100 Things I Have learned from QVC..

[littlemslittle]

I'm ruddy glad you're around to keep me on the straight and narrow, Jamesy - THAT'S where I've been going wrong all this time :grin:

*takes glasses off, smears on alpha-h, watches eyeballs drop out...*

Well, who woulda thunk it....... IT WORKS!:bow:
Er, how do you watch your eyeballs fall out when they're already falling out......?

 

[~orchid~]

1. That I am not betraying QVC if I turn over the tv and watch Ideal World for a while
2. That I am ready to climb the chuffing walls when the Quacker Factory woman blows that chuffing duck whistle grrr...

 

[lizdelassa]

learned a few more things

(1) When the date is 10/02/10 it means you receive 10p postage offers all day. Anticipation for 11/2/11 is building.

(2) Husbands across the nation are sitting watching QVC with their wives absolutely insisting they whatever item is on screen.

(3) The stars of Desperate Housewives may have a stalker.

(4) Martha Stewart has always crafted and its not something she picked up in the slammer. Glitter coating your shank is all the rage behind bars now.

(5) Alison Young in her beauty day online video insists you spend valentines day with her and not alone. Sales of razor blades go through roof.

(6) When a product comes in many colour choices you will not be able to make up your mind and you will want them all.

(7) Dawn Bibby is part of a crafting family dynasty.

(8) QVC presenters have never actually tasted food before and when doing so on air go into rapturous delight.

(9) Thanks to paul mcKenna you will not feel fat while ordering that thorntons 2.6kg fudge collection.

(10) People on the Isle Of Wight are very fertile.

(11) If your child is away in college and is not sleeping on Northern Nights bedlinen you have failed as a parent.

(12) If you happen to get hit by a ray of sunshine you will instantly age 40 years.

(13) People who do not go into the sun are not actually vampires rather they are beauty "experts"

OMG I'm in tears here, started at number ten and just went on from there. Faves highlighted i bold.

 

[lizdelassa]

I have learnt

Where to go for a good laugh (STForum)
Where to go for honest opinions (STForum)
Who I can trust (ST Forumites)

I have also learnt that whatever I buy will lose its appeal within a matter of weeks:doh:
That I have very grateful family members waiting in the wings for that extra pearl necklace/silver ring/ yankee candle I really didn't want:wonder:
As I am over forty I need all the help I can get with every product on the market but only if it is available from QVC:doh:

 

[depplover]

The things I have learnt from QVC

1 I can walk around looking like a dipshit save in the knowledge that my "city shorts" are bang on trend
2 I must under no circumstances shop on the evil highstreet or the devils own supermarkets
3 I may occasionally venture to "high end" department stores, but only to compare the price of the bedding to NN
4 I must stuff my kitchen cupboards with useless brightly coloured tatt or I am a nobody
5 If a celebrity uses a product, i must jump to the phones to buy it.
6 when buying fashion i must only do so if the ah hem "designer" uses a strange sing song voice to peddle it.
7 I should never take advice from a beauty expert
8 I can only purchase meat that is 4 times more expensive than anywhere else.
9 Finally I have learnt that no matter how much I slag off QVC I will have placed another order before the week is out.

 

[Gizzy]

A few more lessons...

* Contrary to popular belief, clothing from the 80's never went out of fashion.
* It is more important for your skincare to be "prestigeous" than to actually work.
* It is perfectly ethical to sell real fur coats, provided you either provide your customer with fake fur and non fur alternatives or don't mention it.
* You can never put too much goo on your face (even if it seems to be going all red and inflamed).
* It is perfectly reasonable to pay £30 for a shower gel that will probably only be on your skin for a second then washed down the plughole forever. But imagine how stunning the sewer rats will look!
* You can sell anything if you somehow link it to the royal wedding. Candles and costume jewelery are good examples.
* If you go to Los Angeles, you must mention it at least once every minute. Apparently the viewers have amnesia and will probably have forgotten by the time the show is over. For added effect, mention as many celebrities and their hangouts as you can, regardless of whether you've met them/been there or not.

 

[sublime]

1 All personal pronouns such as me, I, etc are redundant and you should only use the term 'Myself'.

2 When shown any item by any human being, it is important to gasp and gawp in open mouthed delight and grin manically.

3 Purple/grey/brown/insert any-colour-we're-flogging-here is The New Black.

4 All jewellery has mysterious twinkly star effects so that you can beam light around like Luke Skywalker.

5 'Affordable' items have no effect on your bank balance whatsover, even if you buy by the truckload.

6 All fake gemstones should be prominently displayed on glass prisms, balanced on the edges of vases, etc.

7 Buying any item of kitchen equipment will immediately turn you into a Michelin-starred chef. It will not join the rest of the kitchen equipment in a clattering avalanche that hits the kitchen floor with a resounding crash each time you grope for the teabags.

8 The entire contents of your attic and garage should be shrouded in plastic bags and have the bejesus sucked out of them with a vacuum cleaner.

9 Plastic coat hangers are actually worth more than your clothes.

and finally:

10 When attending any presentation, you should interrupt every ten seconds by shouting out your phone number.

 

[Swansea girl]

Ive learnt too that
* A Kipling handbag is not just any old handbag it is the 'ultimate work horse of your bags' Guess that little monkey must help out when times get tough...

 

[Swansea girl]

1 All personal pronouns such as me, I, etc are redundant and you should only use the term 'Myself'.

2 When shown any item by any human being, it is important to gasp and gawp in open mouthed delight and grin manically.

3 Purple/grey/brown/insert any-colour-we're-flogging-here is The New Black.

4 All jewellery has mysterious twinkly star effects so that you can beam light around like Luke Skywalker.

5 'Affordable' items have no effect on your bank balance whatsover, even if you buy by the truckload.

6 All fake gemstones should be prominently displayed on glass prisms, balanced on the edges of vases, etc.
7 Buying any item of kitchen equipment will immediately turn you into a Michelin-starred chef. It will not join the rest of the kitchen equipment in a clattering avalanche that hits the kitchen floor with a resounding crash each time you grope for the teabags.

8 The entire contents of your attic and garage should be shrouded in plastic bags and have the bejesus sucked out of them with a vacuum cleaner.

9 Plastic coat hangers are actually worth more than your clothes.

and finally:

10 When attending any presentation, you should interrupt every ten seconds by shouting out your phone number.

I love especially number 6 ! Check out when they sell sheer cover make up. The jars are always placed on mirrored surfaces to hide the fact the jars are about the size and depth of milk bottle tops. i kid u not-I was a sucker that bought sum!

 

[barbedwire]

Immersing yourself in a Tova guff cloud will instantly make you pregnant.

 

[Swansea girl]

I'm loving the multiple slot of the turquoise epiphany ring box !!
QUOTE=moynah;458812]Just one shocking realisation/lesson....

If we all sat down and 'did the books' regarding our QVC expenditure since the time of our very first purchase, (for me it would be 1996) it would probably cover the bill for - real tiffany:

as opposed to 'treating ourselves' to a silly glass effort in a copy turquoise box:

:nod:
love Moynah xxx[/QUOTE]

 

[CakeMate]

Immersing yourself in a Tova guff cloud will instantly make you pregnant.

And.....said child will be called Tova, regardless of gender!

 

[BettyBoop]

I have learned that items are never "absolutely hideous" or "ugly". They're just "something a little bit different.."

That "making your own cards" means paying a fortune for what are basically shop-bought cards that just haven't been put together yet.

That if you are selling fashion from Toronto, you should carry an oxygen tank at all times, as during your presentations you must never take a single breath in case anyone interrupts to tell you how bothersome you are.

That long, stringy, flat and unflattering hair is a look that never dates.

That if you open a jewellery box verrrrry verrrry slowly, you will be far more awestruck by the contents than if you'd just ripped off the lid.

That if you suck up to Simon Wilson enough, you'll be inundated with freebies and must fight like an alley cat to keep other presenters away from him.

That everything will last you a lifetime. As long as you have quite a short life.

Fantastic thread, btw. You're all geniuses. :sun:

 

[Loveinamist]

Immersing yourself in a Tova guff cloud will instantly make you pregnant.

Eeeekkkk (diamoneeek) Eeeekkk (aghast)!!!!!!!!!

 

[Swansea girl]

Re 'Artscapes' streeeeetchy tee shirts Iv'e learnt

(1) There is now no longer any need to travel the world. Wearing an 'Artscapes' tee shirt I am not only wearing a piece of art, I am transported to places such as Tahiti, Barbados , Rome ,and Paris.

(2) If I contact Artscapes I am sure they will design a tee shirt for Swansea. If they can do one for Rome, Paris, Milan I am sure they can do one for Swansea.

(3) The Swansea tee shirt will no doubt be enchanced by a sequinned 'DVLA' to transport you there just by wearing it.

(4) In Artscape streeetchy world of fabrics you get to be an extra small with a 40 inch chest

Tension and the people of Swansea are waiting....

Quack Quack!

 

[Rentochops]

This is the funniest thread ever! I learnt yesterday that my bed is the largest piece of furniture in my bedroom and to make it look smaller I should buy a duvet cover with stripes! Amazingly though Horizontal stripes can be flattering on a fuller figured woman depending how you wear them.

That if my drive is not edged with solar powered lights I won't be able to enjoy my triffids in the dark, besides the fact that a 747 may land on it in error. ( plane joke stolen from Toril made me laugh that much).

That Jersey is now part of the UK mainland (for food, flowers etc) except when a TSV has 3 other options over the year and then it's not.

 

[Gizzy]

Some more things...

* It is possible to sell jewelery that looks like it was designed under the influence of LSD.
* Talking about the size of clothes you/others wear never gets old.
* As well as "formal" and "casual" clothes, one needs a seperate outfit for each day to day task one does, such as cleaning the house, walking the dog, taking the kids to school, taking the rubbish out, uncloging the toilet etc.
* I was mistaken about one of my Devil's dictionary entries. Apparently the Christmas season lasts from March to December, not June til December. Sorry guys! :mysmilie_493:
* It is perfectly normal to recieve items from QVC that smell strongly of smoke or are covered in weird stains.
* Commoners buy silk flowers. Discerning customers buy silk flaaaaaaars.
* Synthetic make up brushes are evil, unless you happen to be selling them. Then they are the greatest things ever.

 

[Polly Esther]

Everything "goes" with a pair of skinny jeans or a "little trouser" for that on trend look.

 

[Swansea girl]

Ive learnt that

(1) considered purchases = f*ck- off expensive
(2) 'investment' purchases = f*ck- off expensive
(3) fashion forward = kidding yerself you look good in quack quack stuff or 'artscapes' junk
(4) Kirks folly = sucker

 

[Swansea girl]

Everything "goes" with a pair of skinny jeans or a "little trouser" for that on trend look.

or is it 'bang on trend' ? All us 'fashion forward' women should know that!