The Twelve Days of QVChristmas

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barbedwire

barbedwire

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Jun 24, 2008
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Twelve Presenters Papping

Eleven Mendelsons Mmmming

Ten Quacker's Quacking

Nine Mackie's Bobbing

Eight Lennie's Shouting

Seven Van Zeeland's Breaking

Six AY's Screeching

Five Faulty Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiings

Four Easy Pays

Three Tova Wigs

Two Return Slips

and a Refund Under the DSR!

Fin

:drunk:
 
You better not shout.
You better not fight.
You better not say Ali Keenan's skin looks too tight.
QVC is coming to town.

They want to sell you products,
While you sleep or when you wake.
But if you decide to purchase,
Don't return too much for goodness sake!

So, you better not shout.
You better not fight.
You better not say Jill Franks' close ups give you a fright.
QVC is coming to town!

:devil:
 
:song::song:

tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
To buy perhaps a windproof brolly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Don we now our gay apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
clad in polyester to sing our carols,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

wave goodbye to Glen forever
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
do city shorts and ankle socks go together?.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Follow me in merry measure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Wearing Jenny Kirks gitter treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Sing we joyous, all together,
Fa la la la la, la la la la. .
with Kathy Van Zees in faux leather,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Fast away the old year passes,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hail the clearance ye lads and lasses,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

:song::song:
 
God rest ye merry gentlemen
Upon these Northern Nights
And please try our Diamonique,
It's cheap at twice the price.
Try faux fur from Dennis Basso,
And regurgitate EasiYo.

It all comes with a 30 day money back guarantee (guarantee),
It all co-omes with a 30 day money back guarantee .

Liz Earle has quite the product range
Though the ingredients are now quite strange.
And buy your clothes from Kim and Co.
If you want to look like a neon scarecrow.
Plus P&P that's occasionally free
Though it's normally extortionate.

It all comes with a 30 day money back guarantee (guarantee),
It all co-omes with a 30 day money back gua-ran-te-ee-eee!
 
Fan-Christmas-tastic, you lot are wasted on here !! Wish I could think up stuff like that so quickly. Going to to start work on an easter ditty tomorrow ..............
 
Well ... that's my carol singing sorted. :giggle:

What a talented bunch you are!
 
QVC and Wine

Shopping TV is king, the carollers sing
A year has passed and the sales are beginning
Dreams of a bargain, prices low
Free p & p to make us all glow!

Christmas time, QVC and wine
Presenters selling to us all of the time
With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree
And a bottle of wine with a mince pie or three!

A time for saving or a time for spending?
Charlie’s Bears or Northern Nights bedding?
Lyla footwear…. Kim & Co
Yankee Candles….. Clogau Gold

Christmas time, QVC with wine
Jill and Craig on most of the time
‘Truly amazing’ and ‘I have this at home’
Makes you just want to jump to those phones!

A time for forgiving, a time for forgetting
Fashion purchases that you are regretting
Time for a New Year and New you
Exercise gizmos and beauty ‘for you’

Christmas time, QVC with wine
Bargain hunting most of the time
With One Time Only’s and daily TSV’s
Products exclusive literally actually!

:glass:


Merry Christmas peeps!
 
Silent night, in Northern Nights.
This bedding comes in sage, beige or white.
Snoozy Adams with her unholy face,
Is talking to Craig (whose sister's a disgrace).
Buy a bedding set or three-eeee:
It's yet another TSV!

Silent night, in Northern Nights.
This feather bed's price gave me a fright.
I've filled three cupboards with sheets of all shades.
I've maxed out 12 credit cards (just how much have I paid?).
Please, will anyone hear my plea-eee?
Can I have another TSV!?!?
 
Let It Snow

Oh the weather outside is frightful
Inside watching QVC delightful
Fashion on trend to go
Glen please go, Glen please go, Glen please go.

AY screeching shows no sign of stopping
The dreaded High Street is no place for shopping
Red Button is the way to go
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Confirm my order with just a click
Oh how I hate going out in the storm!
It’s so easy to press Submit
Sitting here by myself in the warm

Have the flu and just feel like dying
Still watching QVC and buying
Drunk and jumping to the phones
Let it snow, let it snow…Let it snow!!!!!!!

(instrumental...skipping around the tree!)

Used my voucher for Easy Pay
Oh how I love the ease of it all
Make some room my parcel's on it’s way
My beauty stash isn’t really THAT tall!!

Now the fire is slowly dying
Seen my credit card bill and crying
Another bottle of Merlot!!
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snoow!!

*curtsies*

:sun:
 
Jingle Bells, Chuntley smells.
Charlie bores me so.
Kathy T fluffs a word (or three).
And we all hate Kim and Co.

Dancing through the snow,
In our overpriced Ugg boots.
Tripping over our Bassos:
Faux fur's the thing that suits (ha-ha-ha).
I'll buy a TSV, or one in every shade.
And if I keep my return rate down
I'll make the QVC grade!

Oh...

Jingle Bells, Chuntley smells.
Charlie bores me so.
Kathy T fluffs a word (or three).
And we all hate Kim and Co.

*grabs coat and runs away*
 
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose,
So Ali Young used Bare Escentuals
Along with Laura Gellar's Ethereal Rose.

All of her other make-up
She used on lovely Santa Claus,
She said that Alpha-H would
Obliterate his open pores.

She used Decleor Neroli
To give his weathered skin a glow,
Lined his eyes with Smashbox Jetset
So Mrs Claus would say hellooooooo.

She asked how he was for L'Occitane,
Liz Earle and Ultrasun,
He said that he never used them
But would like a Liplift by Gale Hayman.

She put some Ojon on his tresses,
Microplaned his worn out feet,
Painted his nails with Leighton Denny
And dried it with a coat of Seche vite.

She doused him with a gallon of Tova
Until he smelt of old cat wee,
Slathered on some collagen gel
From the literal actual SBC.

She asked would he like a hairpiece,
Something tasteful by Ken Paves,
Sorted him out with a No! No!
So he could forget about his daily shaves.

She used a bit of Bobbi Brown
So he could really be on-trend,
Spritzed him with a bit of Pecksniffs
Used Cosmetics a La Carte to blend.

By the time that she had finished
He was a different Santa Claus,
He put on a Spanx Hi-Rise Panty
And threw away his droopy drawers.

So if you happen to see him,
Or a whiff of Elemis you smell,
Do remember it's dear old Santa
And definitely not Sacha Distel.
 
In the bleak midwinter,
I turned on my TV.
As I changed my channels,
I came upon QVC.
There were plates upon plates of meat,
Piled high as I could see.
And chomping her way through them,
Was rancid old Anne D.

Following this sickfest,
Came a show with Kim & Co.
These clothes were quite disgusting,
they made me want to throw.
Piles of dayglo nylon,
It really was insane.
But don't forget it all comes
With 3% elastane.

Presenting this show was
the Queen of this shopping channel.
She was earning her wages
By spouting a load of old flannel.
She said that unlike the models
She was not very tall.
But, unlike those heifers
SHE was in the extra small.

:devil:
 
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Frosty The Snowman Or Glenny the Showman

Glenny the showman was a jolly boring soul,
With his city shorts and his little tops
And two pumps made out of snow
Glenny the showman is a fairy tale, they say,
He was made of snow but the viewers
Know how he came to life each day.
There must have been some magic in that
Old silk crevat he wore
For when they placed it on his head
He began to waffle on
O, Glenny the showman
Was alive as he could be,
And the presenters say he could laugh
And play just the same as you and me.
Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Look at Glenny go.
Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Over at QVC

Glenny the showman knew
His time was up one day
So he said, "Let's run and
We'll have some fun
Now before I'm sent away
Down to the studio
With his trouser in his hand,
Running here and there all
Around the square saying,
Catch me if you can.
He led them down the streets of town
Right to the traffic cop.
And he only paused a moment when
He heard him holler "Stop!"
For Glenny the showman
Had to hurry on his way,
But he waved goodbye saying,
"Don't you cry,
I'll be back again some day."
Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Look at Glenny go
Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Out of the way once more
 
Hope you had a QVC free Christmas
gave your card a rest
from now on
may all your purchases be blessed

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Giving all presenters a furrowed brow
So have a debt free New Year now.
 

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