Knowles, stand to attention…Knowles, as your senior officer, I am shocked and appalled at you and your men’s treatment of POW Simon yesterday lunchtime. He is a Chef Mark deserter and a sharer of intricate military procedures with the QVC German, but upon escaping on a Sheridan Tank Exercise Machine, and subsequently recaptured in a Swiss watch factory inside rented office space in East Surrey, he become a prisoner under the Deceiver Convention. Knowles, I understand that under interrogation yesterday with Nurse Largelips overseeing, POW Simon had his trousers removed live over No Viewers Land, revealing a pair of Wednesday legs not suitable for broadcast to General Hammy’s Regiment in Camp Forum. As a result there were several casualties, including Sergeants Muttley and Samki, overcome by the shock of what they’d seen. I understand POW Simon was then placed inside a cheap plastic mask with felt tip pen graffiti over the front, and red light up upper lips. He was locked inside the mask for several minutes, with no trousers on and forced to look even more ridiculous than normal. He was only saved when Nurse Largelips intervened and released him. Knowles, I am less than amused at this conduct under your command, as was POW Simon. Knowles, you have failed to bed down in your role. I need a full explanation on several top sheets of foolscap, immediately. Your error is king size in it’s gravity. Your expressed regret is of absolutely no comforter to me. Knowles, you have been extraordinarily Sealy over this issue. Now GET OUT…