I personally find Christmas VERY difficult. From the first week in December there is a certain bleakness, a coldness in spirit as well as temperature, like it's permanently twilight. The sunlight is thinner. The tinsel, the mince pies, radio adverts featuring sleighbells, the warmed wine the tacky records (especially Slade) that get dragged out year after year "because it's Christmas," the work colleagues that say things like: "what are you DOING for Christmas?" (like you have do be DOING something, and have pre-planned it through to the most minute detail, God forbid if you're not DOING something!") and I have to try and rack my brains for a tactful answer, as I couldn't say "sitting at home, reading books and doing crossword puzzles and anything to try and stop me from killing myself." That would be too honest and offensive. I have tried the: "I would rather not talk about it," line but that upsets people. I have tried the: "Nothing planned really, will see how it goes," but that then leads them onto talking about it even more when I DON'T WANT TO. So usually I will say something like: "Oh I'll have a quiet Christmas at home, catch up on a few things," and hope they leave it at that. It sometimes helps if I avoid eye contact with them at this stage. I hate the do-gooders that do good "because it's Christmas." What about the rest of the year? Hah?
I don't like Christmas even at the correct time, let alone be reminded of it in the middle of the bloody summer! I'm sure it's great for some people. The tree, the lights, the look on the kids' faces when they open their presents, the merriment, the indulgence. For some people it's very different. The lonely, old and young. The marginalised. Those who don't have any family. It's a time of year when solitude slips into loneliness. My heart goes out to all those who are lonely at Christmas or at ANY time of year. Bless you that you will have the fortitude to get through it and come through that thorny wood. I can see myself this year, perched in front of a lightbox, dosed up to the eyeballs with 5 -HTP like an animal in a lab experiment. Makes me want to cry even thinking about it. I'm sorry for this depressing rant. Today I was at Chiswick market and the sunlight felt thinner for the first time this year. It just hit me that that time of year is beckoning on the horizon. I'm now going to go and listen to Justin Hayward's "Forever Autumn" as that song sums up how I feel right now.
