At Home With The Roberts and The Keenans


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Registered Shopper
Jun 24, 2008
thanks for reminding me about these you crazy kids! and to Pusskins for sending me these back - I hadnt kept them.

I started using fake names after this... :D
At Home With The Roberts

Doorbell chimes "Ding Dong"

JR: (shouting) One moment please!!
(she runs into bedroom, removes frumpy Stan Hermann housecoat to reveal very short lace negligee (purple) and pushes one shoulder strap down from shoulder, she quickly applies Tova lip gloss and steps into pair of kitten heeled slippers with furry pom-poms then dashes down to hall)

"DING DONG" (more urgent this time)

JR: Yes, Don't worry I'm definitely COMING!! Whoops!!!
(giggling, she throws open front door)

Postman: Another parcel madam. Been busy ordering again have we?

JR: Ooh Brian thanks EVER so I've been waiting for that one... do come in this time and I'll find a pen to sign....

Postman: No problem madam I already have.....
(before he can finish, she has grabbed him by the lapels, dragged him into the hall and slammed the front door behind them, which she is now leaning on, panting heavily, bosom heaving)

JR: What were you saying Brian? Oh yes, ordering again! Yes I have been rather busy on the keypad (waggles index finger in front of postman's nose), I'm very good with my fingers Brian.. know what I mean? Oops!! Did I say that?? Didn't mean it honest! (hysterical giggles)

Postman: Yes madam well if you can just sign here I'll be on my way

JR: Oh Brian you don't have to go yet? Come into the kitchen, I've got some coffee on.. and you can see my new décor, its yellow!

Postman: To be honest Mrs Rob....

JR: "Miss" Brian, I'm a "Miss". Not married you know (looks at him from under lashes and puts finger in mouth and says in baby voice) No-one will have me.

Postman: (laughs nervously) Ha ha I'm sure that's not true Miss. I've often seen you with your other half. Nice chap he is too.

JR: Who? Oh HIM? The drummer? Oh he just lives here Brian, we haven't been "close" for years, know what I mean? Now ... coffee!

(hustles postman through to large kitchen decorated in sunflower yellow. Photos of football players adorn all of the walls).

Postman : I didn't realise you were a Palace fan Miss, what did you think of the game last week?

JR: Palace? Palace? Oh PALACE! Football you mean? Well I go to the matches but it's only for the pies and Oxo to be honest. And the legs of course, know what I mean? (looks at postman's crotch) its my favourite bit of a man Brian (licks lips) strong meaty thighs, you must do a lot of walking, I bet you've got a great pair of legs. (she flicks her hair and allows other shoulder strap to slip) I've carried this yellow theme through to the upstairs Brian, fancy a f.... look?

Postman: (sweating) Really Miss I've a busy round, I must be going now

JR: Oh come on Brian, you don't have to go yet, feel this! (grabs his hand and clamps it on her arse) I'm 50 soon you know, 50 and no bra... not bad eh? And I'm only a size 12, well apart from up here (moves his hand up her waist towards her breasts) Oops did I say that? Honest I'm getting worse! (flicks hair which catches him in the face.. he splutters) I can give those teenagers at work a run for there money you know Brian, I can give them ALL a run for their money! That blonde piece dyes her hair brown and thinks we should all think she's got a brain, but she still flashes her knockers at every man who looks at her. And that gob on a stick, thinks because she's in a soap she's something special. I could have acted you know Brian, I could have done the LOT if I hadn't got pregnant. They're nothing Brian, do you hear me? NOTHING!!!!!

(she leaps on him, both legs around his waist and tries to kiss him.. he leans back to avoid her, loses his balance and they fall to the floor, her on top of him.... A voice is heard from the hallway)

Girl: Mum? Are you there I've forgotten my chemistry......

(enter girl)

Girl: Mum... MUM!!!? What on earth are you doing... who's that under... Brian? BRIAN???? what the fu..... Oh my god!!! So you meant it when you said my mum had a decent pair of jugs? Decided to have a closer look did you? IT'S OVER YOU LOUSE! I'm going to puke....!
(runs out with hand over mouth)

Postman: (shouting) Honestly its not what it looks like! Come back!!!

JR: Honestly Brian you're Terrible aren't you? Trying to take advantage of a defenceless middle aged-yet-still-sexy-woman like me? And especially when you've been seeing my daughter.. tut tut tut. Still, it looks as though that's all over now so why don't you piss off and leave us all alone?

(postman picks up bag and scrambles out, JR picks up telephone and dials)

JR: Darling, yes its me. Everything went to plan, I don't think we'll be seeing Brian hanging around again. Yes, she knows, upset now but she'll get over it as soon as she'' s in those tap shoes. Now, ring Italia Conti and tell her she'll be starting next term after all. Our little girl is going to be a star darling!! See you at dinner!.

(sound of milk bottles rattling outside)

(JR drops both straps from her shoulders and steps out of the negligee. She is naked, apart from the kitten heeled slippers.

At Home With The Keenans

Doris: Coooeeeee Mrs K… only me! Sorry I’m late only Stan’s leg is playing up and….

AK: Yes Doris never mind all that, now I’d like you to get straight on with everything because as you know I have very important guests arriving for drinks at 8

Doris (curtseys): Yes whatever you say Mrs K, ever so sorry Mrs K…Ooooh! Mrs K is that a new pair of earrings I see? Are they real Diamonds?? Arent they whoppers!

AK: Oh you noticed that?…(stops waggling earlobe around with little finger).. you have very sharp eyes Doris , shame they don’t manage to spot DUST a little more often. No theyre not new, I have owned them for some years, 15 carat perfect blue white diamonds set in platinum. I was fortunate to have them bought for me by a Saudi Arabian prince in the most romantic city in the world. Yes Doris, Roma!. We were en-route to Kenya for Safari at the Treetops hotel… famous for its links with our dear royal family, have you ever been Doris ? No? well.. never mind all that now. Start with the bathroom, hurry now! I’m not paying you minimum wage to stand around here chatting you know!

Doris : I’ll get straight down to it, would it be Lavender or Citrus tonight Ma’am?

AK: What? Oh, I don’t mind, bring me a selection from the bleach cupboard and I'll choose, but not that green stuff, I don’t want Motor Mouth thinking it hasn’t been cleaned, although she'll no doubt be leaving the smell of horse everywhere she goes tonight. You know what she’s like. And no marigolds Doris , I want you to FEEL the dirt.

Doris : Yes Milady. Ooh Milady is that a new handbag? Corrrrr!! is that one of those Vimto ones?

AK: Vuitton Dear, Vuitton. Yes its quite new. I was lucky enough to get it as a present from the a rather grateful executive at Marco Polo House but never mind that. Oh just feel how soft the leather is Doris ! Smell it! Have you ever owned a piece of designer luggage Doris ? Louis Vuitton? Loewe? Prada?

Doris : Not really Ma’am, Stan bought me a shopper on wheels for our anniversary but he doesn’t really believe in…..

AK: Oh Doris for God’s sake Stan is only a MAN you know, you really shouldn’t cow-tow to him like that. If you want to spend MY money on something nice you should.. We have some quite nice leather bags at work, you should tune in some time… one of MY shows of course, I don’t want you buying anything off that old strumpet Ju…..

Doris : …Yes Mrs K, but Stan says…..

AK: I’ll not hear another word about it Doris , I INSIST that you buy a leather handbag this week and I require you to report to me with it next Monday for inspection without fail. I am sick and tired of hearing sob stories from downtrodden washer women, I have enough of that at the studio with Anne Daw….

Doris : But Mrs K I was just…..

AK: Listen Doris , take a weeks wages in hand, I’m feel madly generous and frivolous for some reason , go on holiday somewhere wonderful! Get away from Stan for a while, have an affair with a Greek waiter! Oh Doris how I long to be somewhere exotic, blue skies, gentle waves lapping at my feet, the heady scent of expectation lingering in the air and that vicious sun almost burning my tits off. Pure Heaven!! Have you ever been to the Seychelles Doris?

Doris: Ive been to the Sea Shells Caravan Park at Skegness Mrs K, is that anything….?

AK: NO DORIS it is NOT the same! (flops down on sofa fanning with back of hand)

Enter small child dressed in tutu and ballet slippers

AK: (recovers and jumps up from sofa) Darling! Don't you look abbly fublus!! They'll just die when they see you dressed up like a china doll dancing your piece from The Swan. No speaking mind, seen and not heard.. understand?

(little girls nods silently, curtseys and retreats from room)

Doris : Who was that Ma'am?

AK: Oh I dont know its name, got it at Trophykids dot com Doris . I'm fortunate enough to be able to afford to hire one for the evening. That lot will never know it isn't mine. I would have used my own but she's covered in acne at the moment and no amount of Ketsugo is having an effect.(Shudders). I dont want puss all over the grand piano. I've sent her to Ireland for the summer. I've told her if she doesn't get rid by September she's going for a full chemical peel and dermabrasion. We may even get her started on some Botox aswell. I've spoken to my surgeon and he says 13 isn't too young.

Doris : (looking uncomfortable) Mrs K I don't think that's...

AK: Thankyou Doris I don't need a sermon from you, it's possible to get Trophy cleaners as well you know..... Now, after the bathroom I want you to feed the corgis and then start on the canapés. You'll find some tins of Cesar chilling in the salad compartment - the little darlings want Beef tonight please - and the Pate is in the Fortnums wrapper on the second shelf.

Doris : (glances towards kitchen and smiles slyly) Yes Ma'am, why not leave it all with me and go for a nap?

AK: Oh Doris , you're an angel!!
I have used all my thank yous! Fantastic - So clever and a real good laugh.

You've whetted our appetites - more please!!! :D
I've copied both Battersea Life and At home with the Roberts and the Keenens so i can revisit when i am in need of a good laugh - Many Thanks to BB for these genius pieces of workx
They were great :) Chortled (wonderful word) out loud (I do hope the definition of chortle is not 'to laugh out loud'!)

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