Insensitive small talk!

[merryone]

My ex husband (not the father of my son) has got my back up, and not for the first time in his life, phoned me to see if I still had the phone number of a mutual friend. I gave it to him was about to say cheerio and he quickly snapped in "Not got any grandchildren yet then?" Son and his wife have been trying to start a family for a while sadly without success, so I just said "yes, I've got three" and put the phone down..bit wrong but I was a bit peeved.

Why can people you've not seen or heard from for a while just ask..hows you? say good I hope, or what's new?, giving people the opportunity to disclose the info they want to disclose. You don't know what people are going through if you've lost touch with someone. Not "Ooh you not got any kids/grandchildren yet, how's your mum, dad or what have you...how's the family is a bit more broad and could be less insensitive. Yes I know conversations can be stilted and awkward but I'd rather have that than insensitive/intrusive. Rant over!

 

[loveallthingsitalian]

If I come across someone I haven’t seen for some time (and of course we are all of an age when nearest and dearest are likely to be in poor health) I never mention specific family members. As you say, just how is everyone, and let them go into detail if they wish.

When I was much younger I remember meeting an ex neighbour in a shop looking several stone lighter and stylishly dressed. I asked her what her secret was as I battling my weight. She told me that she had gone through a divorce from an alcoholic husband. I felt awful and vowed never ever to ask this sort of question again. At least it wasn’t as bad as if she had an illness.

However if it had been all down to hard dieting and excerise would she have thought I was a cow for not mentioning how good she looked?

 

[merryone]

I guess there's nothing wrong with telling someone they're looking great, if there's been significant weight loss...If it does turn out to be down to illness or stress, you've only got to say "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that" and you've covered yourself, but most people will say thanks anyway. You learned by adding the words "what's your secret"? made you feel you'd "put your foot in it" and as a result have been more careful in the future. My ex husband is a total blunderbuss and he's fallen out with a fair few people in the past through his tactless behaviour. In the past I've had to apologise to a couple of friends and acquaintances due to his thoughtless comments, and if I ever called him out on things, he'd accuse people of being neurotic or lacking in humour - He didn't seem to get how upsetting some of the comments could be. One of the most cringeworthy things was bumping into one of the mums at my son's school one afternoon in town - a new pound store had opened and we were on the way to check it out, this woman whom I didn't know very well was carrying a bag from there, so I said we're just off there is it any good? (inoffensive small talk as it should be), she said yes not bad etc etc and hubby quipped in "Is that where you bought your coat?"! I was mortified, especially since she looked a bit shocked and gave a very awkward smile...I said bye and dragged him off. He's clearly not changed and probably never will. Think possibly 9 years with that idiot taught me a lot of lessons in life, tactful behaviour being one of them!

 

[mediastar]

You deserved better and you realised, albeit several years in, but you got there! Was there anything to recommend him ever? LOL still sounds like you are well rid, are you sure that mutual acquaintance would be glad your ex has their number???? ROFL

 

[merryone]

You deserved better and you realised, albeit several years in, but you got there! Was there anything to recommend him ever? LOL still sounds like you are well rid, are you sure that mutual acquaintance would be glad your ex has their number???? ROFL

He did have some good points, but his runaway gob was not one of them, he had quite a few other irrating traits which I'd have probably put up with for longer had I not met my husband and left him. I felt guilty, but it was something I had to do for my own sanity. His competitive streak was one of the worst I've ever encountered in my life...He loves playing board games, I quite like playing board games too, but win, lose or draw I don't care, I enjoy playing..but he kept a "book" of scores...I found it funny at the time but looking back it was shocking! I remember once being invited over to dinner with a mum I'd made friends with at my son's school...She cooked us a lovely meal and afterward me and hubby and her and her hubby sat down to chat and he immediately started making comments about the decor,asking questions about unsual pictures on the wall etc, not rude as such but nosey and a bit inappropriate... then he noticed they had a game of trivial pursuit on the shelf and he challenged them to a game. They obliged and you could tell they weren't that happy, he won, then challenged them to a rematch...I kinda made hints it was getting late, they agreed and we left...Next time I saw her, she said she was a little bit upset by his behaviour, 'cause all she was hoping for from the evening was to cook us a meal and for us to sit and chat over a drink, not get the Spanish inquisition over their choice of decor, their ethnic background..her hubby has strong NI accent and of course hubby couldn't help mentioning "the troubles!" ..and then instigating the game of Trivial pursuit which suggested he was bored and wanted a distraction...I apologised profusely and our friendship remained intact. Funnily enough some years later she invited me and my now husband over for dinner and it was a lovely relaxed evening!

 

[mediastar]

Glad you were able to keep her friendship in spite of him!

 

[merryone]

Glad you were able to keep her friendship in spite of him!

me too but it was a little awkward as she was reluctant to come to my place, and then when I took her daughter back to mine for a playdate and she came and collected her, hubby had just got in from work as she was getting her daughter's coat and bits together he made some comment, that daughter obviously didn't get her good looks from her side of the family - He said it as a "joke" and she almost left in tears...Still our friendship remained! However...I gave him the biggest telling off about not only is it inappropriate/weird as a grown man to make remarks about a little girl's looks (favourable or not)especially when the child in this case is mixed race, and the product of a very unhappy first marriage...all he said was he was trying to break the ice in a humourous way - I said "Hi, how are you?" would've sufficed. Anyway..glad to be out!!!

 

[merryone]

Had to revive this thread 'cause I bumped into him earlier,(ex husband that is) and he proudly told me that his youngest is expecting a baby in a few weeks time. I said that's lovely send her all the best, instead of saying "Thanks, will do" like any normal person would, and maybe asking "how's things", you guessed it - "Do you think you'll ever become a grandmother?" I'm so proud of my quick response (I don't know where it came from), I replied "I'll ask the magic 8 ball when I get home and I'll get back to you later" toodle pip and off I went! Jeez, a leopard doesn't change its spots they say, but I swear he's getting worse. I usually manage to avoid him if I see him first, must try harder lol!

 

[Grizelda]

My ex husband (not the father of my son) has got my back up, and not for the first time in his life, phoned me to see if I still had the phone number of a mutual friend. I gave it to him was about to say cheerio and he quickly snapped in "Not got any grandchildren yet then?" Son and his wife have been trying to start a family for a while sadly without success, so I just said "yes, I've got three" and put the phone down..bit wrong but I was a bit peeved.

Why can people you've not seen or heard from for a while just ask..hows you? say good I hope, or what's new?, giving people the opportunity to disclose the info they want to disclose. You don't know what people are going through if you've lost touch with someone. Not "Ooh you not got any kids/grandchildren yet, how's your mum, dad or what have you...how's the family is a bit more broad and could be less insensitive. Yes I know conversations can be stilted and awkward but I'd rather have that than insensitive/intrusive. Rant over!

Sounds like he wanted to make you unhappy purposely.

 

[loveallthingsitalian]

My father had absolutely no tact whatsoever much to my poor mothers embarrassment . Living away from home I managed to avoid it but in later years when I was closer to him to help out I had some real cringe moments as it got worse the older he got and when he had the early stages of dementia he had no built in monitor and I had to spend a fair amount of time apologising to people.

 

[maymorganlondon]

My father had absolutely no tact whatsoever much to my poor mothers embarrassment . Living away from home I managed to avoid it but in later years when I was closer to him to help out I had some real cringe moments as it got worse the older he got and when he had the early stages of dementia he had no built in monitor and I had to spend a fair amount of time apologising to people.

Very stressful at a time when you are coping with a distressing condition like dementia.

 

[Grizelda]

If I come across someone I haven’t seen for some time (and of course we are all of an age when nearest and dearest are likely to be in poor health) I never mention specific family members. As you say, just how is everyone, and let them go into detail if they wish.

When I was much younger I remember meeting an ex neighbour in a shop looking several stone lighter and stylishly dressed. I asked her what her secret was as I battling my weight. She told me that she had gone through a divorce from an alcoholic husband. I felt awful and vowed never ever to ask this sort of question again. At least it wasn’t as bad as if she had an illness.

However if it had been all down to hard dieting and excerise would she have thought I was a cow for not mentioning how good she looked?

I don't think you said anything out of place. She looked good and you complimented her on it.

 

[maymorganlondon]

If I come across someone I haven’t seen for some time (and of course we are all of an age when nearest and dearest are likely to be in poor health) I never mention specific family members. As you say, just how is everyone, and let them go into detail if they wish.

When I was much younger I remember meeting an ex neighbour in a shop looking several stone lighter and stylishly dressed. I asked her what her secret was as I battling my weight. She told me that she had gone through a divorce from an alcoholic husband. I felt awful and vowed never ever to ask this sort of question again. At least it wasn’t as bad as if she had an illness.

However if it had been all down to hard dieting and excerise would she have thought I was a cow for not mentioning how good she looked?

Omg! I had a similar experience and opened the floodgates to a lovely work colleague’s traumatic domestic abuse. I was horrified that I’d envied her slim figure, due to an awful personal situation. We talked about it, but it was a salutary lesson in how things aren’t always the way you think they are.

 

[merryone]

Omg! I had a similar experience and opened the floodgates to a lovely work colleague’s traumatic domestic abuse. I was horrified that I’d envied her slim figure, due to an awful personal situation. We talked about it, but it was a salutary lesson in how things aren’t always the way you think they are.

I totally agree, and with all the best will in the world we can all put our foot in it from time to time - and how terrible and embarrassed we feel! But it makes a huge difference when that comment has genuinely come from a good place. Thankfully most people learn things along the way which means they don’t blunder in with thoughtless comments in case it causes upset. My ex has always been a thoughtless git and he has put me into a fair few awkward situations over the years. He was devastated when I left him, and though he eventually came to terms with it and moved on, he may still hold a grudge and feel that I don’t deserve to be treated with any kind of sensitivity. Even though he lives nearby I don’t bump into him too often thankfully, and often I manage to avoid him - but when I do, he usually pi$$es me off!

 

[maymorganlondon]

I totally agree, and with all the best will in the world we can all put our foot in it from time to time - and how terrible and embarrassed we feel! But it makes a huge difference when that comment has genuinely come from a good place. Thankfully most people learn things along the way which means they don’t blunder in with thoughtless comments in case it causes upset. My ex has always been a thoughtless git and he has put me into a fair few awkward situations over the years. He was devastated when I left him, and though he eventually came to terms with it and moved on, he may still hold a grudge and feel that I don’t deserve to be treated with any kind of sensitivity. Even though he lives nearby I don’t bump into him too often thankfully, and often I manage to avoid him - but when I do, he usually pi$$es me off!

Unfortunately anyone who has been intimately involved in our lives usually knows what can hurt us or harm us. If things then sour, sometimes they can use them to settle scores. It is very sad when what begins in love ends in anything but.