I can't say anything, so I'm letting off steam here sorry!

[Lilo Lil]

There seems to be enough ‘local’ people for your friend to have her party - would she actually miss those people for whom it is a pain in the arse to get there?

I think you are a loyal friend but you do not have to do her bidding all the time. Just tell her it is far too expensive for you to get there using taxis and the railway (if running).

 

[merryone]

There seems to be enough ‘local’ people for your friend to have her party - would she actually miss those people for whom it is a pain in the arse to get there?

I think you are a loyal friend but you do not have to do her bidding all the time. Just tell her it is far too expensive for you to get there using taxis and the railway (if running).

There does indeed however, since she moved there, to live with her fella (who's a native lol) The friends she's made have been through him, eg partners of his friends, people he's worked with before and whilst she has managed to strike up one to one relationships with some of them, they're not nearly as invested in her as her old friends and her own colleagues. In my experience of her Christmas "parties" a couple of them drop in, stay for about an hour, make their excuses and leave. This is absolutely fine if there's enough other people to compensate if you decide to go. One of them usually announces as soon as she comes through the door "I'm really sorry but I'm not gonna be able to stay long" and comes up with some high filuted story about some crisis at home and another usually get's some kind of phone call fairly shortly after arrival that means she has to "leg it" It seems pretty obvious to me that these people don't particularly enjoy the evening and are just showing their faces out of politeness, wheras her own friends are prepared to grin and bear it! Like I said before she'd have been a lot better just making this years arrangement a lot more casual instead of putting pressure on people to try and make it viable when it really isn't.
Bus/Railway is definitely affordable but a taxi isn't....I will NOT be taking a cab and if that means I have to go home at 6pm so be it, I'm happy with that anyway 'cause I'd much sooner spend the evening at home watching telly lol!

 

[mediastar]

I am feeling for both of you! Knowing what it is like having grown up in a world where people hedge and avoid and not getting it. Life experience has fortunately given me a little more perspective and allowance for, shall I say, nuance. But with a condition where being in control is the only way to ease your anxiety and safety is the familiar; to experience this with no insight into how this may impact others, it must be tough!

 

[merryone]

I am feeling for both of you! Knowing what it is like having grown up in a world where people hedge and avoid and not getting it. Life experience has fortunately given me a little more perspective and allowance for, shall I say, nuance. But with a condition where being in control is the only way to ease your anxiety and safety is the familiar; to experience this with no insight into how this may impact others, it must be tough!

That's a really good point Mediastar, one I'd not thought of, but yes I can only imagine that being met with a lack of enthusiasm, a barrage of excuses and people trying to alter your plans will be seen as them simply letting you down. Not being able to understand how a "system" that has worked for many years, is suddenly being brought into question must be upsetting and confusing. It doesn't matter how many little nudges you try and give, unless you are downright blunt, you'll not get any kind of "movement" and if you are downright blunt then you risk causing upset and offence.

 

[merryone]

Oh dear! One of the people has dropped out, and it's one of her actual friends, they've told her they won't be coming because they're unwell. She messaged me this morning. She said she was surprised as she saw them Monday and they were fine, no logic there as any fool knows that it doesn't work that way! Although she didn't say, she clearly sees it as a fabricated excuse. Maybe it is, who knows. She's known about the train strike on the day of the party for weeks and because of that knew immediately that at least three people (all significant friends) wouldn't be able to make it because they live much too far away to be able to get there, let alone get back. This was really the right time to cancel/postpone. Too late now of course! despite suspecting that a last minute cancellation would actually be welcomed by all.

 

[mediastar]

It is so sad really for her, she has no insight and recognition that what may suit her or be comfortable for her may be difficult to impossible for others.

 

[merryone]

Well I'm back! To be honest it wasn't terrible. She'd instructed those coming by public transport to turn up between 12 noon and 1 and that the locals can turn up a little later if wish as they obviously are able to stay longer. I arrived just before 12.30 and I was the first to arrive, I sat and had a drink and a chat with my friend which was quite nice. Half an hour later one of her work colleagues arrived alone, she was supposed to be coming with another girl from work, my friend asked "where's Chloe"? "I dunno said Emily, I thought she was gonna be getting the same train as me" My friend asked have you heard from her? Have you messaged her? Emily said yes but I've not had a reply, anyway about half hour later Chloe called to tell my friend I'm so sorry but I've literally just woken up, I went out for a few drinks last night, so I'm afraid I won't be coming, what with the trains etc etc! Then one of the locals texted to say she'd be late 'cause she'd woken up with a banging head but she'll be coming still - She turned up in her pyjamas! and then spent what seemed like an hour loudly telling everybody about her antics in the pub the night before. Another friend turned up, she'd driven over but was planning to stay overnight, and then another couple of locals arrived. Basically, it was nowhere near as bad as last year's but I was rather bored if I'm honest, but at least I did manage to have a couple of decent conversations with people.
This is why I rarely try and organise group activities or parties, people are too unreliable and flaky. I'm far happier meeting a friend one to one, or maybe a couple of friends for coffee and a chat!

 

[merryone]

Party time has come around again and it's exactly the same story as last year - Disruption on the railway which means the last train from her place is 6pm. A bus back isn't an option either because the service I'd need to get home doesn't run past 6pm on a Saturday. This year it's fallen on my working Saturday. I'm working until 3.45 so the earliest I'd realistically get to her place is about 4.45 after the train journey and the walk to her place from the station. On a weekday the bus stops at the top of her road, at the weekends it stops in the town centre, near the station, so if I were to go I'd only be able to stay for about 45 minutes. At least she graciously accepted that it wasn't viable for me to attend and didn't try and suggest I try to grab a lift or take a taxi. She's really cross about the trains 'cause again it means that half of the people she's invited won't be able to come.
On one hand I'm actually pleased I'm unable to go as I'd much sooner go straight home after work and put my feet up for the evening but on the other hand I feel sorry for her that this has happened yet again. I don't think I'll ever understand her need for all these constant boozy get togethers. She's already put out invitations for the next one that's in February - no doubt there'll be another train strike lol!