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Julius

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Imagine what things presenters would say if they REALLY spoke their mind! What would they say? How would they behave?

Julia Roberts presenting Dennis Basso....

"I actually find you quite creepy and a tad perverse, but I have to be professional. I like this faux shearling coat but it's not quite the real deal. Have you got one for me to try on? I'm a LARGE or a 14/16!"

Jackie Kabler presenting anything...

"This shopping channel really is a bit beneath me. I've got a degree in zooolgy and I used to present the news for ITN and now I'm reduced to THIS? Eugh! It's like taking a bus... Can't believe I've been here this long. Still I've got a MASSIVE mortgage on my posh house and a sports car to pay for, so I'd better smile."
 
meCharlie presenting a Charlie Bears hour....


Well, of course they like to pretend these bears were named after the founder of the company, but we all know - don't we - that they were named after me, because they are handsome, have thick coats and bendy legs and arms - no, cancel that last bit..just keep the 'handsome' bit. These bears are the only things on here that speak slower than me...because they don't speak at all.

"Now, Charlie and Will, tell us something about how the company started" - no, on 2nd thoughts, don't do that, because I want to interrupt and tell you about my daughter's collection of Charlie Bears, and I'm far more interesting than you two...

Do you know, handling these bears gives me a wonderful chance to show off my man manicure - so just let me wave my hands in front of this camera, making wonderfully expressive gestures that I learnt at the Rub Bish School of Acting, where I learnt all my presenting skills.

Over half the stock is gone....Q cut is the way to go....no, you stupid bunch, that doesn't mean take a knife to your telly, it means ring up and order something, preferably something overpriced and with humongous post & packing charges....I've got a family to feed, you know.

And this is me, meCharlie, signing off, and I'd say 'goodnight' but it takes me too long to get the word out.


Julius said:
Imagine what things presenters would say if they REALLY spoke their mind! What would they say? How would they behave?

Julia Roberts presenting Dennis Basso....

"I actually find you quite creepy and a tad perverse, but I have to be professional. I like this faux shearling coat but it's not quite the real deal. Have you got one for me to try on? I'm a LARGE or a 14/16!"

Jackie Kabler presenting anything...

"This shopping channel really is a bit beneath me. I've got a degree in zooolgy and I used to present the news for ITN and now I'm reduced to THIS? Eugh! It's like taking a bus... Can't believe I've been here this long. Still I've got a MASSIVE mortgage on my posh house and a sports car to pay for, so I'd better smile."
Click to expand...
 
JF "my girlfriends all get presents from the poundshop, which I pass off as being from QVC's top designers".
 
Chloe Everton.......my mum doesn't buy anything at all from QVC actually, she wouldn't be seen dead in the "fashion" and she wouldn't know Beverley C if she fell over her never mind love her, ain't that right mum?
 
Jill Franks......I really do lie, no honest I do, last week I told you I wouldn't use any other nail file than the Leighton Denny crystal one, now I'm telling some bloke called Tom, I love your Stylfile nail file it's the best one ever, I carry one in my bag and have one in the car......yes I really do lie.
 
Lol! I just wonder if they ever almost choke with longing to say any of the things on here, or to just act normally? I suppose I've got to hand it to them for being able to fight the urge - if it was me I'd never be able to maintain that persona they adopt, I'd trip myself up by saying something, or burst out laughing - I wouldn't last a day as a presenter!

shopperholic said:
Chloe Everton.......my mum doesn't buy anything at all from QVC actually, she wouldn't be seen dead in the "fashion" and she wouldn't know Beverley C if she fell over her never mind love her, ain't that right mum?
Click to expand...
 
Julia : i am still the pwettiest pwecious little pwincess in the dinkiest size s

Alison : god i am bored, give me a man to humiliate, so i can show them all who is boss, it has been at least 5 minutes since the last bit of bossing about, well, Will will have to do, i am going to shave of his eye brows, and to stop the little twerp, running of crying to HR again, i am telling him that he has to trial the Revitabrow serum for my beauty show, but on one brow only

Kathy : i'd rather be in bed

Craig : oh, losts of happy shiny stuff, i looove stuff, stuff makes me happy, and shiny, ooooh, more stuff, gotta have all of it, i love consuming, stops me from thinking, ohhh, there is a thought, quick, get some more stuff ....

Charlie : why didn't they let me come on air in the nurses outfit ...
 
Chloe : all half price now, can't find better anywhere on't market, they all gotta go, get yours now

Jill : unbelievable, really is, unbelievable, i gotta jump to the phone, it is soooo unbelievable, and it is alllll about meeee, unbelievable, it really is ....

Marv : i am an incy wincy spider
 
Pipa : crikey, i need another sabbatical

Claire : i'd rather be on Stricly, and a tap and a pirouette and plie, and a biggggg smile and jazzzzzhands

Debbie : see if i can break my QVC sales record of getting some old lonely biddy buying 7 extra sets of this in just one show on only 28 easy pays

Jilly : its a job innit
 
Chloe Everton........yes I do say "of course" a lot, even when it's not in context, and makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I say it because I cant think of anything else to say you see, I'm rubbish at this presenting lark..........of course.
 
hehe good thread idea Julius
got me going alright, naughty, naughty,
but was great fun ....
tata
 
Steven Yankee Candles :
my all time favourite Yankee Candle scent is Enchanting Swishy Hair Conditioner, a delicate, delicious, delightful journey of the luscious senses

Will Charlie Bears :
phwoar Charlie, i love it when you talk Bear
 
Tim Goodwin when he had to stand in for Julian ----

I was really looking forward to going to the theatre tonight, I've paid a fortune for the tickets.

But Julian has turned up drunk so I have to take over his shift. I wonder if Q will refund my tickets and pay me double time.

But what he actually said was "Julian is ill, as ill as a newt"

Tim was never seen on Q again, so he may as well have said my version.
 
Jill Franks: i only put the best on my skin. Why are you making me present this cheap (£60/5ml) moisturiser? And i lost track of my lies years ago, so don't expect any of it to make sense.

Julia: do you think, if i flirt endlessly with the camera, anyone will notice that i am wearing a dress 2 sizes too small?
 
The Charlie Bears man, "Hmm these bears are really sh*t! I saw a bungalow with some lovely pampas grass in the garden, think the occupants are up for a bit of swinging. Might go round there this Saturday. Can put the car keys in a bowl and see a bit of, erm, action... yeh!"
 
Pippa or "Pipa" or whatever she calls herself these day: "Hmm I'm no spring chicken but I do hanker after a more youthful, funky appearance, and to be honest even though I'm nearly 50 I don't really feel comfy in my own skin. I feel a bit self-conscious about my ears. They make me feel like Big Ears's big sister. I hated that short-haired look. Much better when I dyed it chestnut brown and wore a vintage olive green dress a la Stacey Kent. I want to be a funky girl, the kind you see around Camden Market, in fact I WISH I WAS SIXTEEEEEEEN AGAAAAAIN! Yeh, yeh, yeh,yeh, yeh!"
 
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Can you see me, Mummy? Your ickle Claire all gwone up with big breaths burthting out of her tight fwock?
 
Sara :
ariba, ariba, can i go any faster, that coke, Red Bull and double expresso combo hardly hit the sides ....
 

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