Advice needed. What would you do ??

[madmax]

I really need of some advice over what to do about my son.
To cut a long story short he is now 25 and left home at 19 but came back home just over a year ago.
He works in a call center and only gets the national minimum wage so earns around £900 a month
He also has a long term girlfriend who lives in the USA.
So he is flying over to see her 3 or 4 time a year. She has never come here to visit him
Now I don't charge him a fortune in rent but do expect him to contribute to the house hold expenses and to pay his share of the phone bill.
He has been away for the last 2 weeks and didn't pay his rent for October as he needed the money for tickets, he has just told me that he won't be able to pay his rent for November as he spent it all while he was away. I have also had to pay over £250 for his share of the phone bill (all transatlantic calls) so he now owes me nearly £1000.
Now this wouldn't be a problem if he could pay it back in December but his girl friend has given up her job due to stress so he is going to be paying her rent. This means he says won't be able to either repay me or pay any rent until she gets a job.(she has family who live 5 minuets
away so she could move back home)
Now what should I do
I have only 2 options that I can see neither of which sit very well with me
The first is just to let it go but I feel that this is very unfair on my DD who works so hard and NEVER misses her rent payments. I also need the money to pay bills etc.
The second is to force him to face up to his responsibility and get him to pay what he owes and to keep on paying his rent and make him homeless if he fails to pay.
Sorry for going on but I really am at my whits end, I know he wants to do the "right thing" for his GF but he has to realize that he has commitments at home that have to take priority

 

[Flying Pigs]

Does he realise the financial pressure he is putting you under?

 

[kitten_with_claws]

He's 25. Tell him to man up & cough up or take a hike! You've done your bit, you're not a bl**dy charity!

It's not your problem that he works in a minimum wage call centre or that his (rather feeble sounding!) g/f lives on the other side of the world! I certainly wouldn't be paying for his transatlantic phone calls & subsidising his rent payments that he's spent on flights & spending money! I know you love your kids, we all do but seriously, are you barmy???

I would tell him in no uncertain terms that if he wishes to continue with this level of spending he needs to find a better paid job! Also call up Rightmove or something & check what the rental rates are locally for a 1 bedroomed flat/bedsit/whatever & start charging accordingly!

Imagine if he spent the same amount down the pub or something, I bet you'd be p*ssed off then wouldn't you? Transatlantic flights etc. are no different really, he's still living beyond his means & in effect, it is now you who is paying his g/f's rent!

I would help out any of my kids if they were in dire straits or immediate need but it wouldn't even cross their minds to sponge off me in that manner or to that extent; they know I couldn't afford it & they're all fiercely independent anyway! lol

I repeat.....he's 25!!!

 

[Vienna]

He isn`t a boy he`s a man of 25 and many 25 year olds have families of their own and the pressure of keeping a roof over their heads, paying bills etc on very low wages. Personally I think he`s taking the piss and as a Mother of 3 sons, all of whom have lived at home and away from home, I think you`re doing him no favours by allowing him to shirk his responsibilities to you. He wouldn`t get away with it if he lived anywhere else and would have been out on his ear by now. If he feels you`re bottom of his priorities then tell him to go to America and stay there because he`s making you feel as if you don`t matter and are only there as a free meal ticket.
For 13 years I was Manager at a hostel for homeless men and many times young men arrived on the doorstep having pushed their parents to the limit with their selfish behaviour and the parents finally had enough. All I can say is the short sharp shock of not having Mummy or Daddy to carry them around, subsidize them or making life easy peasy was often the wake up call they needed to finally grow up. It`s never nice to see families torn apart for whatever reason but often after just a few weeks living in a place where they had to fend for themselves, cough up their rent bang on time, live with people they certainly wouldn`t choose to live with and manage what little money they had left, was just what was needed. I often saw selfish, arrogant, badly behaved young men walk in the hostel door ( not that I`m saying your son is badly behaved or arrogant but he`s certainly being selfish at the moment ) and far more grown up , responsible young men walk out of the hostel door because people such as myself had to take the stance with them that their parents should have done. A kick up the arse is what he needs, simple as that and all because he thinks you`re just his Mum so he`s entitled to treat you as a mug !

 

[Diamond Diva]

Madmax have you sat down and had a serious talk with him about the situation and how you feel, it could be that he's just made assumptions that you're OK with this?

You could suggest he get a second job, perhaps do some bar work, waitering, deliver pizza or whatever then he could pay you and still help his girlfriend. IMO allowing him to not contribute to the household is totally unfair to your daughter who does and he has to take responsibility for himself he can't go through life with you looking after him financially!

I know my friends had a similar problem with their daughter she had a well paid job, spent a fortune on clothes, holidays and her social life but never paid a penny towards the household and that continued until she went to live with her boyfriend, I could never understand them allowing her to get away with it!

When I started work my mother decided what was a fair contribution for both of us and other than my travelling expenses for work she was always paid before anything else and if I got a pay rise she got one too. I learnt very early in life the value of money, that I had to work hard, that if I wanted something I had to save for it and the importance of paying bills etc. This was probably one of the most valuable lessons that I got from my parents, it's made me the person I am today, God bless them xx

It doesn't matter how little they earn they should make a financial contribution allowing him to get away with this doesn't do him or you any favours, life is tough for everyone, shielding him from it doesn't make it go away. If he can't afford to pay his rent then he shouldn't be going away on holiday, he needs to understand that bills still have to be paid. I know you love him and obviously don't want to see him struggle but you aren't always going to be there for him, he's not a child any more and he has to stand on his own two feet !

Two thoughts about the phone bill, you ought to either change to a package that includes free overseas calls or he could speak to his girlfriend free on SKYPE

In the end this has to be your decision and whatever you decide to do is going to be difficult, tough love always is x

 

[SparklyBarbs]

Don't think it was very nice of him to take it upon himself to pay for his girlfiends flat without discussing it with you first. So this
makes me think he's taking you for granted, and assuming you won't say anything. I'd get a lock on the phone, you can;t be having
phone bills like that, and sit him down and have a long chat, about HIS respondsibiities at home. You can't be expected to subsidise
his rent for goodness knows how long, she might not get a job for months and months if she's stressed. But you'll be stressed if you
don't try and explain your position and how he needs to pay his way at home, and realise he can't so swanning about the world at
your expense. Bit cheeky spending the rent money when he was away, if you don't mind me saying. But talk and let him see your
side. Good luck

 

[Milly]

Madmax you already know the answer to this one deep down dont you, so you have to tell him pay up or ship out

 

[Janey]

Why does his G/F never visit him? Sounds a bit like she takes him for granted.

If he can't fund his lifestyle why should you have to and now fund his G/F's too?

 

[vampyre]

Why is he spending so much on phone calls? He could have his own prepaid account or use skype, instant messaging etc., which cost less or zero. I'm not trying to be rude but I can't see how to avoid it, but his attitude to money seems very irresponsible. I hate people who go on and on about money as if there was nothing else in the universe but it is a necessary evil and it must be handled properly and that means getting the most bang for your buck and this concept seems to have passed him by.

Sorry for sounding so critical but I know what it's like to go without food and heating never mind nice stuff because someone else is too immature to manage the cash flow.

 

[sublime]

All of this up here ^^^^^ and more.

A stressed-out girlfriend, thousands of miles away, who's got nothing to do except sit around stressing in her free-of-charge flat, isn't going to bother to make a miraculous overnight recovery, either.

I think it's time he had a bit of a reality check.
Perhaps you could enlist DD's help in your efforts, MadMax?


PS I think I'd also introduce him to some gorgeous local girlies.

 

[donna255]

How is his American girlfriend and her loss of a job your problem? She has her own family time they looked after her in her situation.

Sit him down and straight facts, if he does not like it simple set a date he has to move out by.


Bet, he doesn't move out but pays up.

 

[beazot]

I can't help with a decision on what to ask of your son,as i'm a big softy with 5 adult children.But i think you need to tell him exactly how you feel about the money owed and try to make a decision on how he is to pay you.Very difficult if he hasn't got it,but he must work out how to pay you back one way or another.
I ring the USA almost every day as I have relatives there.I use SKY for my phone line,and pay £5 a month for unlimited calls,including 20 countries.I can also call mobile phones in the USA for free,very handy when there is a hurricane and all the electrics are out!!It has been a Godsend the last fortnight.If you can cut down on the cost of the calls it would be a start.
Best of luck,give me small kids anytime over adult kids LOL

 

[mediastar]

What is it with Mother's and their sons? I did catering at college and my whites had to be unpacked, in a soak and the set that was washed the previous weekend put through a blue bag and starching and hung out to dry before I did anything that weekend. Then I would have to iron my newly clean set before I left to return to college. Yet my brother's washing was collected by one of the delivery drivers who worked at the factory where my parents worked and taken back by the driver within a week. I never felt I should ask my parents for any extra money or food (although they did give me money toward my train fare when I went to see them, and make me sandwiches to travel back with), BUT brother and his family used to receive regular food parcels from then until my parents passed away.

So, in my very humble opinion, your son needs to get on Skype and get real about the value of money and what his fecklessness means in its impact on you. Sorry, I'm a hard old bag.

 

[Akimbo]

Before I started using skype I used Best Minutes to ring my sister in Canada for 1p a minute. Still use it now if I want to wander around doing jobs while we're talking. I'd say don't involve your daughter as back up because that sets up bad sibling feeling. At 25 he needs "tough love" ofcourse the tough part really refers to how hard it is for a parent to be tough on a child. Don't write off the debt but be firm that he continues to pay his keep as agreed and £10 or whatever extra til the arrears are cleared. If his girlfriend has never contributed to his air fares and never visited here I'd be hearing alarm bell about that relationship.

Sorry you're going through this, you'll feel rubbish whatever you decide I'm sure.

J xxx

 

[madmax]

Thank you all SO MUCH you have all said just what I would have said to someone in my situation.
He is just back and I am off tomorrow so we have agreed to sit and have a "talk" about every thing once I am home and he is less tired and jet lagged.
I know that he has to man up and don't really understand what has gone wrong as for the 5 years he lived away he paid his way through uni with all sorts of part time jobs and even after uni while he was living away he NEVER asked for a penny.
I think I have let it slip as I am not always feeling 100% and quite often will let things go by for the sake of an easy life.
BUT it has to stop, thank you all again for confirming that in fact by not making him face up to his responcabilities (sp) I am being a BAD mother .

 

[SparklyBarbs]

I don't think you're a bad mother madmax. You're obviously like us all, we try and help our children as much as
we can, and as you say, sometimes you let things go for an easy life, but it catches up with you in the end,
which is why you need to sort it out now. But don't be feeling guilty. You've helped a lot, and he's maybe taken
you for granted, but a good chat should sort it all out. I think you sound like a lovely kind, generous mum who
loves her kids and does what she can to help. You did take him back, lots of parents wouldnt do that. So don,t
be down on yourself. Good luck tomorrow. Positive thoughts to you and your son xx

 

[vampyre]

Thank you all SO MUCH you have all said just what I would have said to someone in my situation.
He is just back and I am off tomorrow so we have agreed to sit and have a "talk" about every thing once I am home and he is less tired and jet lagged.
I know that he has to man up and don't really understand what has gone wrong as for the 5 years he lived away he paid his way through uni with all sorts of part time jobs and even after uni while he was living away he NEVER asked for a penny.
I think I have let it slip as I am not always feeling 100% and quite often will let things go by for the sake of an easy life.
BUT it has to stop, thank you all again for confirming that in fact by not making him face up to his responcabilities (sp) I am being a BAD mother .

Two things about this mm.
If he was ok then but not now what has changed? (I think the answer is fairly obvious but he mightn't see it)
Mention this and praise him to the skies and beyond for it over and over. Bleat on about how proud you are to be able to say it. He's a bloke, you have to do this crap to get anywhere with them and remember that you'll have to repeat this many times in the future. It's a drag but it's worth it :grin:

 

[kitten_with_claws]

You're not a bad mother at all Madmax & I don't think he's a bad son either but he's still taking the pee, bless him! lol

You say he managed fine whilst away at uni, so he obviously can take care of himself & live to a set budget! Sounds rather like he is putting his g/f above everything else, both from an empathic viewpoint & also financially; that's all well & good if they're off living their own lives elsewhere but not so much when somebody else is partially financing both their individual lifestyles!

You definitely need to talk to him but before you do, have an absolute set amount in mind for rent, repaying of what he already owes etc. & stick to it, keeping any 'negotiating' to an absolute minimum! As others have suggested, Skype is a great idea but suggest (firmly! lol) that he get it sorted sooner rather than later as you can't afford to stand for any more transatlantic phone calls!

Best of luck! xx