Getting Old

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Grizelda

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There have been a few posts about the fear of getting old. What I most dread is the idea of the loss of independence. The thought that I will need others to do the tasks that now are easy to accomplish. That, and the terrifying words 'Alzheimer's disease.' There is nothing good to be said about getting old, although there is always someone who will pipe up that their brother's best friend's sister knows a woman of 95 who looks and behaves like a woman of 45 .
 
In other societies people don`t worry about growing old because their culture means they will always be looked after and it used to be the same here. Back in my childhood days I knew many families who had granny or grandad living with them or next door or a few streets away from them. Families tended to all stay close together and live and work locally. Those days are gone now.
I`d hate to have someone wash my backside or spoon feed me mushy food or to be seated in an adult version of a high chair in an old folks home but sadly it happens. Dementia, alzheimers, lack of mobility etc can come to any of us. Old people are often admitted to hospital and never come out again because I still say they don`t receive the care they should have and if their illnesses or injuries don`t kill them, then a broken heart or lack of treatment will. It`s a scary thought.
I had a serious heart to heart with my oldest son and with my Mr V. I told them both (individually) that I would fight to my last breath for all of my family and upset as many doctors or nurses as I needed to in order to get them the care they needed but should the day ever come that I couldn`t fight for myself then I`d expect them to fight for me. When my late husband was dying of cancer, aged just 56 I was horrified at the lack of care he received in hospital and I had to rattle more than a few cages and upset a few applecarts to ensure even his basic care such as washing him, changing his bed, moving his urine bottles and trying to get some food into him were done when I wasn`t there. I`d turn up in the morning to find him in a terrible state, never having been looked after since I`d left the evening before. It makes me dread the thought of what goes on in some homes and hospitals.
There are few plus points to old age, as for alzheimers, well the only plus point I can think of is never having to watch a repeat on TV cos I`d never remember seeing a programme the first time around !
 
Was it Bette Davis who said something along the lines of "old age isn't for the faint hearted"?
It is so true that the possibilities of what could go wrong are legion.
Coming up with a plan for the future can be tricky, especially if you have no younger generations if your family you can ask.
I sorted out my will a year or so ago. I will sort out a funeral, and then see if I can come up with a trusted set of youngsters to do a power of attorney, and let them know what I do or don't want in certain circumstances.
It's not nice to think of, but better to address it while you can do something about it, rather than leaving it too late.
 
I want a cremation and ideally ashes sprinkled. Need to decide where though.
I was going to be cremated for as long as I remember, but changed my mind recently

Both my parent's ashes were scattered by the crem, no idea where, so nothing to remember them by. My children live away, I am NOT having a funeral, so they can visit my plot if they ever feel inclined and in the area.

And someone browsing the cemetery may even recognise my name as someone they knew. No-one will recognise my ashes lol.
 
I'm sure I already mentioned this, but I have made a will, paid in advance for a funeral, bought a burial plot, and even designed and bought a headstone. All since the covid scare started.
We've done wills & PoA. My funeral's organised & paid for - direct cremation, nobody to attend so just me, a few books, an etching & three soft toys. My ashes are remaining at the crematorium to be disposed of in their grounds. I did all this before covid, something that doesn't spook me at all considering all the other hideous conditions, including one that I can't even say because it bothers me so much.
 
We've done wills & PoA. My funeral's organised & paid for - direct cremation, nobody to attend so just me, a few books, an etching & three soft toys. My ashes are remaining at the crematorium to be disposed of in their grounds. I did all this before covid, something that doesn't spook me at all considering all the other hideous conditions, including one that I can't even say because it bothers me so much.
Yes we have made wills and appointed a PoA. I will make sure there is enough for a booze up after I'm cremated. The thought of being buried is awful.
 
I have said before my body is going to medical research. The paper work has been sign and deal done.

As long as I can walk and get out and do the things I want, old age does not bother me.

A woman I know is now bedridden, she is in her mid 70s but never worked a day in her life, lived with her mother who treated her like a princess. The neighbours used to say oh poor C. Load of crap, she is/was always lazy, stopped taking her medication, so it looked like she was suffering very high blood pressure. Of course, if you do not take the medication the doctor gives you, it will look like your blood pressure is out of control. She just lay in bed most of the time with her mother and the electric blanket on. When her mother passed away she was only in her 40s. Then it was I think I have diabetes and always going to the doctor to get tested. It was almost like she wanted to get it. She did start going out as a friend of us both used to get her to go the Elvis club down in Dublin. But a few years later she would not even answer the door or phone if you called to she how she was. Then ended up bedridden refused to get out even if people offering to take her out in a wheelchair shopping refused to let the carers use the thing to get her out of bed and even sit in a chair. Now, she spends her days going to the toilet with a nappy, abuses the carers who come into help her. Oh, her mind is totally fine. We have said she put herself in the position she is in now. I have said, and I mean it I would rather kill myself than end up like that!
 
I have said before my body is going to medical research. The paper work has been sign and deal done.

As long as I can walk and get out and do the things I want, old age does not bother me.

A woman I know is now bedridden, she is in her mid 70s but never worked a day in her life, lived with her mother who treated her like a princess. The neighbours used to say oh poor C. Load of crap, she is/was always lazy, stopped taking her medication, so it looked like she was suffering very high blood pressure. Of course, if you do not take the medication the doctor gives you, it will look like your blood pressure is out of control. She just lay in bed most of the time with her mother and the electric blanket on. When her mother passed away she was only in her 40s. Then it was I think I have diabetes and always going to the doctor to get tested. It was almost like she wanted to get it. She did start going out as a friend of us both used to get her to go the Elvis club down in Dublin. But a few years later she would not even answer the door or phone if you called to she how she was. Then ended up bedridden refused to get out even if people offering to take her out in a wheelchair shopping refused to let the carers use the thing to get her out of bed and even sit in a chair. Now, she spends her days going to the toilet with a nappy, abuses the carers who come into help her. Oh, her mind is totally fine. We have said she put herself in the position she is in now. I have said, and I mean it I would rather kill myself than end up like that!
That makes me really angry because she's wasted her life & hasn't contributed to anyone else's either. I follow Deborah James on IG, she's terminally ill, has been dealing with that fact since Christmas 2016 & is absolutely amazing. If she's lucky she may see her 40th birthday & her daughter start high school in September. She should be looking at another 30 years+
 
That makes me really angry because she's wasted her life & hasn't contributed to anyone else's either. I follow Deborah James on IG, she's terminally ill, has been dealing with that fact since Christmas 2016 & is absolutely amazing. If she's lucky she may see her 40th birthday & her daughter start high school in September. She should be looking at another 30 years+
She did a podcast with Rachel Bland and Lauren Mahon on Radio Five Live. It was a great listen, I thought. Serious topics around life with cancer, but engaging and funny at times. I think they kept going after Rachel Bland died, with her husband taking part.
 
In other societies people don`t worry about growing old because their culture means they will always be looked after and it used to be the same here. Back in my childhood days I knew many families who had granny or grandad living with them or next door or a few streets away from them. Families tended to all stay close together and live and work locally. Those days are gone now.
I`d hate to have someone wash my backside or spoon feed me mushy food or to be seated in an adult version of a high chair in an old folks home but sadly it happens. Dementia, alzheimers, lack of mobility etc can come to any of us. Old people are often admitted to hospital and never come out again because I still say they don`t receive the care they should have and if their illnesses or injuries don`t kill them, then a broken heart or lack of treatment will. It`s a scary thought.
I had a serious heart to heart with my oldest son and with my Mr V. I told them both (individually) that I would fight to my last breath for all of my family and upset as many doctors or nurses as I needed to in order to get them the care they needed but should the day ever come that I couldn`t fight for myself then I`d expect them to fight for me. When my late husband was dying of cancer, aged just 56 I was horrified at the lack of care he received in hospital and I had to rattle more than a few cages and upset a few applecarts to ensure even his basic care such as washing him, changing his bed, moving his urine bottles and trying to get some food into him were done when I wasn`t there. I`d turn up in the morning to find him in a terrible state, never having been looked after since I`d left the evening before. It makes me dread the thought of what goes on in some homes and hospitals.
There are few plus points to old age, as for alzheimers, well the only plus point I can think of is never having to watch a repeat on TV cos I`d never remember seeing a programme the first time around !
Concerning your late husband and his lack of proper hospital care. You have given a nightmare description of the dreadful and disrespectful service offered by the NHS. Did the hospital staff expect you to wash him, change his bed, feed him, etc. ? I don't agree with you that parents should expect their sons or daughters to care for them full time if they are frail and ill. Regarding Alzheimers, I realize you were joking, but there is more to this disease than just being forgetful
 
I have said before my body is going to medical research. The paper work has been sign and deal done.

As long as I can walk and get out and do the things I want, old age does not bother me.

A woman I know is now bedridden, she is in her mid 70s but never worked a day in her life, lived with her mother who treated her like a princess. The neighbours used to say oh poor C. Load of crap, she is/was always lazy, stopped taking her medication, so it looked like she was suffering very high blood pressure. Of course, if you do not take the medication the doctor gives you, it will look like your blood pressure is out of control. She just lay in bed most of the time with her mother and the electric blanket on. When her mother passed away she was only in her 40s. Then it was I think I have diabetes and always going to the doctor to get tested. It was almost like she wanted to get it. She did start going out as a friend of us both used to get her to go the Elvis club down in Dublin. But a few years later she would not even answer the door or phone if you called to she how she was. Then ended up bedridden refused to get out even if people offering to take her out in a wheelchair shopping refused to let the carers use the thing to get her out of bed and even sit in a chair. Now, she spends her days going to the toilet with a nappy, abuses the carers who come into help her. Oh, her mind is totally fine. We have said she put herself in the position she is in now. I have said, and I mean it I would rather kill myself than end up like that!
If her mind is totally fine, then how she conducts her life is her business. Donna ... forgive me if I sound preachy and know it all ... but only seriously deranged people commit suicide. To do it, a person has to be at the depth of despair with nowhere to turn to. A person with a healthy mind would not kill him or herself.
 
I was going to be cremated for as long as I remember, but changed my mind recently

Both my parent's ashes were scattered by the crem, no idea where, so nothing to remember them by. My children live away, I am NOT having a funeral, so they can visit my plot if they ever feel inclined and in the area.

And someone browsing the cemetery may even recognise my name as someone they knew. No-one will recognise my ashes lol.
Absolutely your choice. Good that you arranged it beforehand. Now, you can just forget the depressing details and get on with your life.
 
We've done wills & PoA. My funeral's organised & paid for - direct cremation, nobody to attend so just me, a few books, an etching & three soft toys. My ashes are remaining at the crematorium to be disposed of in their grounds. I did all this before covid, something that doesn't spook me at all considering all the other hideous conditions, including one that I can't even say because it bothers me so much.
Twilight, I am curious about the 'hideous conditions' you refer to but can't say. Could you give a clue ? I'm slow to catch on.
 
Though I'm not looking forward to all the various ailments, aches and pains that come with age, it's loneliness that I fear most. I also fear ending my life in a horrible nursing home and suffering abuse. It breaks my heart when you hear about these cases!
 
Concerning your late husband and his lack of proper hospital care. You have given a nightmare description of the dreadful and disrespectful service offered by the NHS. Did the hospital staff expect you to wash him, change his bed, feed him, etc. ? I don't agree with you that parents should expect their sons or daughters to care for them full time if they are frail and ill. Regarding Alzheimers, I realize you were joking, but there is more to this disease than just being forgetful
Yes I know alzheimers has much much more to it and I was joking as you say. My late husband`s Aunt died from it and she had been his surrogate Mum after his own Mother died when he was just 5 and so we saw first hand what a cruel disease it is.
I don`t think parents expect their kids to look after them when sick or frail but back in my childhood days several generations of the same family would live within spitting distance of each other. They would look after each others kids, help each other with money, food, DIY or whatever. Most working class families had people working shifts , too many children and too small a house.
Grans, Grandads, Uncles and Aunts all played a big part. Young married couples often lived with their parents or in laws until they could afford their own home, some couples stayed with their parents or in laws forever and would take over renting the house when parents passed away because being part of an extended family was the norm. If someone fell seriously ill or was dying then whole families would share the care and take pride in it plus make sure they got a "good send off" when the time came.
My own Mum had 4 kids, 2 part time jobs and didn`t drive, or own a car or have money to spare but every week she cleaned my Grandad`s house, did his washing , baked him a basket full of pies and cakes, paid his "tick" bill at the corner shop and back in those days it was just how it was.
I was born not that many years after the end of the War, the creation of the NHS and sadly the destruction of many communities. My Mother and many other women before her couldn`t afford to pay for a Doctor`s visit or to buy every single item needed to care for someone who was maybe ill or bed bound, nothing was free, no NHS. They didn`t have disposable bedding or endless dressings and they didn`t have medical knowledge. Their parents were scared of hospitals, many of them had been born at the end of the 19th century, my own grandad was born in 1887 and they envisaged workhouses not somewhere to be cared for.
Many women had babies delivered by neighbours or female relations, in my parents early married days, they had no bathrooms, outside toilets, no gizmos or gadgets to make life easier. Washing took hours to do and often days to dry, you may have had nothing but you were still expected to have standards, clean steps, clean windows and curtains etc and you never turned your back on any family member in need. It was how it was and I can remember being cared for by neighbours, relatives, friends Mums when I was little and my Mum had to work or had to take my very sickly younger brother to appointments or into hospital.
All of what I`ve written is still how it is in other Countries and amongst other populations, poor housing, large families, no free health care, sheer hard slog, no money and so on. India, Africa, China to name but a few. You are born, you live if you`re lucky enough and you die amongst the people you`ve looked after and who now look after you.
 
Yes I know alzheimers has much much more to it and I was joking as you say. My late husband`s Aunt died from it and she had been his surrogate Mum after his own Mother died when he was just 5 and so we saw first hand what a cruel disease it is.
I don`t think parents expect their kids to look after them when sick or frail but back in my childhood days several generations of the same family would live within spitting distance of each other. They would look after each others kids, help each other with money, food, DIY or whatever. Most working class families had people working shifts , too many children and too small a house.
Grans, Grandads, Uncles and Aunts all played a big part. Young married couples often lived with their parents or in laws until they could afford their own home, some couples stayed with their parents or in laws forever and would take over renting the house when parents passed away because being part of an extended family was the norm. If someone fell seriously ill or was dying then whole families would share the care and take pride in it plus make sure they got a "good send off" when the time came.
My own Mum had 4 kids, 2 part time jobs and didn`t drive, or own a car or have money to spare but every week she cleaned my Grandad`s house, did his washing , baked him a basket full of pies and cakes, paid his "tick" bill at the corner shop and back in those days it was just how it was.
I was born not that many years after the end of the War, the creation of the NHS and sadly the destruction of many communities. My Mother and many other women before her couldn`t afford to pay for a Doctor`s visit or to buy every single item needed to care for someone who was maybe ill or bed bound, nothing was free, no NHS. They didn`t have disposable bedding or endless dressings and they didn`t have medical knowledge. Their parents were scared of hospitals, many of them had been born at the end of the 19th century, my own grandad was born in 1887 and they envisaged workhouses not somewhere to be cared for.
Many women had babies delivered by neighbours or female relations, in my parents early married days, they had no bathrooms, outside toilets, no gizmos or gadgets to make life easier. Washing took hours to do and often days to dry, you may have had nothing but you were still expected to have standards, clean steps, clean windows and curtains etc and you never turned your back on any family member in need. It was how it was and I can remember being cared for by neighbours, relatives, friends Mums when I was little and my Mum had to work or had to take my very sickly younger brother to appointments or into hospital.
All of what I`ve written is still how it is in other Countries and amongst other populations, poor housing, large families, no free health care, sheer hard slog, no money and so on. India, Africa, China to name but a few. You are born, you live if you`re lucky enough and you die amongst the people you`ve looked after and who now look after you.
There is so much to unpack about poverty in every generation and community.
My observation in the current times is that being poor can be easier if you also are living in a poor community. Everyone has walked in your shoes, and people are more willing to exchange other things than money to pay for what you need. A poor community acting collectively can sustain each other to a surprising extent and provide a range of services, even finance. And community starts with family.
We gained a lot from my gran coming to live with us. It worked better when she had a "granny flat" as my mum's relationship with her was somewhat dysfunctional at times (and surprise surprise, so was my relationship with my mum). It went downhill, for my gran at least, when we moved and my gran had a bedsit. She couldn't have friends to stay, Any visitors had to go through the house. As my gran was getting older, so were her friends, and with her bedsit being upstairs she had to use our sitting room to entertain them when they visited. I enjoyed it, but it cut down how much privacy my gran had, and I think it diminished her life a lot, as she was still an active and engaged person.
 

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