Alexis - modern wife?

[Tinkerbelle]

I don't pack for my son when he's going away because he is perfectly capable of packing for himself and because if I was going to do I would have to keep asking if he wanted this that or the other.

I do cook for him and make sure he has clean clothes in his wardrobe and I do it willingly and happily. I can't claim to clean his room or do his ironing because my wonderful cleaner does all of that. But he can cook, he can iron (badly) and he is perfectly capable of coping without me.

It's not about me wanting to interfere in his life or about me wanting to control him or be the most important woman in his life ... it's just how I prefer to run the house. And sometimes he cooks for me or picks up some shopping, especially if I'm working late.

I can't say I'm looking forward to the day he moves out, but neither am I discouraging him. And in today's market, especially living here in the south east, renting or getting a mortage for young people is eyewateringly expensive.

And the other bone of contention is that I don't think he should pay rent, and I know a lot of people disagree with that one. But how is he ever going to save up to move out if I whack him for rent? You could argue that he won't understand how to manage money or understand the cost of things, but he knows perfectly well how much things cost.

 

[BusyMum]

I don't pack for my son when he's going away because he is perfectly capable of packing for himself and because if I was going to do I would have to keep asking if he wanted this that or the other.

I do cook for him and make sure he has clean clothes in his wardrobe and I do it willingly and happily. I can't claim to clean his room or do his ironing because my wonderful cleaner does all of that. But he can cook, he can iron (badly) and he is perfectly capable of coping without me.

It's not about me wanting to interfere in his life or about me wanting to control him or be the most important woman in his life ... it's just how I prefer to run the house. And sometimes he cooks for me or picks up some shopping, especially if I'm working late.

I can't say I'm looking forward to the day he moves out, but neither am I discouraging him. And in today's market, especially living here in the south east, renting or getting a mortage for young people is eyewateringly expensive.

And the other bone of contention is that I don't think he should pay rent, and I know a lot of people disagree with that one. But how is he ever going to save up to move out if I whack him for rent? You could argue that he won't understand how to manage money or understand the cost of things, but he knows perfectly well how much things cost.

Personally I don't agree with that bit - my daughter's always coughed up board - but what about taking money off him and saving it FOR him if you want to help him?

 

[Pinkpussycat]

I don't pack for my son when he's going away because he is perfectly capable of packing for himself and because if I was going to do I would have to keep asking if he wanted this that or the other.
That makes perfect sense.

I do cook for him and make sure he has clean clothes in his wardrobe and I do it willingly and happily. I can't claim to clean his room or do his ironing because my wonderful cleaner does all of that. But he can cook, he can iron (badly) and he is perfectly capable of coping without me.

It's not about me wanting to interfere in his life or about me wanting to control him or be the most important woman in his life ... it's just how I prefer to run the house. And sometimes he cooks for me or picks up some shopping, especially if I'm working late.
This is a slightly different scenario because your son is still living in the family home so you would presumably be cooking for yourself or the family anyway, but would you go round to his place to cook and clean if he'd moved away??

I can't say I'm looking forward to the day he moves out, but neither am I discouraging him. And in today's market, especially living here in the south east, renting or getting a mortage for young people is eyewateringly expensive.

And the other bone of contention is that I don't think he should pay rent, and I know a lot of people disagree with that one. But how is he ever going to save up to move out if I whack him for rent? You could argue that he won't understand how to manage money or understand the cost of things, but he knows perfectly well how much things cost.

Yes I do disagree with that for the reason that you have stated as many young people just wouldn't take on board just how expensive the cost of living is when they're not paying for anything. I know Mums who do take rent off their kids but then secretly put it into a savings account to be given back to them when they move out and this seems the most sensible way to go imo.

 

[Tinkerbelle]

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Personally I don't agree with that bit - my daughter's always coughed up board - but what about taking money off him and saving it FOR him if you want to help him?

He saves money every month and it goes in his "moving out fund" so he has that bit covered really.

I was never charged rent at home either so perhaps that's where it comes from.

 

[BusyMum]

He saves money every month and it goes in his "moving out fund" so he has that bit covered really.

I was never charged rent at home either so perhaps that's where it comes from.

Well..lucky you perhaps! I contributed from my very first wage packet, and complained bitterly that I'd lived at home for 15 years but suddenly I felt like a lodger! However, it was explained to me that it was now my honour and privilege to contribute to the family coffers..um..! I did see it from that point of view...eventually..!:cheeky:

 

[Pinkpussycat]

I started work at 16 and paid housekeeping from day 1 too until I got married at 19 and moved out and I wouldn't have dreamt it would be any other way tbh. My Dad worked and Mum had three cleaning jobs to help make ends meet so why would I (and my Bruv) NOT be expected to contribute financially too??

 

[Tinkerbelle]

My son thinks he should pay something. I don't.

I don't think it's wrong if parents want or need their kids to pay towards the family coffers. But I didn't pay and neither does my son.

I only have one child. I work hard and am lucky enough to be able to earn enough to keep us both but he has to buy everything he needs other than food and "rent".

I know lots of people think I'm wrong but it's my choice to do it this way. If circumstances were different then maybe I wouldn't be able to do it.

 

[Mam]

Mam when requested I can accept. We all need to know that we can ask our parents for help when needed but imho most young people do not want their mothers forever buzzing around when they are finding their feet and becomming independant adults.

Totally agree. :rock:

 

[medusa]

my son is just finishing uni and has come home for the last few months of it. I don't charge him rent atm as he has bills to pay on his flat and he is using all his grant money to pay them off. but he does know that its a privilege to be back home to allow him to do this and clear his debt off. in return for his free lodgings He is fully aware that I will not be picking up after him, cooking or cleaning for him or generally being his unpaid servant. He is fine with that. I provide a roof over his head, a full fridge and no worries about bills. In return he does his fair share of houskeeping. washes and cares for his own clothes and takes turns at cooking.
If he was working and living at home I would expect him to contribute at least towards the household bills in some way.
When I was growing up, my mums rule was 1/3rd to her for board 1/3rd into a savings account and 1/3rd for spends. I resented it at the time but at 19 bought my first home with the deposit I had saved, so I have her to thank for it really.

 

[petpixie]

I don't have an issue with whether kids pay rent while staying at home or not ~ that's dependant on individual finances etc. I just have a huuuuge problem with mummies running around after their adult sons. It does them such a disservice and imo is a totally selfish act. You're not helping them, only yourself because you don't want to be relegated to the back bench. I'm delighted (and yes, proud!) that my son's girlfriend has a partner who cooks, cleans, tidies and is a great handyman (my hubby isn't so it fell to my son to take on the tasks!)
In other words he's a fully functioning human being and the last thing he needs is mummy going round to clean his already clean house and possibly upset his lovely girlfriend!

 

[Tinkerbelle]

In answer to PPC. No I wouldn't go round and clean or cook for him regularly after he's moved out. I would be far more likely cook something like his favourite food for him to put in the freezer but it would be on the odd occasion or when I was cooking the same thing at home.

 

[BusyMum]

In answer to PPC. No I wouldn't go round and clean or cook for him regularly after he's moved out. I would be far more likely cook something like his favourite food for him to put in the freezer but it would be on the odd occasion or when I was cooking the same thing at home.

Tinks, I think I'd like to come & live with you...please...!

 

[Tinkerbelle]

Tinks, I think I'd like to come & live with you...please...!

lol ... I could do with another female in the brood. Even the two cats are boys!! My house is full of boys!!

 

[medusa]

lol ... I could do with another female in the brood. Even the two cats are boys!! My house is full of boys!!

Oh poor you. I had 5 of my sons friends from uni staying last week after a night out. woke up in the morning to find my living room full of campers and the house smelling of farts!!!
Glad I only got 1 boy really

 

[Bensmum]

Mam when requested I can accept. We all need to know that we can ask our parents for help when needed but imho most young people do not want their mothers forever buzzing around when they are finding their feet and becomming independant adults.

I wouldn't dream of just turning up with my mop and bucket!

 

[clevercat]

Just another view

Hubbies mother didn't help me whatsoever, bringing him up totally doing everything for him as well as his two brothers and father. Been with him 17 years now and though he's different to what he was when I first met him, he find it so difficult still to tidy up most things. Now our youngest, a 11 y/o boy, learns off him and rarely tidys up. I'm convinced he sees his dad do it and subconciously, it rubs off. Don't get me wrong, I pull them both up on it but I end up being evil mum/nagging wife. My 2 elder girls notice it and I make a point of telling them, they won't be doing any more work than him and try and share it all out equally, taking into account ages. This thread has made me think about my MIL role, if I hadn't turned up in hubbies life when I did, he would still be with them now I'm sure. Now they live in a different city, resenting me taking their son away from them (obviously just my feeling but I don't think I'm far wrong.) Even hubby agrees with this now, it's taken a few years for him to realise though.

Oh my goodness I definately don't think you are far wrong either. That is so similar to my situation although he is helpful around the house when he wants to be but is unable to accept how hopelessly untidy he is. My mother treated my brother differently to me ie a little emperor and I was Cinderella doing lots of housework etc from a very young age. I have managed to move on but the sense of unfairness has never gone. Nor has the memory of MIL saying to me once OH had gone to work when she had forced herself on us for a visit "I'll do as I please in my son's house" conveniently forgetting that I had a house when we met while he was still living at home and we were using a lot of my furniture in "his" house.

 

[Pinkpussycat]

Oh my goodness I definately don't think you are far wrong either. That is so similar to my situation although he is helpful around the house when he wants to be but is unable to accept how hopelessly untidy he is. My mother treated my brother differently to me ie a little emperor and I was Cinderella doing lots of housework etc from a very young age. I have managed to move on but the sense of unfairness has never gone.
The old Mother/Son thing again. Pathetic.

Nor has the memory of MIL saying to me once OH had gone to work when she had forced herself on us for a visit "I'll do as I please in my son's house" conveniently forgetting that I had a house when we met while he was still living at home and we were using a lot of my furniture in "his" house.

Feckin cheek!! I hope you told the old bag a few home truths.

 

[loujareth]

"I'll do as I please in my son's house"

That's awful, hope things are better now. Can't abide people like that.

Mine does work hard around the house, I made sure of this through the years but his untidyness still haunts me. I realised after posting the other day, I do mention my inlaws so much on this forum and yes, they are that bad. This is the only place I feel safe mentioning them, it's very theraputic. A lot of it is his parents being very traditional (and old) and his mother doing everything still for his father, even at nearly 80, he wouldn't even know how to cook a meal, honestly and he feels thats how it should be done. It's weird how all three of their sons have very modern wives, something my MIL must be aware of, all opposite women.