Underused words/phrases on QVC

[loveheart]

Don't buy these soaps if you're a poor old b***er with only one bathroom.

 

[Tinkerbell]

Only an eejit with more money than sense would buy this carp!

Lulu's youthful looks aren't down to Time Bomb but botox and her plastic surgeon's scalpel.

 

[silversequin]

I'm not at all excited about today's TSV, in fact I wish I was at home tucked up on bed (and no, I don't use Northern Nights) and not stuck here having to give 15 minutes waffle about some rather ordinary product and make out as if it's the shopping equivalent to world peace.......yaaawwnn

 

[Starlight]

And here we have the diet chef plan to replace the 'I can make you thin' plan. You see Paul McKenna has pi***d off to Ideal World along with Moira C, Ariane Poole, Michael de Cesare, Stylee woman and the model we told was too fat.

Molton Brown won't let us sell their products anymore because you lot at home are not the kind of customers they require i.e. not posh enough/common as muck.

How we all laughed and nodded in agreement here at QVC Towers when that woman on The Apprentice described the typical shopping telly customer as a middle aged saddo called Mavis!

 

[loveheart]

We know a lot of you miss Lee from Philosophy but we are never going to mention his name again and instead you can have the very boring and bland Robyn trying to sell the same old boring products time and again.

 

[aragorn0130]

"To be honest, none of us would be seen dead in Quacker factory clothing and we'd all dearly love to ram that Quacker where the sun doesn't shine"

"We don't know who Simon Wilson takes fashion advice from either but hey, he's made a mint from stringing together bits of coloured glass on elastic"

"For goodness sake Tova, straighten up yer wig and how long is it since Ernie made a film anyway?!?"

"Are you actually awake, Mr Kingsley"

"Don't bother buying Markon shoes unless you've feet the size of a giant and don't buy Rockport shoes unless you've feet the size of a child"

"Gayle Hayman is cheaper in the 99p store - as are most of the things we try and flog you under the misnomer "designer range" "

"Most of the plants we are going to send you will be mouldy on arrival and if they're not, they're going to die not long after that anyway"

"Don't send stuff back - we don't like it when you do that"

"Lee Bradley? Yeah - I think he's doing really well working for himself nowadays"

"Prescriptives are closing down and we're sorry"

"Leighton, I don't think you should brag to our viewers about being friends with Geri Halliwell cos no-one really likes her"

"Hush up Lulu, all our viewers know you've had umpteen cosmetic procedures done"

"Marjolein, don't you think you're overdoing the pilates a bit?"

 

[Jasper]

This is a considered purchase *cue Harry Hill* QVC rip off of the week.:song:

Easiyo Yoghurt tastes like powdered milk.uke:

 

[Scouser]

I haven't really just run out of this cleanser/moisturiser/toner/face mask/foundation/lipstick.........I'm really just a tight-fisted, grasping, cheap old skinflint who thinks it's ok to grab freebees while urging you daft sods at home to BUY it.

 

[silversequin]

text in with a really rude joke cos I'm bored out of my mind trying to pretend I'm AMAZED by a set of chopping boards and a couple of knives

When I was young I dreamed of a career in film and theatre and here I am flogging tat at 1 in the morning

 

[Artemis]

To telephone caller

" Look Pet, I don't want to hear your problems. Your husband's depressed? I'm not surprised, I'm going to be depressed if I have to listen to any more of your whining. Signed photograph? *simpers*, of course you can, it will be the most tasteful thing in your mundane life...."

 

[Artemis]

Help! Will someone please help me to remove this rictus smile from my face as it seems to have frozen there. I also need my sincerity cartridge re-charging.......

 

[Rudolf]

If you lot really want to see how to make things with glitter, why not turn over to Blue Peter...

 

[LE lover]

no jeweller has ever asked me if my diamonique ring/earings/necklace was real he noticed it wasn't straight away because he's a bloomin jeweller.

This clearance is to get rid of all the stuff we thought you'd love and haven't bought.Of course a lot of it has been returned. now we've got another warehouse full of the new rubbish so we need to clear the old stuff quick

 

[Rudolf]

Although this faux leather 150 quid bag will last you a lifetime and is big enough for a gallon of water and half a dozen nappies so is a supermarket bag for life. That's 10p and you can return for a replacement until you pop your clogs!

 

[LE lover]

although we say this is a natural product it has a lot of alcohol in it and will burn your skin.

We know there's a recession and your trying to save money so do you really want to waste £100 on a moisturiser

get in the sun it's a beautiful day, have a cigarette and enjoy yourself who cares if you get wrinkles

So Lulu is the chemist who helps you design your products also your plastic surgeon

 

[star234]

"Oh my goodness!!! really???" Schock, feigned horror crossing her face along the lines of have we got the price right.
"Someone really is buying this????"

 

[silversequin]

"fashion forward, it's bloomin fashion backward cos we know it'll be winging it's way back to us as soon as you've actually seen the nasty limp rag of polyester with the migraine inducing print that does nothing for your face or figure"

From Joy the model to any presenter "Stop going on about my size, you patronising cow, have you looked in the mirror lately" I'm sure she's too nice to really do this, but I get so fed up with being told she is a "larger lady" etc etc, think she looks great,(even in the hideous things she has to model) so why can't they just leave it at that

 

[Mrs James]

''for f***s sake,will someone hand Jenniefer a dusty & brush so she can clear her own glittery sh**e up?''

 

[worrier]

diamonique is really just cz and it's stamped inside the ring.

 

[merryone]

Don't forget to consider the postage and packaging costs in this "deal"

"Boy, does that cling!"

"It's quite nice, but I've tasted better"

"You've got a 30 day no quibble guarantee, but don't take the p*ss, ok?, or you'll be hearing from us!"

"I wouldn't be seen dead in this under normal circumstances"