Some years ago we went down to celebrate NYE with them, we travelled down by train...I'd actually had to work that day, so I was knackered and was looking forward to a lovely relaxing and fun evening....No, hubby had receieved a call to say they'd had a major bust up, and we'd only be seeing half the family...the evening consisted of us...having a take away..erm guess who paid? and sitting there listening to them slagging the rest of the family off. I said never again back then and whilst we've not spent a NYE with them since....Xmas looks like it's going the same way lol!
And a footnote to this, is I'm wondering whether all the "Xmas Eve boxes" they were parading all over social media had anything to do with their sudden onset of skintness this year? By the looks of it, they'd spent a pretty penny!
you're sure!!" Some years ago we went down to celebrate NYE with them, we travelled down by train...I'd actually had to work that day, so I was knackered and was looking forward to a lovely relaxing and fun evening....No, hubby had receieved a call to say they'd had a major bust up, and we'd only be seeing half the family...the evening consisted of us...having a take away..erm guess who paid? and sitting there listening to them slagging the rest of the family off. I said never again back then and whilst we've not spent a NYE with them since....Xmas looks like it's going the same way lol!
And a footnote to this, is I'm wondering whether all the "Xmas Eve boxes" they were parading all over social media had anything to do with their sudden onset of skintness this year? By the looks of it, they'd spent a pretty penny!
