Random musings and general banter.

HughTwo said:

Dirty Peter on one again.
Trying to flog candles.

"Whether it's the hallway, the bathroom, the landing, not only will they fragrance your home, not only in the front room, multi-buy if you can, not only is this vanilla, not only is it jasmine, go get them, this is a price to clear.....a price to clear......."

He must have a few strong coffees or a large collagen before he starts the shift

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A price to clear the room because they smell worse than bull ****

Where have those cowboys got £87 from on Amazon? I’m looking at under £30 from what I can see for description (Parfum) and amount (105 ml). Happy to be corrected.

Mouthpiece is on next… Time to switch off..

Duke of Cheese said:

Where have those cowboys got £87 from on Amazon? I’m looking at under £30 from what I can see for description (Parfum) and amount (105 ml). Happy to be corrected.

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Hmmm, the Oud element ups the price. Same stuff from Armaf without Oud is £19-£30



I remember an episode of The Apprentice where they had to find Oud as part of the find and buy task (when in Morocco maybe?) and didn't have a clue what it was. An oud is also a lute guitar, but the oud wood scent comes from Cambodia and elsewhere.


Reminds me of Rigsby burning Philip's (the (not) "African Prince" from Croydon) wardrobe wooden stick, like the tribes do, to lure Miss Jones!

it’s Joanne

I did well. I got to Good Evening…

Jazzydrury said:

it’s Joanne

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Oh fantastic news!

My favourite nasal-voiced sycophant on Freeview 51, a temptress of tat, beckoning to bleary-eyed night owls with her plastic fantastics, tragic fabrics, electrical nonsensicals, and illogical horologicals.

I'll av a watch of something else instead.

Breaking News:

For those who are wondering/missing ,even , Mase of the Mikons i have it on good authority the following announcement:
( Warning: Viewer discretion is advised).

You beautiful people may not be aware of this but Michael (or Moyke as he prefers) is a devout Roman Catholic. (Yes,I know).
Anyway,last Sunday he went to ‘confession’. For those who don’t know what it is about it is literally to confess your sins to a Priest but anonymously. See below..

As he sat in the confession booth the conversation was as follows:
Priest: How can I help you,my child?”
Mason “ Father,I have sinned. Thing is everybody loves me,I love me,my Goddess loves me,viewers love me,I am adored by countless people the world over. “

Priest: “That’s good to hear,my son. So what is the problem?”
Mason “ I have told countless lies about everything. I can’t sleep at night and and next day I can’t now face my adoring public”

Priest: “What do you mean my son?”
Mason “ Well I am a world famous Selly Telly presenter at Ideal World. I was taught by the best,Peter, but I refer to him as Saint Peter”

Priest: “ And what name do you go by in your professional life.? You can stay anonymous if you wish my child”
Mason: “Mike,Mike of the Masons,Father. I come across as an adorable cheeky chap. People just love me. They always want my autograph I only charge £50 on 5 flexis your holiness. You of course can have a free autograph”

Priest: “ so what’s the issue?”
Mason “The outrageous lies about everything I try to sell. Prices,descriptions that kind of thing. You know,I even make Gammon perfume sound like very expensive Dior when in reality it’s worse than horse . I tell people I am the Messiah,the 2nd coming. I can heal the lame,cure the sick with some dodgy flightless bird grease. Help me Father”

Priest: “ Mr Mike of the Masons can I make a confession to you my child?”
Mason “ Yes of course Father. You need a cordless vac? Is that it?”

Priest: “ I am a Priest but an avid viewer of Ideal World. I am ‘Trevor from the Cotswolds’
and I also identify as ‘Muriel’ in my spare time. “…..the Priest became very very angry and attacked Mason in a most violent way..

RIP Mason.
Long live the Priest!!!

‘Herself’ reduced to trying to flog Chef Mark’s Greatest Hits this morning…

Wow..That cross-contaminated chopping board stain looked worse after Van Klunkklik used the steam cleaner on it. He just spread it across the chopping board rather than removed it. Still, don't worry - just take the camera off him, and he can put the dirty chopping board out of sight, and never mention the demonstration again.

Scraping the barrel said:

Breaking News:

For those who are wondering/missing ,even , Mase of the Mikons i have it on good authority the following announcement:
( Warning: Viewer discretion is advised).

You beautiful people may not be aware of this but Michael (or Moyke as he prefers) is a devout Roman Catholic. (Yes,I know).
Anyway,last Sunday he went to ‘confession’. For those who don’t know what it is about it is literally to confess your sins to a Priest but anonymously. See below..

As he sat in the confession booth the conversation was as follows:
Priest: How can I help you,my child?”
Mason “ Father,I have sinned. Thing is everybody loves me,I love me,my Goddess loves me,viewers love me,I am adored by countless people the world over. “

Priest: “That’s good to hear,my son. So what is the problem?”
Mason “ I have told countless lies about everything. I can’t sleep at night and and next day I can’t now face my adoring public”

Priest: “What do you mean my son?”
Mason “ Well I am a world famous Selly Telly presenter at Ideal World. I was taught by the best,Peter, but I refer to him as Saint Peter”

Priest: “ And what name do you go by in your professional life.? You can stay anonymous if you wish my child”
Mason: “Mike,Mike of the Masons,Father. I come across as an adorable cheeky chap. People just love me. They always want my autograph I only charge £50 on 5 flexis your holiness. You of course can have a free autograph”

Priest: “ so what’s the issue?”
Mason “The outrageous lies about everything I try to sell. Prices,descriptions that kind of thing. You know,I even make Gammon perfume sound like very expensive Dior when in reality it’s worse than horse . I tell people I am the Messiah,the 2nd coming. I can heal the lame,cure the sick with some dodgy flightless bird grease. Help me Father”

Priest: “ Mr Mike of the Masons can I make a confession to you my child?”
Mason “ Yes of course Father. You need a cordless vac? Is that it?”

Priest: “ I am a Priest but an avid viewer of Ideal World. I am ‘Trevor from the Cotswolds’
and I also identify as ‘Muriel’ in my spare time. “…..the Priest became very very angry and attacked Mason in a most violent way..

RIP Mason.
Long live the Priest!!!


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Absolutely hilarious! At least we now know who Muriel really is...

Duke of Cheese said:

‘Herself’ reduced to trying to flog Chef Mark’s Greatest Hits this morning…

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My parrot says pogue Mahone - kiss my arse

Knowles the pillow expert claiming he almost fell asleep on air once when demonstrating a weighted blanket

Wondered where all the weighted blankets had gone - assumed all bought by Dirty Pedro to line the walls of the draughty hovel

What is up with the girl on early morning that has the greased oiled face. What is that about. She looks stupid

Scraping the barrel said:

…dodgy flightless bird grease…

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That's the best description of Emu Balm I've ever read

Poor emus

I dare say just looking at a picture of an emu has more medicinal benefit than using oil squished out of their organs. Along the lines of people eating ground up tiger genitals or rhino horn scrapings as a cure all. No doubt works for those who really believe it will (placebo) but under controlled tests most bizarre "been used since ancient times*" cure alls don't.

America's FDA describes emu oil as a 'health scam'.

*This is a mix of an 'appeal to nature' fallacy - the idea that if something is natural it must be better for you, and 'appeal to ancient wisdom' fallacy - the notion that because something has been 'used since ancient times' it therefore must work/be safe/be better - but people were necking mercury for thousands of years too… so it's not an absolute.

Weighted blankets… Some flippin’ bit of old cloth, but on Exemplar Planet…a potential marriage partner, and general emotional and social companion…

Hammy60 said:

Yet Sally ordered something live on TV just the other day, phone in hand she told viewers they'd have to wait a second as she must get one of the clothing items, and proceeded to order. And how many times did Den ask her producer to order something for her during shows.

Not only does it put paid to the lie they can't buy until after the show but also showed just how unprofessional they are, can you imaging being served in a shop and midway through your sale the salesperson asked to you to wait while they bought one for themselves.

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Was it a gag that they were selling at the time?

Gemporia used to do this "sales technique" (I use the term loosely) ages ago - Adina and Vicki Carr were two of the worst presenters for this, I seem to recall. 'Put one aside for me, please, oh, I must have one as they'll all sell out' etc. etc. etc. - the usual bullshite. The only thing that surprised me was that they weren't reeling off the names of every member of their family, ordering one for each of them, too, plus the postie, the refuse collectors, their GP and the woman in the corner shop.

I'm sure Pete orders one of everything for the lovely Our Bet

Duke of Cheese said:

Weighted blankets… Some flippin’ bit of old cloth, but on Exemplar Planet…a potential marriage partner, and general emotional and social companion…

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Duke, you've upset my other half saying that…

…so please apologise to the large knit weighted blanket beside me or it might stop hugging me like the warm embrace of a long-lost relative at the heart of the Christmas family dinner to not only relax and comfort me, ok!!

Jazzydrury said:

Sally has a Dinosaur head lol

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I always thought there was something strange about her....

Herring said:

Duke, you've upset my other half saying that…

…so please apologise to the large knit weighted blanket beside me or it might stop hugging me like the warm embrace of a long-lost relative at the heart of the Christmas family dinner to not only relax and comfort me, ok!!

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Blimey, Herring, you've really got the gift of words - your IW script composition is spot-on.....you could get a job there and work with the one, the only, the celebrity of celebrities, the star of stars........yes, Pete!!!!!!

(Did I just hear you say 'get lost', or was it something ruder? )